A Very Long Tunnel…..

Jo Adamson-Parker - 4 Jun 18

Well, I’m glad to see the back of May. Despite June being my ‘Birthday Month’, May was challenging to say the least! I know some might look at us and what we did and laugh when I say it was a hard month, and yes we spent most of it in Melbourne, came back to the UK, Bubba had a couple of days at school, I may have even worked a couple of hours and then we were off on holiday again. SO, yes, on paper it looked like we were living it up and I’m really grateful for the adventures we’ve been on but never the less it was challenging,

I’ve had a month of confrontation and anxiety, of hurt and frustration. And when I say ‘I’ve had’ it’s not because The Wife isn’t present, or isn’t involved, but with no disrespect meant to her, she doesn’t get the wrath of Bubba to the level I do, and she gets plenty of it as it is. During our time away though I think she realised how much lands on me, the physical blows and the bickering. So being on holiday and still enduring it but then him ramping it up to an extreme level and living through it, I’ve come back feeling like we didn’t go away. I think the extreme affect it had on Bubba really shocked me and I’ve dealt with it for four years now, I’ve seen it begin and grow and last month it reached a point that really scared me I think. To see my beautiful boy struggling in such a way and I couldn’t reach him, I couldn’t help him and worse – I felt I put him there.

Was it a trip too far? Was it too much at once? I created that, I wanted to give them both an adventure, to see amazing things and see life. I didn’t think he’d react like he did. There was no relaxation. There was no respite. Well ok there might have been an hour of respite for me when I went for a massage, but I was so mentally exhausted that I fell asleep during it and now feel cheated that I paid £65 for something I slept through!! I wonder if she carried on massaging or read a magazine?!

Anyway, I feel like its taken its toll, on me, on the family and I’ve been doing a lot of reassessing, a lot of re-prioritising, looking at what’s important – The Boys and the things that keep me sane! Because I think as primary caregiver to the boys and washer of The Wife’s pants, if I go cuckoo and rock in a corner, anarchy may reign and that will help no one. You have to look after yourself to look after ours, isn’t that true? The Wife tells me this a lot and it’s gradually sinking in.

So today I might have done something about both helping the boys and retaining my sanity. Today I may have reached the end of my three-and-a-half-year battle to find a therapist that can help us. Today I met a really nice man who said lots of things I’ve wanted someone to say for a long time. Someone who I think I can trust, someone who I think Bubba might trust and he might just make a difference. Time will tell but already he has light bulbs switching on for me, already he’s getting Bubba and he wants to help us as a family. When he said, ‘I think I can help you as a family’, that struck a massive chord because it’s not just the child with the challenges that needs the support is it? It’s all of us.

When you have a child with Special needs, whatever form they take, your whole family is affected, of course it is. Me and The Wife are affected individually, and even though we’re completely on the same page with the boys and constantly talk through it, the relationship is affected. Squeak is affected, I’m really trying to think of another word for ‘affected’ and I can’t so please make some suggestions for future use!

You know what I mean though, Squeak has a very different relationship with his brother than he would have if Bubba didn’t have Attachment Disorder and whilst we’ve always been very mindful that Squeak would never suffer because of this, you always wonder. Do I give him enough? Does he see that his brother is different with him?

But I wanted to write this to hopefully show that there can be light at the end of a tunnel, even if it’s a really long one. To other families out there, there can be light. We’ve been here before though and thought we had the right person and they let us down. That time it didn’t work but today I’m taking a deep breath and saying, ‘Lets do this’.

Somethings saying June might just be a ‘lighter’ month.

Jo Adamson-Parker

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