Double Yolker

ClaireH - 28 Aug 16

After reading Kiki’s recent post regarding IVF via egg donation it inspired me to write about my experience being an egg donor (whilst also having my own IVF treatment).

When I was informed that my only chance of getting pregnant was with the aid of IVF I was so unprepared; physically, emotionally and the biggest barrier of all, financially. We just didn’t have that kind of money to spare.
At the time The London Women’s Clinic were running a programme where if you donated healthy eggs then the cost of your treatment would decrease dramatically. I signed up immediately without thinking about what it would entail. I was literally at a point where I was investing in any scam, old wives tale, lotion or potion because I was desperate. I’d have lived on a diet of dog food if someone told me it would increase my chances!
The very few people I confided in were apprehensive, they worried how I would cope if I got a negative result and the other lady got a positive. But I saw it as my only choice.
The clinic insist on counselling as part of the process. I thought it was just another hurdle to jump over but it really opened my eyes. I was not aware of so many factors such as if a baby/babies were born via my donated eggs when they turned 18 they have a legal right to my name and address, this really blew my mind. I was asked to write a letter to the potential child explaining a little about myself and why I chose to donate. They could access this once they turn 16. That letter is barely legible because of the tear stains.
It was also strongly suggested that we told my family about this child’s existence (when/if it became a reality) as apparently if their path ever crossed with a child of mine and they had no clue about the biological link science suggests that there would be an overwhelming magnetic attraction between the pair and for obvious reasons this could be disastrous!
But I was hit the hardest when I was told if at any point during this process I changed my mind even after fertilisation I could demand their embryos were destroyed, “but they are someone’s babies” I choked. I sobbed at the thought, how could I ever do that to someone, I didn’t consider the eggs mine once they were handed over. I felt like I had a lot of power/control over someone’s happiness and I didn’t like it. For the first time it wasn’t just about having my own baby, if could stop someone living in the same darkness I was stranded in then I would.
I filled in my pen portrait which was surprisingly basic and hoped against hope someone would pick me, the following day I called the clinic in a panic and asked them to remove the fact I had naturally curly hair as I had convinced myself at 3am this would be a deterrent! The nurse (holding back her laughter) convinced me if anything it would be a selling point.

It was a waiting game, the power had shifted I couldn’t start my IVF and potentially have my baby until someone picked me to help them have their’s. The frustration!!! Someone please pick me!!!

Finally I got the call, somebody wanted a curly haired baby!!!

My poor dad had no idea I was going to have IVF, I felt like the more people I told, the more pressure and that somehow I would jinx myself. Dad was at my house when the huge box of medication arrived, the courier told him some of the contents needed to be put in the fridge, imagine his horror when he opened the box and there was a mountain of needles and sharp disposal box illuminated like a beacon! Poor dad!

So the treatment started, how naive I was! The drugs!!! I didn’t recognise myself, I was exhausted, constantly angry, super sensitive, unbelievably bloated, my hair and skin were appalling, my mouth was full of painful ulcers and my teeth ached from clenching my jaw with anxiety when I slept . I thought my son and husband were going to have me sectioned at one point as I was so unpredictable, the day I was inconsolable because they accidentally took each other’s sandwiches to work was a turning point. I am convinced from that moment they made a pact to stay out of my way as all of a sudden their social lives became insanely busy! At one point they sat me down to inform me ‘although it didn’t bother them and I really shouldn’t feel embarrassed about it’, I needed to do something about my new furry facial feature and get my top lip waxed, (thank you steroids for the crazy hair growth!) needless to say holy moly that hurts!
I was covered in bruises from injecting myself and the handful of blunt needles in the pack… good god!!!

At egg collection stage they netted 14 eggs, Woop Woop! The relief, I was convinced they were only going to only get a couple. 7 for me and 7 for the lady I donated to (she was now the second lady who chose me, the first one dropped out). Days later I had an embryo implanted and the only other viable one frozen. The longest 2 weeks of my life followed, I thought about the recipient constantly during this time and I was praying for both of us. Then the night before testing I started to bleed and the darkness engulfed me again 🙁

At my after care appointment, I asked if the lady I donated to had been successful, my nurse dashed off to find out. What had I done? Did I really want to know? Arghhh I changed my mind I didn’t want the truth! Before I could get the words out she was back with sad news it was also a negative result and no embryos strong enough to freeze. My heart broke all over again for the pair of us, I felt disappointed in myself, I wanted to be the one.

Thank heavens for my frozen embryo the only comfort I found was to start organising having it implanted as soon as possible…

ClaireH

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