Growth from Grief…#BLAW

Alison Cooper - 10 Oct 18

This week is Baby Loss Awareness week or #BLAW, which is admirable given that this is such a difficult and sadly all too common occurrence happening all the time. It’s also a subject that many of us don’t know how to deal with. Some of us are lucky enough to have people around us who understand, and some of us just don’t know how to deal with a friend who may be experiencing such loss.

I say all this from a place of love. My own grief and story, at losing two children and the experience I went through caused me to explore further.

Back in 2009 and 2010 I went in to hospital pregnant and full of hope and expectation, and on both occasions, I left hospital without my baby. I was handed a leaflet with a few support numbers to call if I needed to and sent on my way, the grief I felt was indescribable. I was not in a place mentally to make those types of phone calls, though after some time and at my lowest ebb I did try once. I got an answer machine message that someone would call me back, and I hung up leaving no message. As I laid on the floor crying and shouting ‘why me?’ and ‘how much more do you want me to take?’, to a God I didn’t even believe in, I suddenly felt a sense of calm and a knowing that everything was going to be OK in time.

It’s at that time you learn who your support network is, women “friends” crossed the street because they did not know how to talk to me. After many weeks, I started to journal about my feelings. It was then I connected with a healer, who helped me to see that Ada had been sent to me for a reason and it was then I began to question why loss happens. After losing Ada we tried again and my second son, my rainbow baby was born.

I believe that it is totally possible to heal from grief and loss because I am proof of it, but I understand that many people will not be able to see how it is possible depending on what stage they are at on their own journey. I have grown so much as a person because of what happened for me that I would not go back to the old me for anything because I know that I will see my daughter in spirit one day.

I decided to create the ‘Over the Rainbow Miscarriage and Baby Loss journal’ to enable parents to work through their grief using the guided questions and have included plenty of space for them to write about their own healing journey. The journal is something I would personally have liked to have had access to myself when I didn’t want to talk to anyone about my thoughts and feelings.

 I don’t have all the answers but I do know that;

1.      Finding an outlet – Writing is a good way to work through grief because by going into the pain and expressing you start releasing emotions to enable the healing to begin.

2.      Facing your fear – Avoidance can prolong the agony and I regularly see and hear of people who are still grieving 20 years down the line because they buried it and never really processed their feelings. Getting stuck in the cycle of going over and over excessive negative feelings never helps anyone.

3.      Owning your healing – Breathing and visualisation techniques can help to shift the parent’s energy in a positive and powerful way without having to go over and over and over the trauma. It empowers them in their own healing plus it leaves them feeling more connected to the child or loved one that has transitioned enabling them to move forward positively in their lives.

The most important thing to remember about this journey, is that everyone is unique, and it is different for everyone. The traditional grief model of shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, reflection and then acceptance apply, but in my experience these feelings can come and go in any sequence at any time and many people express years after that they will never get over it.

Fear is also common and parents worry that their child will be forgotten. Which is why the journal is so special, because whilst the parent putting their many thoughts on paper, it is a memorial or something tangible to keep.

If you have been given a fatal diagnosis, ask questions of your health care professional and know all the options before making any decisions. Give yourself a break, what you have been through is the toughest thing anyone could go through so give yourself some compassion, self-care and don’t get busy in order to avoid your feelings. 

Alison Cooper

About the Author: Alison Cooper Previous to Alison’s own loss experiences she was lived in London, initially working as a professional hairdresser before changing career to work as a PA in an Investment bank. She left the City after having her first son who is now 11. Alison is a certified stillbirth bereavement doula and mBIT coach as well as an Angelic Reiki and Rahanni healing practitioner. She is also author of the ‘Over the Rainbow Journal’ which is a self-help journal for anyone going through the loss of a baby. Besides the self-help journal, She has also devised a 10 week grief to growth program which uses a combination of all the bereavement, coaching and spiritual training techniques she has learnt and incorporated following her own experience.

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