What is there to be afraid of?

Cat Strawbridge - 29 Jan 18

I was totally happy being single, even told my husband I didn’t want a relationship when we met, and that he shouldn’t either, look where that got us – that’s a good thing! I was a confident, strong, independent woman in her late twenties and fear wasn’t an emotion that I visited other than when living in a particularly creaky house, oh and when flying – but even then I didn’t let it stop me.

The fear you feel when trying, and failing, for a family is a different ball game though.  I originally wrote the below in an insomniac moment a few months ago and posted it on instagram.  After our negative test on Friday following our latest round of IVF, these fears are front and centre again so it made sense to post it here now. I hope you agree.

I’m scared

I’m scared I’m never going to be a mum,
That I’m never going to see a toddler look at me and see my husband’s eyes/mouth/nose/cheeky grin looking back at me.
I’m 39 and already scared I’m never going to be a grandmother.
I’m scared of dying (always have been).
But now I’m scared I’m going to die without leaving a little bit of me behind.
I’m scared I’m going to live with this heartbreak every day,
But I’m also scared I’m going to spend the rest of my life wearing a brave face trying to hide that very same heartbreak I don’t want to feel.
I’m scared that I’m going to regret not having tried hard enough,
And that I’ll hate myself for that once it’s too late.
I sometimes wonder if each of us might have had children if we had met other people
Which makes me scared that on my death bed I’ll hate myself and the most incredible man I’ve ever met.
Almost six years in I’m scared that I’ve actually become too selfish to be a mum because I’ve had to learn to protect myself by retreating inside myself.
I’m scared I might never know the answer to that.
I’m scared that for the rest of my life I’m going to spontaneously burst into tears at random moments because as much as I try to avoid triggers I don’t always know what they’ll be.
I’m scared that I’ll use the word “triggers” forever.
I’m scared that I’m not feeling as positive as last week and that that’ll affect our chances of this, our final round of IVF, working.
I’m scared that we really might decide after this that that’s it,
Which makes me even more scared than usual about it not working.
Most of all I’m scared that the girl who threw herself down the hill in the park before her older sister the year we both got rollerskates for our birthdays, the teenager who threw herself out of a plane (on her own, no tandem – nutcase!). The young women who moved to NYC without knowing a soul. The person all my family roll their eyes at because she is always looking for the next adventure,
I’m scared that she’s not there anymore, because she’s been replaced by someone who is f*#king scared all the time!

If you have had similar feeling because you are dealing with fertility issues please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m working with Fertility Network UK to help break the stigma around fertility. Please go and give them a follow on instagram and be part of the movement that will help #breakthesilence!

Cat Strawbridge

Cat and her husband have been trying to conceive (TTC) for almost 6 years of their 10 year relationship. Following her second IVF miscarriage in 2015 they decided to take time off from seeking assisted help and focus on themselves and their relationship - along with a bit of natural 'trying' here and there! This was time well spent because their fertility treatment had taken their confidence, self esteem, savings, jobs and most importantly their passion, -for everything. Now, feeling back on top (mostly) Cat is working with Fertility Network UK to help break the taboo of fertility so that the 1 in 6 people who are dealing with it don't feel ashamed or alone in their journey. Cat and Bob are still trying for their family although have recently received a negative result from a recent round of IVF. The choice now is to keep trying or to stop and accept a life without children.

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