Me and my scar.

Leanne rodgers - 14 Aug 18

Me and my scar – Recovery from birth trauma.

Recovering from any birth can be difficult and traumatic. I wanted to write a little more about C-sections, specifically emergency c sections by general anaesthetic. Prior to having Jack, I’m ashamed to say that I was of the consensus that sections were the ‘easy’ way out. The whole too posh to push mentality had persuaded me to believe that to have a c section was a somewhat nice alternative to a natural delivery.

Let me tell you something, it’s all utter bullshit. Having (unfortunately) first-hand experience of a GA emergency c section, I can assure you it is no easy way to birth your child. For one, my recovery, compared to friends who had natural births was much longer and, for me, more painful. And I found that my physical health managed to heal itself naturally, whereas the mental damage has taken much longer.

When I came around after having Jack – I was in a surreal, morphine fuelled, away with the fairies state of mind. I was seriously confused, and didn’t understand how I had had a baby. I remember asking Craig if Jack was a girl, and several times whose baby he was?!  This gorgeous, olive skinned chubby baby boy couldn’t be mine. The last thing I could recall was drinking this black liquid in a theatre full of strangers. But he was all mine. Once the morphine began to waver and I started to think straight, I could feel all the pain. I couldn’t move from the bed, my legs didn’t work yet and to lift myself up from lying down to sitting up took great strength – and it hurt like hell. My stomach felt like it had been stabbed a hundred times with a hot knife. The pain felt deeper than the surface of my tummy, it ached all the way to my core.

Even though I knew it had ended in an emergency c section, I was still very much in denial at this point. I remember being terrified to look at the place where they had cut. It was bandaged up thickly and I remember thinking that I never wanted to look at it. The first few hours were a blur of sadness and delight – we had a beautiful baby boy who was alive and well. But, I couldn’t get out of bed to hold him, to tend to him when he cried or to change his nappy. I remember Jack’s first night on this earth, Craig had been sent home, and I was all alone on a ward with three other new mothers. I had to ring a bell to get a midwife to pick Jack up and place him on me as I couldn’t reach his cot. A midwife caught me sobbing whilst holding him as I was terrified – I couldn’t feed him myself and so I was trying to bottle feed him. I felt that I had failed before I had even begun.

The next day, the staff were wanting me to get ready to leave the hospital. But, I had to get out of bed first and have a shower. That was an experience! Although the epidural had worn off, my legs didn’t feel like my own, they were like jelly, and so I walked to the shower room holding my tummy together (that’s how it felt). I was told to ring the emergency bell if I needed help and I stood under the shower just staring into space. I couldn’t look at my scar then and I still couldn’t face it a few weeks later. Craig had to wash that part of me. I was too scared to look, I know it might sound silly or weird, but it was like once I’d seen it then the reality of everything would be everywhere.

Even now, almost two years later, I still feel sickly uncomfortable when I think of the birth. The part where I was unconscious laid out on a bed. With a tube down my throat helping me to breathe whilst they cut in to me. I felt so out of control, helpless and lost.

The transition from hospital to home was not easy. Whilst I was elated at being free from the nurses and doctors, I struggled massively with being a new mum. Without saying too much – the birth had left me devastated and horrendously anxious. Those emotions coupled with all the hormones and physical pain of the birth turned me in to a shell. I remember sobbing uncontrollably as I watched Craig bath Jack for the first time. It physically hurt me that I couldn’t do my basic duty as a mother – I couldn’t bend down to bathe and change my child. I watched on in admiration coupled with pangs of jealously as Craig placed our little baby in his little bath for the first time ever.

Oh and the recovery was far from glamourous – due to it being an emergency section, I was told that the doctors had being ‘rough’ with me, meaning that the recovery would be tougher and longer. Great! I had to wear these ridiculous white stockings (which I wore wrong for a while – ask Steph) for compression due to my legs swelling; I had to inject my legs each day due to the loss of blood. I also had to take an array of medication including tramadol, paracetamol, ibuprofen and iron tablets. The only thing that took the edge off was the tramadol, and I was careful not to take too many of them. Oh, and I had a horrendous tickly cough due to the tube catching my throat on the way out. So, every time I coughed I felt sharp pain, and like my stitches were going to split. Top tip – hold a cushion carefully over your tummy where your scar is whenever you cough or sneeze and apply pressure. It helps.

Other useful tips:

• Accept the help, you are not Wonder Woman! You have undergone major surgery and you need to rest and let your body heal and recover. This means letting your husband and family do EVERYTHING!! I received a sharp telling off from my midwife after one week when I was still walking like I’d shit myself. It took me ten minutes to cross the road as I was in so much pain with my tummy. She asked me what I had been doing, and I told her that I had done this and that (meaning putting washing on, making tea and trying to tidy up.) She literally said I would end up back in hospital if I did so much as lift a kettle. So I was under orders to rest and cuddle Jack.

• Talk about your birth with someone, anyone. Guilt, fear and shame are common emotions to feel after having a section and you can feel like you have let people down. You have not. One thing I have learnt over time is that life gives you what you can tolerate and overcome, and that some things are out of your control. Child birth is one of those things. You can control certain aspects such as pain relief and how you respond to the pain, but some things are simply meant to be. Talking about my birth with my bestest friends was one of the hardest things I had to do, but it helped me process the event and accept the birth I had.

• Cuddle your baby.

• Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time.

Two years down the line, I can talk comfortably about the birth and my scar. I can look down without feeling fear and confusion. Now I look at my scar and feel nothing but admiration and wonder.

Leanne rodgers

I'm a new Mum to my now 11 month old baby boy Jack Leonard Rodgers! Currently enjoying and stumbling my way through motherhood. I work as a Recovery Coordinator for a charity in North Yorkshire, supporting people with drug and alcohol addictions. I'm a wife to my beautiful husband Craig, along with our new son Jack and a stupidly fluffy dog called Casper.

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