It’s ok to find it hard…

Lucinda Hutton - 11 Feb 16

This is something I’ve come to realise over the last year since having my baby in December 2014, that it is actually ok to find this whole parenting malarkey hard work. I’m so used to just ‘getting on with it’ and saying everything is fine when it’s not, when actually – my year has been pretty tough.

I’m naturally a coper, but this first year of parenthood has thrown up more than its fair share of challenges for me as a new mother. My baby was in intensive care when he was born due to having immature lungs, despite being a full-term baby. I spent a week of my life watching his every move in a neonatal intensive care unit (that experience could make a post in itself)…. but I remember the feeling of sheer joy and relief that we hopefully wouldn’t see ourselves back in hospital for a long time. How wrong I was.

At around 4 months, we noticed our little boy was actually still pretty little. He wasn’t gaining weight and was vomiting daily. Early weaning was advised. The stress of having a baby who doesn’t want to eat is palpable. Anyone who has experienced their baby refusing bottles, food and especially then vomiting the little they did eat or drink will know what I’m talking about. This felt like a pretty fundamental failing of me as a mother; I should be able to feed my child and I really couldn’t.

As my little one’s weight rapidly dropped through the centiles, the investigations began. Reflux was thought to be the cause, but the medication didn’t work. An endoscopy and ph study later confirmed that he didn’t have normal reflux. Turns out that at 8 months we discovered he had cow’s milk protein allergy and a soya allergy – so no wonder the whole early weaning when all he would eat was yoghurt turned out to be a disaster. The change to a non-dairy formula worked wonders almost overnight as the amount of vomit rapidly reduced. What didn’t change was this nagging cough that had developed. Lo & behold, as the weight continued to remain static, we knew something else was wrong. By this point, he was 10 months old and a chest infection confirmed some of our worst fears, he had pneumonia.

I can’t express the array of emotions I experienced when I knew we were faced with a week in hospital to beat the pneumonia. Fear, disappointment, anxiety that he was going to be ok, and that me and my husband would also come out the other side having coped.

Selfishly, I was due to go back to work and it felt as if this catalogue of disasters with my son’s health would mean that this would never happen. The conflicting emotions of knowing all I wanted and needed was him to be well and that he’s my priority, but also wanting to run back to work, to have a ‘normal’ life and sit behind a desk that I’d worked so hard to get my feet under in the first place, was hard. The week went by and we saw a real improvement with the cough, with eating and my son’s lovely smile was back. Hooray – I thought, maybe we could finally start having some fun.

I really should learn not to always be so optimistic… Just before Christmas, my son got another cough. This time it was bronchiolitis. This time it resulted in being hospitalised for 6 weeks. Spending Christmas and New Year in hospital with your child is enough to push even the strongest of mothers to the brink. Luckily, I got through it by watching a LOT of Netflix and drinking plenty of wine and here I am on the other side. My son had an operation a couple of weeks ago and is now at home on oxygen – that itself presents its own challenges. I could write a book about the year we’ve had, so I’ve tried to keep it brief(ish) and will get to the point…

I appreciate most new mums’ first years in comparison don’t sound anywhere near this bad when pen is put to paper. I’m lucky enough to run the Nurturing Mums postnatal course where I meet lots of new mums every month and I’ve been able to build this supportive network of mums who feel like they can say that being a new parent can be HARD work. I’ve hopefully created an open, non-judgemental and supportive environment on these courses where it’s ok to feel anxious, overwhelmed and exhausted by both small and big things your baby does or doesn’t do and celebrating the good times too. Having other mums to share those experiences with and expert knowledge to tap in to to help find a way through the tough times is what Nurturing Mums is all about. It’s definitely helped me through a tough year – THANK YOU.

Lucinda Hutton

North London born and bred mum of one. Passionate about postnatal support and owner of Nurturing Mums postnatal courses that run in Hampstead, Islington, Crouch End & East Finchley - nurturingmumsuk.com.

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