10 things you can’t do when you own a toddler

Emily Taylor - 10 Oct 17

With a toddler on the loose in our house – a walking, inquisitive, grabby toddler – I got to thinking about all the things I used to take for granted before I owned a child that I can no longer do.

1. Wear dangly earrings. I know this all too well, after I attempted it and was quickly taught my lesson. A toddler (or younger baby) likes to grab at pretty things and earrings are no exception! If you don’t want to run the risk of having an earring ripped from your ear, pack those beautiful earrings away for baby-free evenings out (as if they ever happen – see #8 below) or maybe for another 10 years or so.
2. Wear necklaces. Same goes for necklaces. The only “safe” necklace now is a teething necklace. To be fair, they sound awful and make you think of kid’s jewellery but I’ve got a couple that wouldn’t look out of place in Cos. Plus, they come with a safety catch, so if you’re little one gets a bit too overenthusiastic, it’ll just pop right off.
3. Wear nice clothes. The law of sod says that if you think for even a moment that you might be able to get away with putting on a nice outfit while your toddler is on the loose, you will be proved wrong. It’s like they know when you are wearing something particularly special and suddenly have a snotty nose that just needs to be wiped across your arm/leg/shoulder/anywhere else they can reach!
4. Have a lie in. Goodbye any “lie in” past 7am. Babies and toddlers like to start the day early. The only way to enjoy any extra time in bed is to tag team with your partner. You will never again be able to enjoy a lie in together but you might be able to enjoy one on your own, occasionally.
5. Have a hot drink. This may be as a result of the toddler distracting you or it might be a symptom of baby-brain! Either way, you will usually remember your freshly made hot drink approximately 45 minutes after it was fresh. Reach for the wine instead – that doesn’t go cold!
6. Have a wee alone. In fact, do anything alone, ever again. But the weeing has been one of the worst. The bathroom used to be a sanctuary, now it is a race to get the job done as quickly as possible! (TMI?!)
7. Eat an entire meal – or any food – without sharing. Whenever I start eating anything, the toddler suddenly appears at my side with these big round eyes and an open mouth. It doesn’t seem to matter if it’s something he would normally refuse to eat, if mummy is eating it, he wants it too! Cue, hiding behind the fridge door!
8. Nights out. Ok, so they happen but they are now planned with military precision. Babysitters have to be arranged months in advance, diaries have to be cleared and god forbid anyone is ill and the whole plan is aborted because it’ll be another six months before you can do it again.
9. Hangovers. This ties in with the lack of lie ins now available. Hangovers need peace and quiet, copious amounts of junk food and the ability to lie in bed for hours. None of these are possible with a toddler. One of you can maybe risk it, if the other is prepared to be on toddler duty for the day, but not both.
10. Popping out for milk. Or bread. Or dinner. Or whatever. Gone are the days of just nipping to the shop. Even a trip to the local corner shop requires at least an hour! Shoes must be found and put on. Coats, the same. Then the slow walk, with frequent stops to look at trees, stones, leaves, the sky. Once at the shop, you spend much of the time returning items to shelves that you don’t need but the toddler wants. And then you have same repeat slow journey home – checking the same leaves and trees and stones and sky.

As the old adage goes though, you can’t live with you but you can’t imagine living without them. You dream of the life you had before, but you can’t imagine a time your toddler wasn’t a part of your life and nor would you want to.

Emily Taylor

I'm a first time mum, blogging about my adventures over at The trainee mum. I'm totally winging it and loving it! Right now my life is consumed entirely by this tiny little boy which is overwhelming and wonderful all at once. I'm hoping at some point in the future, I'll remember who I was again!

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