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How To Survive Toddler Fight Club
If you are the former, well done! You win at parenting and I salute you. If you are the latter, here’s a handy guide of what to expect at your average toddler group and how to avoid the common pitfalls.
Parent cliques
The first time I ever set foot in a toddler group I made a fatal
Not that I could tell they were child-minders – they looked like a group of mums with young children. After a couple of awkward minuets of conversation from my side (I tend to just talk and talk and talk when nervous), I asked one of them how old their child was. “He’s not mine, I’m a child-minder” came the reply, and then the group continued with their own conversation while I sat there feeling like a spare part.
At every playgroup, there are specific groups of
Making friends at playgroups can be a harrowing experience.
In some ways, it’s like being back at school yourself and the camaraderie you expect from parents who are all in the same boat doesn’t really tend to exist. It can be really difficult when you get groups of parents going who have known each other for years and tend to be quite insular as a group.
So what’s the best tactic to employ? Smile, drink tea and try to make small
Snack time
Oh, you didn’t realise there was a designated ‘snack time’? You thought the pile of biscuits precariously popped in the kitchen hatch was a free for all?
While snack time may not be mandated, other parents are watching you. It is an unwritten rule that you are not supposed to stuff your
If you let your child eat ten custard creams in the time it takes you for you to awkwardly find a chair and take off your coats, other parents will be judging you harshly.
Or applauding your laissez faire approach to breakfast but believe me, it won’t go unnoticed. Best to wait at least until you have managed to remove your child’s wellington boots before letting
Of course, if your child is the one who refuses to stand anywhere but underneath the kitchen hatch whinging for biscuits there is little you can do but avoid all eye contact with other parents and resolve to bring some biscuits along with you the next time you go.
Sharing
You will probably have spent a good part of your child’s life so far saying the words “share nicely” every time you or anyone else plays with them.
Can I just let you down gently and tell you that you have been wasting your breath, because young children
Take this example: Child A has a fire engine. Until Child B saw this, he was happily playing with the stacking bricks. Child B has never expressed an interest in fire engines at all, but now he has
Child B is two years old, so instead of walking over to Child B and saying “I say old chap, may I have a turn with the shiny red fire engine now?” He simply walks over to him, grabs the fire engine from his hands, possibly throwing in a kick or a slap for good measure, because all young children hate each other. Sometimes the Child A in this situation will retaliate, because he does not want to give up his toy and this will escalate to a scene from
In a playgroup situation there will also be a Child C, Child D and a Child E who will all pile in with tantrums, teeth, fists and feet as the shiny red fire engine who no one actually cared about before has now become the Toy of Toys and must be played with.
Which leads me neatly onto…
Violence
You know the saying that toddlers are like mini drunks? Have you ever seen a busy town center at pub
If you are the unlucky parent who has a hitter, a biter or a scratcher then I feel for you. From ages two to three, my son was a biter. Your child had they toy he wanted? He’d bite them. Your child accidently ran over his foot with the Little Tikes car? He’d bite them too. A child only had to look at him the wrong way for his teeth to sink into their arm and no amount of time outs, naughty steps,
Most other parents at playgroups got this, and were actually very sympathetic at the times when I would have a near breakdown after he’d bit once again and I feared I was raising a future psychopath. Some parents judged though, sometimes quite loudly and that stung. It’s never nice to be told your child is the most horrible toddler in the room when you are trying your best to teach them the correct behavior.
Thankfully, he grew out of the behavior as quickly
Circle time.
Most playgroups have a time set aside for singing nursery rhymes at the end of a session. Don’t fool yourself; this isn’t for the good of the children.
The sole purpose of circle time is so that the children can be contained in one area while the harassed looking volunteers can shove the toys away as quickly as possible so they can finally go home.
If your child is anything like mine, he will
Leave early. Honestly, life is too short and if you have the type of child who will not sit down and
Volunteering
Go to any toddler group for a few weeks on the trot and I am sure you will be asked if you would like to volunteer. Seems a great opportunity to meet new friends, right? Let me tell you something: the answer should always be NO. Please listen to me on this, as I have been there, done that and
Helping to run a playgroup is a thankless and joyless task.
There is nothing more awful that opening up a frankly depressing church hall on a rainy Monday morning and having to lug boxes of toys, books and ride on toys out of an overstuffed cupboard while your child trails behind you, intermittently screaming because you are not giving them your undivided attention.
Washing up at playgroups is another reason never to volunteer. You know how your child spat out three, chewed up biscuits into your half finished
Of course, the worst thing about volunteering is when it’s your turn to do the signing at circle time, which incidentally, will be on your very first day as no one likes doing it and everyone will pick on the new girl. So many nursery rhymes in the world, but when you are faced with twenty preschoolers and their parents staring at you, you mind goes blank and your mouth goes dry. And
What to do when you and/or your child simply cannot stand playgroups?
You forget them.
It’s fine not to go to any. I give you permission not to. Your child will grow up just fine and you will be happier for not putting yourself through the misery.