Am I selfish mother

Esme Powles - 14 Jan 19

I listened to a Podcast ages ago and it was a family therapist talking about endless numbers of parents telling her that all they want is for their child to be happy. That they don’t want them to feel excluded or sad or depressed or lonely. When she asked why they desire this their response was something along the lines of “Because I love them”. Which is true for most if not all mothers. We want our children to always be happy because it hurts us when they are hurting. Out heart aches and we relive our own sadness or we foresee more sadness for them. The truth is, as she explained, is that we are selfish mothers. We selfishly want our children to be happy because it’s easier for us. It’s less painful and more enjoyable. We don’t have to worry that they walk around on their own in the playground or they feel dumb and not as clever as their friends. We also don’t want to have to hold them while they are crying because they don’t know what’s wrong but ‘something inside is stopping her breathing’.

But we have to give up our selfish desires and step up to the responsibility of being a parent. We have to cry with them and we have to be their strength and we have to teach them to deal with all those horrible things. We have to give them the tools. I have taught my children (4, 6, 7 & 8) basic EFT (tapping) that they can do on themselves, they have learnt to meditate, we work on growth mindset and avoid fixed mindset and we use essential oils to help with mood management.

My daughter gets anxious in some situations. I remember her being a toddler and panicking about going into a singing time and I didn’t see it then. She was shy but I never really saw or considered what that meant to her. So I would encourage her more and just tell myself she would be ok. She now has emotional outbursts that leave her feel really bad about herself. Really, really bad. She can’t explain why it happens and no amount of talking, cuddling or comforting will settle her. I remember talking to her once after one of her outbursts-

“You have so much goodness in you”

“I feel so much badness in my body except for my little toe. That’s the only space I have good”

Even when we do positive affirmations she says them through gritted teeth because she dislikes herself. It’s somewhere deep inside her and I am trying to give her the tools to be able to deal with it. We started her on an essential oil protocol about 6 weeks ago and it has been amazing for her. I attended a class where a mum was sharing her story about her child and it was like she was describing my daughter. She said she had been using a blend of oils three times a day and loved what they were doing. So I started on them as soon as I was home. We apply her special blend in the morning, after school and before bed and although she has angry moments, her ability to control and understand her emotions is amazing. She is so content and happy. She can vocalise her feelings and I’ve noticed she is more tactile and wants more physical attention. I love it!

I don’t want to be a selfish mother and I am trying to raise grounded, happy, proud, feisty little warriors.

Nothing prepares you for being a mum but being a mum is preparing me for anything.

Esme Powles

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