Batten down the hatches; it’s time to talk tantrums

Emily - 17 Mar 16

Last week’s news story about the mother getting asked to leave John Lewis really struck a chord with me. Not just because I could wholly relate to the embarrassment that this poor mother must have felt, but also because of the varied opinions and advice of everyone and their dog about how to control a toddler tantrum situation.

I’ve read some interesting comments from the John Lewis coverage that these ‘’ill-bred brats’ should ‘grow up’ and that parents themselves ‘should learn to behave’. I just can’t understand this attitude. Do people really think that any parent likes being in this type of situation? Often it’s blamed on parenting style. Well, we have raised our daughters pretty much identically with both having brilliant manners and a great sense of fun, but for some reason our youngest has the innate ability to unleash hell at the drop of a hat.

I’m ashamed to say I used to be a smug parent with a quiet little toddler that sat smiling nicely in their buggy as another child royally kicked off nearby. Not any more. For the past 18 months we have endured countless toddler meltdowns that have seen our daughter master every skill in the book including the head-butt, the head-throw, the pummeling fist, the plank, and of course the scream so hard until you make yourself sick.

Deep down I know there is nothing wrong with her and nothing wrong with the way I parent, but sometimes when people make comments or give you ‘those’ looks, it does make you feel like perhaps something is actually wrong. You start to question your own parenting ability, I’ve spent many an evening in tears wondering just what I was doing wrong. What caused her to erupt so spectacularly and why wouldn’t she just calm down and listen?

The anticipation of the situation is the worst bit. Trying to second-guess whether something is going to set her off plays havoc with my nerves! I’ve added on additional time to school drop off and pick up just incase there is an ‘issue’ with her shoes or perhaps my carefully prepared snack hits the window screen again!

On top of this you can’t move for all the guilt inducing parenting articles making the rounds on social media, and this does not help matters. I lie awake some nights analysing the events of the day like I’m in some sort of counseling session. Should I have put her on the stairs to calm down or have I now damaged her psychological wellbeing (as one article ‘gently’ put it) by leaving her alone for thirty seconds whilst she rampaged in the hallway?!

I know that I’m not alone. My NCT group for starters can recount enough stories that we could write a book of ‘Top 100 meltdown moments’. Then there are the school mums. Each day a different sibling will take their turn to put on a show of disgust as their poor mum tries to wrestle them away from the playground and other mums look on feeling relieved that it’s not just them.

What I have noticed is how small things can make such a difference in a difficult situation. Today in soft play Evie point blank refused to put her boots on, instead choosing to launch herself at the floor and bang her fists in protest that I was about to remove her from the fun. Instantly two mums were up, full of compliments about her boots and promises of a biscuit if she calmed down. Another mum gave me a thumbs up as we left as if to say “Well done for getting through that one!”. No one judged us because everyone had experienced it and because of that I was calm, collected and was able to smile.

This was a complete polar opposite of last week in the swimming pool changing room when a woman stood shaking her head and tutting at the sight of my naked child clinging to the locker as I desperately tried to convince her to get dressed. Did this crazy woman really think I was enjoying myself? That I had nothing better to do then play tug of war with a toddler who had suddenly decided that it would be best to spend the rest of the day wearing nothing else other than her new boots and some gloves?

So I guess this is my long-winded way of saying sometimes we just need less tuts and more tolerance. 9/10 parents dealing with a tantrum in a public place will be doing their upmost to try and either diffuse the situation or make a swift exit from the scene.

Now when I see someone trying to manoeuvre a ‘planking’ two year old into a buggy, or peel their child off the supermarket floor, I stop and try to help. I turn a blind eye to those disapproving looks and remind myself that for every fist-pummeling incident there are a hundred other parents in the same desperate situation as the one I might find myself in, and then I don’t feel so alone.

Maybe people should try and remember that in a world where we are so used to switching things on and off as the touch of a button, it is not possible to simply ‘switch off’ a child into standby mode. I know it won’t last forever, and for all the screaming, crying and rejected snacks thrown at my head, there are countless wonderful moments that we share. So until the worst is over we will just batten down the hatches, keep calm and carry on!

Emily

Emily lives in Hampshire with her Husband and between them they are the proud parents of two little beauties, Isabella and Evelyn. When she's not chasing a two year old streaking across the house or tidying up the entire Disney collection of Princess gowns, Emily can be found hiding in the marketing department of a well known University.

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