A Delay of the Heart

Jo Adamson-Parker - 15 Oct 18

It’s National Adoption Week this week so I thought I’d write about something that might worry those thinking about adopting or who’ve recently adopted. I know I worried about this through our adoption process and didn’t really want to mention it at the time.  Would I love the child that was to become mine? Would he love me? Would he even like me?  Ok so that’s three things but it’s all wrapped up into one thing – LOVE.

Growing up I always presumed I’d have children, that I’d feel them growing inside me, feel them kick and move around. I wanted that, I wanted those moments. I wanted the labour, seriously, I did. I wanted to be handed this child that I’d grown and spent the previous nine months talking to and nurturing. But it wasn’t to be and initially I did feel cheated.  I remember during the adoption training we were made to face these emotions and in effect grieve for this loss.

To be honest that didn’t really convince me. So, I binge watched three series of ‘One Born Every Minute’ and whilst it’s obviously an amazing thing to give birth, after watching lots of women screaming and yelling with everyone and their dog and a camera crew looking at places we don’t normally show off, I was well over wanting to experience labour!

But I still wondered, worried if I’d have a connection with my adopted child.  As soon as our social worker at the time read out Bubba’s profile, I wanted him. It was as simple as that for me. She had a one-page information sheet on him, no photo’s, just basic info but I just knew.

The first time we met will always be one of my most vivid and favourite memories but suddenly I had to get to know this little person. What if he cried when I held him? What if I didn’t know how to play with him? I think the first time I changed his nappy his Foster Carer had to tell me I was putting it on backwards! But I could learn that stuff, the feeding, the changing. That was the easy bit, once I got the nappies sorted that is!

Our Social Worker had said to ‘work at his pace, let him come to you’.  So that first day was a bit frustrating, wanting to hold him, waiting for him to come to me but actually it didn’t take long, minutes really, before he was climbing all over me and emptying my bag out. We just fit together.

It’s ironic really that I felt that strong love at the very start and it’s now that I feel the rejection but that’s the AD.

Second time, I wasn’t prepared for it to be so hard. We’d both thought it’d be as easy as it had been with Bubba, a simple, drama free move in. But with Squeak we saw him grieve at what he was losing. We watched him swap his attachment from his Foster Carers to us.

During this we had about a week of him screaming when she walked out of a room, of him fighting to get out of our arms to get to her and crying and vomiting when we tried to feed him. It was awful. And to think that in a way we were causing his distress. We had to get him through this and I didn’t know what to do to comfort him. I wasn’t used to babies or children screaming when I held them.  Every time I did anyway, he bonded with The Wife much sooner than he did with me.

The first time I thought ‘I can do this’ was, I think, day five of introductions. He’d screamed for most of the visit with us and then he eventually fell asleep in my arms and gripped my jumper really tightly as he slept.  I talked to him as he slept, about the life he’d have with us and the people he’d get to know. I think I was trying to convince myself as much as him.  I didn’t know what to do and if he’d ever connect with me and want me like he had his Foster Carer.

To be honest I think it’s taken three years for us to get there but we have.

I’ve always wanted Squeak. I’ve always appreciated him, seen how much other people fall in love with him and I tried to give him the best of me, but I couldn’t love him. I wanted to, and it sounds awful, I felt awful, but I couldn’t let myself let him in. I knew it wasn’t on, it wasn’t fair on him, but I’d think ‘‘The Wife’ has him, he is loved’.

But it wasn’t enough was it? I know some people will think I’m awful and How could I not love him. But I tried. I think in my head I couldn’t let him in and open my heart up to potentially going through again what I had with Bubba. To feel love and then for it to turn so hard once the AD kicked in. To feel the rejection. But that wasn’t Squeaks fault.

I’m saying this and being completely honest because some adopters might feel as I did. They might not instantly feel that connection and that love. They might feel as horrible as I did, like the worst parent ever and unable to change how they feel but don’t beat yourself up. It’s not always instant. You do the things you can, be there for your child and keep trying and then one day it might just catch you by surprise. The love will come, and it’ll hit you. It did for me.

I feel it like a surge of love that overcomes me, and I feel like I need to squeeze him and not stop. I do eventually otherwise he wouldn’t be able to breathe but it feels fresh and new and some days I can’t stop looking at him, watching him. Believing that he’s mine too. So to his Foster Carer, don’t hunt me down and punch me, I got there!

I’m humbled and grateful that Squeak stuck with me. He gave me time to work it out. To work through it.  He’s saved me with his cheeky grin, his infectious laugh and crazy personality. He’s saved me when Bubba has made me cry or hurt me. He’s been there for me and waited. He shouldn’t have had to but I got there. If he reads this when he’s older he’ll know that he really is loved, by both his Mams. And I’m sorry it wasn’t there at the start, but he has all of me now.

The love’s not always instant but when it comes it’s here to stay.

Jo Adamson-Parker

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