All the things I’ve lost and found

Lou - 14 May 18

There are many things you lose when you become a mother. In the early days it’s mostly sleep, the ability to hold a conversation, and car keys, (I was pretty bad at that before but I didn’t stand a chance when sleep deprived). I’ve completely lost my s*!t on more than one occasion too.

The thing that surprised me most was the loss of independence. I’ve always been fiercely independent and suddenly I lost the ability to do things on my timetable, when it suited me. Simple things like going for a wee suddenly seemed to be governed by committee.

I lost sight of all of the amazing things we do in caring and nurturing a tiny human through those intense first months. 

Now mine are older I find I still lose my keys regularly, along with my wallet, phone and work pass but it’s usually because my toddler has been rifling through my handbag. I feel I’ve lost the right to complain about being tired even though my 2 year old has, to date, only slept through the night a handful of times. I’ve lost my temper more often than I’d like to admit when trying to get out of the door on the school run. “SHOES” is shouted with the ferocity of a real four letter word when uttered for the hundredth time. 

I’ve lost friends, not in a dramatic breakup kind of fashion but a few of my closest ties have grown looser over the past five years. Our lives have changed shape taking us on different journeys. That said i’ll never lose sight of how important those people are to me.

In recent months I’ve come to realise that loosing things isn’t all bad. Whilst I’ve lost more packets of wet-wipes than I care to remember, I’ve also lost that feeling of self consciousness, of caring so much what other people think. I’ve lost the need to try and get everything right and be the perfect mum.

Amidst this madness I realise I’ve found so much more than I’ve ever lost. 

I’ve found strength, courage, and bravery. I found unconditional love and a way of loving that I never imagined was possible. I found resilience and hope to get me through the darkest hours. I found friendship. I found a way to build a tool kit to help me on this crazy journey. It’s helped me find new ways to connect with my family as me, not just mummy. 

Most of all I found laughter helps, a lot. If you can laugh at the things that test the patience of a Saint then you’re doing ok.

Of all the things I’ve lost and found loosing my freedom was the hardest, but I’ve found it’s been replaced in ways I never expected. I have the freedom to experience the world again, for a second time through the eyes of a child. I’ve found a new way of looking at life and I have to admit it’s pretty amazing.

To all the mums out there remember, it’s ok to lose things, life has a pretty magical way of helping you find what’s important again.

Lou

Mum of two, wife to one, friend to all.

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