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The Ten MumDamnMents – The Toddler Years
You will lose this document daily, then once located will use it as a basis for panic and disbelief. Why can my one-year-old not stack and count 7 blocks, thread the eye of a needle with their toes and perform a near perfect Paso Doble yet?
Half of
2 – Thou shall not have a sweet clue what is going on with your toddler’s milk consumption now food has become more established. Too much milk and no food will go anywhere near your toddler’s chops. Too little milk and your child might not
You will be an active participant in multiple discussions about ‘dropping the bottle’ and moving onto cups. Your internal monologue will go something like this:
“Little Jimmy from next door is the same age and he’s been drinking from a Tommee Tippee cup for months, surely my boy should be at the same stage? Is his reluctance to part with the bottle indicative of his future life choices? Will he end up being a parking warden? Shiiittttttttttt.”
3 – Thou shall
watching them flail on their back and commando roll around the room
developing pretty severe lower back problems from retrieving them from crawling into a table leg
baby proofing the room after they progress to cruising around your furniture – including removing photo frames and other previously innocuous objects which suddenly pose extreme DANGER. Who knew a remote control could be used to bludgeon a Sophie the Middle Class Giraffe?
Again the comparison monster comes
4 – Remember to sign up for as many baby groups as possible. This might require some serious monetary sacrifice and forward-thinking as these groups are pricey and more popular than Glastonbury tickets. Course leaders will laugh RIGHT IN YOUR FACE
Options include Monkey Music, Jo Jingles, Heart Beeps and Baby Sensory. You will mix with lots of other Mums and some childminders who all have fixed smiles and are clearly riding a caffeine high to get them through the next 30-45 minutes of distraction and Twinkle Twinkle.
At some point your toddler will do a massive shit
5 – Honour your toddler by sharing their finest moments on Facebook and other social media platforms. These will include documenting first shoe purchasing, a first steps video,
Not one of these photographs will illustrate how batshit tired you are, how alone you feel or how many filters you’ve used so you don’t resemble your natural self – who looks like a big bag of dicks.
6 – Thou shall not be allowed to drink a hot drink EVER AGAIN. Well maybe not ever. But for the next 5 years at least. You
The first few years of parenthood will be consumed with this hot drink amnesia which would be much easier if you just drank water but sod it, caffeine ‘cos tired.
7 – Thou shall not be able to stop annunciating words
When they do start talking, you will rejoice in every attempt to form a word and convince yourself they are a genius for learning the word ‘Mummy.’ Fast forward 18 months and you will have lost the ability to hear silence due to Toddler Induced
8 – Thou shall not be able to stop yourself attributing every gripe and whinge to teething. Everything will be explained away with that solitary word, often accompanied by an over exaggerated roll of the eyes. Toddler won’t sleep? Teething. Toddler won’t eat?
You will wait for those tiny little pearly whites to poke through for justification that your motherly instinct is right, and despite saying the same thing for months with gums firmly remaining intact, you will be Smuggy Smuggerson when finally that first tooth cuts through. Until they clamp down on your hand. When you will have to scream into a pillow and drink half the bottle of Ambesol to numb the pain.
9 – Thou shall not be honest with yourself
10 – Because eventually, Thou shall not give one shit about what others think or do, and just do what works for you. Eventually, you will realise you are incredible as you grew and nurtured a human. Eventually, you won’t give a damn.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again. Mums. You’re
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This post is a follow up from the original Ten MumDamnMents – which went a wee bit viral thanks to the lovely people at Selfish Mother sharing on their social platforms. I hope you all enjoy this post just as much! Thanks, Gaa Gaa Land… x