Get yourself a ‘Starter Parent’!

Rachel Buckley - 12 Apr 16

Officially today it’s 12 weeks since I became a parent. But it’s really over a year since the last time I looked for’ EWCM’ and that ‘2 week wait’. The reason I know these terms? Not because I read endless books, web links or pre-natal classes. I know these terms because I had the foresight to get myself a ‘starter parent’. Hell, for good measure I got myself at least four.

I had always heard that when you get pregnant you need to go to lots of NCT classes and get yourself a mum squad who are all at the exact same stage as you. While this is perfect for some (and I’m not knocking it!) as a busy teacher I was already struggling to make time for my own friends and I was used to being in control, ‘clued up’, ‘in the know’. I knew it wouldn’t help me to be lost at sea, all be it with a lot like-minded shipmates figuring it out together. What truly saved me was a bunch of people who were steps ahead of me and could pass on anything they learnt.

The term ‘starter parent’ was first introduced to me by a column in the Guardian but I had been aware of the concept long before I got pregnant. If you get it right your starter parent (or I would really recommend several parents – see later for why!) will be a trusted individual whose support ranges from 2am advice to a shed load of hand me downs. No question will seem ridiculous but you can rest assured that you won’t also been sending them into a spiral of wondering why the exact same thing isn’t happening with their baby who is the exact same age.

Because I like to be over prepared I have 4 starter parents. All have boys and they range from 18 months to 2 months older than mine. I’m lucky that they are all firm friends of mine anyway but the baby journey has certainly made us closer. With an 18 month gap the support is hugely practical – I have not bought a single item of clothing, toys or a playmat. When you end up birthing a massive baby who is nearly 2 foot long you will be endlessly grateful that you didn’t pay for, nor waste time shopping for, newborn clothes that he never fit into. I also manage a similar level of thriftiness from the 6 months parent (a Moses basket he grew out of in 6 weeks, more clothes so I had constant access to the bigger ones when they suddenly didn’t fit any more). They also tore through the mind clutter of the few items I did need to buy. They had been there; they could tell me what they never used and what changed their lives. One of them took me to my first Aldi baby event, giving me a £1 for the trolley (who knew you paid for trolleys there!), holding my hand and pointing out what to buy.

The second, and priceless, value of a starter parent is the advice. Now I’m not someone who does everything someone else says but I’m lucky I have people who were there 6 months ago, 4 months ago and 2 months ago. I can ask all 3 and amalgamate the advice to work for me. And when all 3 say the exact same I can sit up and listen! I whatsapp them at all hours and they never fail me, I call, turn up their houses, I ask seemingly ridiculous questions. We even have a private facebook group set up by my ultimate starter parent called ‘dispatches from the nappy filled trenches’. Whilst pregnant this was filled with advice I never knew I needed (and at times didn’t want) but I trawled back through it in labour and beyond.

My starter parents have meant I made those frozen maternity pads (God did I need them), I bought that perfect prep machine, I survived introducing him to the dog and I never, ever, felt alone. Above and beyond this, with all the discussions when she was trying for a baby and the things I needed to know, one of them has almost as much to do with me being pregnant as I do! So this is a shout out to my starter parents, you know who you are but you might not always know that you’re more life changing than a perfect prep machine or sleeping through the night.

I was lucky to already have these people but so many others reached out to me and offered advice. However you become a parent, whether adopting or gaining step children, if someone offers to be your starter parent cling on to them for dear life. The reason I have time to sit and write this today? He’s sleeping after his 12 week jabs as my starter parents promised he would .

Rachel Buckley

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