A letter to my son on his due date

Tasha Jones - 7 May 18

Dear Kaspar,

My beautiful boy.

I’m not quite sure how but somehow we’ve made it to your due date. Me and daddy have survived. And that is how it feels without you here with us, like we are surviving each day. I had dreams of what this day might look like – whether I’d still be waddling (like a penguin, god I bet you’d have loved penguins) around with you snug in my belly, or better still, having you safely wrapped up in my arms. But your due date is here. And you are not.

You are not with us and that makes me so incredibly sad. I wish so much that things could be different. I wish. I hope. I dream.

I had so many plans for us sweetheart. So many things that I was looking forward to showing and sharing with you. I dreamed of gentle strolls in the sunshine through our favourite parks – me and daddy still walk there now and think about you. I dreamed of lazy (wishful thinking maybe?!) Sunday mornings with you both – breakfast in bed and you all curled up on daddy’s chest (it’s the comfiest place for naps). Big pub lunches (us, not you obviously, you’d be a milk guzzler!) and evenings a mixture of calm and chaos. I dreamed of first feeds, first bedtime stories, first steps, and first words. So many firsts that will never be, that will only exist in our dreams.

I dreamed of how proud I would be introducing you to people and saying ‘this is my son’. And Kaspar, that is one thing that isn’t different because I am so proud of you, and so so proud to say that you are my son. I take every opportunity to show people pictures of you and to talk about you. I tell them about what you looked like, how you felt in my arms, and the mark you made on my heart. I tell them that I miss you.

I miss you every moment of every day. You are my first thought when I wake up, and my last thought before I go to sleep. My mind is always full of you. You are always there with me. In my memories, in my hopes, in my heart.

I carry you with me.

I think back to that moment Kaspar, when I first saw you. Even though the room was busy, bright and noisy, full of doctors and midwives; it didn’t matter, because all I could see was you. You were beautiful, perfect, everything I had ever hoped for and more. You had the most precious little rosebud lips, curly black hair (which explains all the heartburn!) and a teeny button nose. It felt like I spent forever just looking at you. I wanted to remember every part of you. To imprint your beauty in my mind never to be forgotten.

I never got to see your eyes, or hear your beautiful cry. You were peacefully silent. Calm. Content. Loved.

There are so many things about you that I will never know and that I will always wonder about. Your likes. And dislikes. Your quirks. Your strengths. Your struggles. But I will never stop wondering. I will never stop dreaming. I will never stop thinking of you. You will always be my favourite ‘what if.’

You have taught me so much Kaspar. You have taught me that love is unconditional, unending and at times overwhelming. You have taught me how to live each day even though I am afraid of what the future holds. You have taught me about the beauty and fragility of life. You have taught me to be kinder to myself, to look after myself, to say ‘no’ more often, and to take the time I need to piece back together my shattered heart. You have taught me to take risks, to make myself vulnerable and open myself up to others, and in doing so, you have brought the most wonderful, supportive and inspiring people into my life.

You have made me a mum, and Owen a dad. And my god, he is the best daddy you could have wished for. My heart bursts with pure pride when I think of that moment when he first held you. He didn’t let go of you the whole time I was in surgery having my operation – although I didn’t want to leave you, I knew that you were in the safest hands. He is so in love with you. I am just so sorry that you didn’t get more time together.

Me and daddy always talk about you and to you. I wonder if you hear us? I hope that you do. We take you everywhere we go. Today we are heading down to Cornwall to escape for a while – we love to be by the sea. I know that when I look out over that sunset, and watch as the sun dances and flickers, and bobs down below the water that all I will see is you. I see you in the stars, the sun, the snow, the rain, and rainbows. I feel you in the breeze and the still of a warm Spring day. I feel you, because you are always with me.

If love could have saved you sweetheart, then you would have lived forever. Because Kaspar, you are so unbelievably loved.

Always remember that my love for you is endless and scattered amongst the stars. And even knowing what I know now, how this would all end, I’d still choose you over and over again.

Until I can hold you in my arms again, I will hold you in my heart,

Love Mummy, xxx

Tasha Jones

Daughter, Sister, Wife, Clinical Psychologist, and most recently Mother. Blogging about life after loss, and finding love amongst the stars. And how to parent the shit out of life when it doesn't go to plan. www.loveamongstthestars.com #CosmicKaspar

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