You and me and baby makes family?

Guiltymummy - 8 Dec 16

Giving birth was an isolating experience a fear that I was truly on my own in this, despite the strong anchor of my husband’s reliable hand clinging on to my clenched fist.

Fear crashed over me so quickly and so suddenly I barely had time to breathe, I was in my head looking down at the writhing animal I had become.
No words of comfort from those in charge and with a look of fear which matched my own in my husband’s eyes, I was desperately scared.
Hands touching me without even time to request if they could. Searing pain and the constant grasping of the cold paper beneath my fingers which I lay upon like a slab of meat.
Barked instructions, which seemed muffled, as the pounding of my heart and head drowned them out. Where were the words of comfort or support from the midwife?
Then suddenly a rush lots of people and bright lights, panic now for me and my baby, fight or flight I chose both as I pulled the cannulas from my veins and uttered a stream of expletives.
“Sit up keep still” stabbed once, twice until finally a wave of nothingness swept over me as I floated back down.
Drunk on fear and watching in wonder as more people yanked and tugged at me little did I know that their brutality would cause such complications. Until through the fog finally a cry.
My husband was crying tears of joy and relief.
I just felt numb.
Waiting still waiting.
Then we met, my son, my purpose, my love. Amongst all the crazy he was my calm.
Then they all arrived wanting a piece of us, with worries or advice. I just wanted to shut the door and breathe you in and send them all away. Only you and I knew the trauma we had been through.
Back home life moved in fast forward yet my movements were in slow mo. Eventually time for my mummy to leave. Make up slapped on I kept my shock hidden but you my son knew with your deep brown eyes searching my face and soul. How could I forget we’d been through this together.
Years on in the darkness you bring me comfort and your arms around my neck steady me and stop me from crashing into my flashbacks.
I’m not me not the trusting me from before I’m more cynical and nervy lacking in faith or confidence in myself and smothered sometimes by my racing thoughts.
However that smile, that giggle brings me an overwhelming heart bursting love although tinged with guilt for the future I’ve taken away from you.It’s all sold the basket, the car seat and the high chair.

You me and Daddy makes three.
My family, my family.

Guiltymummy

Mummy to an amazing son.

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