FEMINIST PARENTING

Nicolette Lafonseca Hargreaves - 26 Jan 15

There are many causes, belief structures, and values to live by. People, being people, are all different. Equally people, being people, clash because we all vehemently believe that our way is the right way. Cue ensuing conflict.

As children and young adults, we go through life like sponges soaking up knowledge. We experiment with who it is we want to be when we ‘grow up’ – a milestone that appears to be an ever-moving target. Over the years, I have discovered that, of all the ‘isms’, feminism is (well, for want of a better way to describe it) a funny one.

Let me illustrate this for you. I am one of an opinionated bunch; I have spent a long time cultivating a social circle that is as loud and politically engaged as myself. But, even in this circle where we are not afraid of saying what we think, I have heard people become apologetic for feminism. People will prefix a statement with, ‘I am not a feminist but…’ – for example, ‘I am not a feminist, but I think men should taken an equal share in housework.’

I have never heard anyone say, ‘I’m not a humanist, but I don’t buy clothes made in sweatshops.’

Why don’t I hear that? Because it would be silly. Just stand by what you believe, and if that means you are branded as a feminist, well… good.

Feminism isn’t a dirty word. It is something to be celebrated. I have a theory (well, I have several, but I’ll spare you a rant): feminism is surrounded by myths. Let me dispel two of the common ones for you.

You can’t be feminine and be a feminist. What nonsense. I wear skirts. I wear makeup. I have eventually learned how to walk in high heels and – guess what – I like it. No holds barred here, I like the colour pink and I love glitter. None of these facts preclude me being a feminist. Nor do they make me better or worse than a feminist who hates all of those things. A belief in equality does not dictate other aspects of your personality – or indeed the films you watch and the clothes you wear.

The dictionary puts it beautifully: ‘Feminism, noun, the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.’ No mention of dress code and certainly no mention of shame.

Feminists hate men. This is utter garbage. These days, feminism is more about supporting the sisterhood, rather than wishing men didn’t exist. Most feminists I know, LOVE men. Lots of us are married to them, or have them as fathers to our children, or are mothers to boys soon to become men. The overriding fact is, even if you do know someone who is a feminist and claims she’s also a man-hater, those two things are not one and the same. Some of the greatest feminists I know are men – not self-hating men just regular men – and talking to them has brought me to an even more resolute, more radical feminist perspective. Feminism is not a girls-only club, just as a belief that racism has no place in our society is not just for those of an ethnic minority.

This brings me to the title of the piece, feminist parenting.

I have been blessed with a little boy and I will be raising him with a feminist perspective. I have been irked by articles and comments in the media in which people claim that because they are raising boys they cannot be feminist. I believe that the ‘myths’ are fuelling this foggy thinking.

If I go on to have little girl I will raise her in the exact same way. I will be teaching my son that he should not judge a book by its cover; and that the way a person dresses does not tell you about their character. I will teach my son that a person is not wrong, cheap or easy if they want to be sexually active, if they want to have one-night stands or a relationship that is purely sexual.

I will teach my son that he should always be honest with his partners and I hope they will be honest with him. I will teach my son that he may find himself confused, because sometimes sex becomes confusing, feelings may develop even when you had never intended them to. I will teach him to take care of his heart and the hearts of others.

If he settles down I will teach him to treat the person he is with as the centre of his world until children arrive. I will teach him that he should expect the same from his partner because love is mutual and true love is balanced. I will teach him that in life every individual should be treated fairly.

I will teach my son that violence breeds violence and it is not the answer. I will teach my son that cat-calling is degrading and as socially unacceptable as shouting about someone’s colour or size. I will teach my son that if he sees injustice towards others and stays silent he too becomes culpable.

I will teach my son that in the future it would be nice to live in a world where feminism didn’t have to exist, where we could just say that all humans are equal – without adding the Orwellian caveat “but some are more equal than others.’

Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, why not join our Network & start posting?

Nicolette Lafonseca Hargreaves

After many years of working in development in the UK and overseas, the social worker in me decided to take her opinions on life to a global platform, so I started a blog. Through this blog I discovered that I loved writing. My friends and family suggested that I find an alternative outlet for my sardonic ranting that was not the dinner table, I found Selfish Mother.

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