My Beautiful Former Self

Joanna Lamontagne - 20 Nov 18

I remember the days of a good Blow… getting yourself all geared up. Being told to sit back, relax and maybe even a little head massage thrown in for good measure…

Now if you all get your minds out of the gutter, i’m talking about a blow dry. Being from Liverpool, there’s nothing more we love than a bit of pampering. Sitting for hours in your hairdresser’s chair spending hours on your phone catching up with the “real world” on social media. I feel like I am the bearer of bad news to new mums but let’s face it – those days are gone.

Just last week, I was throwing on a bottle dye at half 10 at night, praying the baby wouldn’t wake up until at least 10% of the 2000 grey hairs I have developed were covered and wondering if I should dab a bit on my bald patches and the new found fuzz that has sprouted 5 months after giving birth. That night I went to bed with damp hair for fear of the hairdryer waking up the kid – pointless as the baby inevitably woke up just as I slid my damp body into bed. The next morning catching sight of myself in a mirror terrified me – I looked like Diana Ross caught in a hurricane.

Forget spending close to an hour straightening the shit out of every last strand of hair and whilst you’re at it – you might as well sell those curl pods you got last Christmas on Gumtree, sorry girls i’m going to introduce you to your favourite hairstyle as a new mum… the MUM BUN – throw it up and hope for the best! 

The affair I had with make-up has also changed, gone are the days of spending 20 minutes applying one set of fake lashes, right now its all about getting a bit of concealer on and a quick brush of bronzer so not to be asked “are you sick” when you see one of the neighbours.

I try to make an effort with my mum’s age old comment of “put a bit of lipstick on and everything will be alright” constantly ringing in my head but some days I just cannot be arsed. 

I look at some teenage girls today with their (mostly badly) contoured faces, smoky eyes and drawn on lips having just paid for someone to do their make up for an hour just in case they see anyone whilst out shopping and think… just you fucking wait. It also scares the shit out of me reflecting back on how I looked when I was a teenager, wondering if the lad I was snogging the face off in ‘da club liked my silver glitter gel liner and hoping the body glitter I had ALL over me wouldn’t rub off on his blag Tommy Hilfinger shirt?! Such innocence!

Beauty tips or hacks for new mums? My personal faves have to be Mac concealer,  waterproof eyeliner and mascara – when you’ve been up all night feeding your baby every god damn hour but stupidly made plans to meet people the next day – the Pierot clown look don’t suit anyone.

Just remember happy mums are always the most beautiful 💋 Mama Shiz xx

Joanna Lamontagne

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