A Mother’s Ache

Heather B - 6 Apr 17

To any mums out there struggling with delayed bereavement of losing your own mother as a child since having your own children – I hear you. I thought I had coped fairly well over the last 29 years since losing my mum at the age of three. I was brought up by my incredible father and two doting older sisters as well as loving aunts and grandparents. Later in life I also gained a wonderful stepmother, two stepbrothers and a half brother. It certainly wasn’t a ‘normal’ upbringing but I did feel loved.

However, having my own child at the age of 30 hit me like a freight train as it became all too clear what I had missed out on and what had been taken away from her too. Anger, sadness and bitterness are unexpected emotions as I journey into motherhood. I would love to hear from anyone who is going through this too. Alone we stand together ladies x

How can my heart ache for something it never really had?
When I look into my son’s eyes I am filled with such joy then spitefully stung by a reminder of what was so close for me but never really was…

Hugs I don’t remember
A face I can’t recall
Dreams that were never shared
No soothing voice, no comforting scent
Making Mother’s Day cards at school for an Aunty instead

How will my motherly instincts prevail when I have nothing to compare?
Photographs, the odd anecdote and her ring upon my finger
That’s it, that’s all there is now, it’s too raw, too painful to linger anymore

“Be thankful for what you do have, don’t dwell in the past”
“She’d be so proud of you, so happy, she’d not want you to be sad”
You could be talking about anyone, for I do not recall the Mother I once had

So fleeting, so distant, like a dream I keep revisiting
Hoping for a different ending the next time that I wake
The same hazy faded pictures, the dusty smell of her wedding dress
The gradual realisation, the familiar ache…

The rainbow and warmth of my son, in such contrast
Every moment, mood and memory captured – made to last
But I am ever fearful that one day this too will just be a memory too painful to recall
I have become the thing I had for just three short years – how I am supposed to know it all?

I’ve not been wired correctly, there has been no earth line to keep me sane
The sparks keep igniting
Bringing so much joy, bringing so much painI need to heal, to move on, to have nothing but love in my heart
But how can I start this journey, when I don’t know what was once mine to start?

Heather B

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