The beginning of it all…

Sian Syvret - 11 Feb 16

I wanted to start a blog because as a mum of 2 in a secure relationship (not married – don’t get me started on why) haha. I spend all day every day with my beautiful children. My daughter attends school full time now and is in year 1, and my son, as I previously said is attending nursery 3 mornings a week. Before school and nursery, it was very hard to find time for me, and I felt very overwhelmed at the fact that I had 2 children, who I love very much, but also who demand a lot from me. I’m only one person, bend me so much and I’ll snap…

I didn’t always want to be a mum, animals were my thing, mainly dogs. Always had them growing up, and loved their company and loyalty. You wanted to talk they’d lie there and listen while you rub their belly, or massage their ears. Lovely animals. But… Then my daughter came along…

Was an easyish pregnancy, still had the worries of whether or not I’ll be a good mum. My mum was/is amazing, but that doesn’t mean just cause she is, she would of passed that down to me, she didn’t. It didn’t come as naturally to me as I would of hoped it would.

The pregnancy passed and there was this beautiful, slimy little girl in my arms, my daughter. Had a name picked already for her, but looking at her, knew that the name suited her before I even met her, maybe mums intuition was kicking in. The feeds were long, as a new mum I wanted to breast feed as long as I could, I felt this was the right thing to do, it hurt to feed her, but I continued, I wanted to do this right, I couldn’t get this mum thing wrong so early on. The feeding became easier, she slept for longer, easy. Managed it, foolishly thinking I had the mum thing under control, I became more confident with feeding, knowing when she should be sleeping. Not realising the lack of sleep would soon catch up with me.

It did… I was crying cause I was tired, I was crying cause I couldn’t get things right, what I thought I had figured out and under control, wasn’t working, she wanted to be cuddled and rocked to sleep, but she wouldn’t sleep, she just stared at me. I wanted to watch my programme in peace, this wasn’t happening. Milk wasn’t settling her, rocking her only made my arms ache. Nothing I could do would settle her. Then the tears came again. Looking at this small child in my arms, how can something so small be so demanding and draining me, that I resort to tears.

I was fed up, the day had been long, and finally she was asleep, time for me to watch my programme? Have a bath? No. I went to bed, I couldn’t sleep. Brain wouldn’t shut off, and I just kept analysing how the day had gone, horribly! I can’t do this mum thing, I haven’t got it in me, I just can’t do it.

It wasn’t till my daughter was 6months old, that things got easier, she was a very forward baby. I hardly left her side from the minute she was born. I didn’t want to be apart from her. She was my entire world. Everything had changed. I had changed. I wasn’t just Sian, I was a mum. Her only mum. I had this pressure above me to get this right. I had too.

5 years on, and I still feel exactly the same.

I haven’t left her side very often at all. At sleepovers with Nanny, or Granny. I still cry when I leave her. I will still pull the curtains in her bedroom, and get upset when I look in her bed, and she’s not there. Its silly because, when I am with her, she drives me insane. I shout, I’m constantly saying no, I can feel my anger boiling the more she ignores me, answers back, yep I get all that from a 5 year old. She strops off, she constantly makes me question why I became a mum. If I’m doing a good job. To me her behaviour is awful, to other people it’s funny. She’s just being 5. So I keep getting told. But isn’t it my job to bring her up so she isn’t like that? So is it my fault she is? Have I done the parenting thing wrong? What will she turn into if I continue to bring her up the way I have been? What should I change about home life? More strict? Less strict? I’m still new to having a 5 year old, and I don’t know what I’m meant to do, how I’m meant to cope with the tantrums.

At the end of everyday I still analyse the day. It was awful. I spent most of it shouting, putting my kids on the naughty step. Telling them their behaviour isn’t acceptable. Taking things away from them, and putting them to bed early. For their sake. Mummy just needs half an hour of no kids mucking about, to calm down. But this doesn’t happen, cause they muck around in the bedroom. They can’t settle down straight away like good kids, what was I thinking. I can feel myself getting more and more angry with them, I’m fuming, they’ve spent all day misbehaving, and now their finishing it off like this! My psycho mum voice comes along, “right that’s it” stomping up the stairs, hearing the beds creak as they’ve quickly got back into their beds. “This is not on! You have been naughty all day, get to sleep nicely and let’s all wake up in a better mood for tomorrow”

“ok mum, night. Love you”

“love you too”

cause I do love them very much. They’ve just made me realise being a parent is so much harder than what I thought it would be, and even now I’m questioning whether or not I’m doing a good job, or if im doing enough as a mum for them. The doubts are always there, and they probably always will be.

Sian Syvret

Typical stay at home mum of 2 kiddies. Enjoy lazy days in pjs with kids and partner. Very bubbly, and can be loud!

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