Are Mums Massive Moaners These Days?

Anniki Sommerville - 23 Jan 19

I’m at a baby group. It’s ten am on a weekday. Each of us sits with a lukewarm coffee by our side. Each with enormous sacks under our eyes. Looking as if we could fall asleep at any moment.

The conversation flows easily.

‘If I put her down then she immediately wakes up again.’

‘Mine won’t sleep unless I tap out a rhythm on her buggy handle.’

‘I have that ‘sleep sheep’ thing – you know the heartbeat setting but he won’t sleep without it.’

‘We’ve got no napping schedule in place. NO ROUTINE AT ALL.’

We look down at our babies. There’s a brief pause. Then the conversation resumes.

‘I think I got two hours last night.’

‘God two hours is good! I got about one. In fact Tilly was up every hour. Every hour!’

‘Every hour? I can’t remember when Ivor slept for one hour.’

We all go back to studying our babies. One of the babies is sitting in an inflatable car. She has slumped down so she looks punch-drunk.

‘Oh look it’s George Michael in his Land Rover,’ I say, ‘You know when he kept crashing into shops!’

The Mums all look at me. George Michael wasn’t the right reference point perhaps. He died. It’s not appropriate to joke about his tragic drug use. Luckily the conversation gets back on topic.

‘I hate this stage- I just want her to get more independence.’

‘Tell me about it. I want to be able to go to the toilet on my own.’

‘I want to be able to eat a sandwich with both hands.’

‘Maybe have sex again!’

‘Oh no we won’t be doing that again,‘ another says.

I stare out the window. I have many many things I want to complain about. I haven’t slept more than a couple of hours. My pelvic floor feels like jelly- in fact I’m too scared to even check if my vagina is intact or hanging inside out. My back hurts. I’m in my forties but feel ready for a care home. I’ve stopped looking in mirrors.

‘Yes my sleep is awful too,’ I say.

The chat about sleep deprivation starts up and then turns to weaning. The fact that it’s impossible to find a combination that babies like. That it’s a hassle when they reject something. That some foods are easy to choke on. That someone somone else knows had a kid that choked on banana. That bananas make babies constipated. That Annabel Karmel is a pain because she holds up a vison of domestic perfection. That cooking for kids is awful. That older kids only eat crisps.

The moaning continues. I love a good moan as much as the next woman but were Mums always like this? Did our Mums complain as much? If I was an alien watching I’d think that none of these women actually WANTED these children – that these sleep-robbing, lumpen, pain in the A babies were forced upon them.

The thing is I love a good moan too. There’s something cathartic and when you’ve both got newborns there’s a race on to get as much moaning out of your system as possible. The only issue is we don’t tend to talk about ANYTHING positive. Is this because there isn’t much? Is this the truth of being a parent? That it’s just an endless pain in the butt? Or do we come across as smug if we say positive things? As women we relate to other women who put themselves down. We don’t like Mums who claim that everything is hunky dory. We’re deeply suspicious of these Mums.

Is this moaning part of a broader societal change where we all feel we have to share all our neuroses? That our negative experiences bond us together like glue? Are we just too unrealistic about parenting and what it entails?

‘I tried to change her nappy and  two minutes later she did a massive poo,’ a Mum says.

‘God I hate it when they poo,’ another says.

‘Poo is the pits.’

This moaning is contagious. There’s another hour left. There’s another area we haven’t covered off just yet.

‘So how was your labour?’ I say tentatively and wait.

Anniki Sommerville

I'm Super Editor here at SelfishMother.com and love reading all your fantastic posts and mulling over all the complexities of modern parenting. We have a fantastic and supportive community of writers here and I've learnt just how transformative and therapeutic writing can me. If you've had a bad day then write about it. If you've had a good day- do the same! You'll feel better just airing your thoughts and realising that no one has a master plan. I'm Mum to a daughter who's 3 and my passions are writing, reading and doing yoga (I love saying that but to be honest I'm no yogi).

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