As the Kids Go Back To School, Wave Goodbye to ‘Summer-time Shame’

Kirsty Lemare - 3 Sep 18

It’s September and the kids are heading back to school, to sighs of relief for some and tears of sadness for others (or a bit of both for me).

It’s entirely dependent on what sort of summer you’ve had, as to which you might be feeling.

Summer with my two boys has been quiet in the main.  I’m heavily pregnant, so our usually frantically busy adventuring was thrown out of the window, to be replaced with reading, crafts and chilling out.

I was expecting it to be a nightmare, but the boys have responded beautifully to a less structured approach and are probably the most relaxed I’ve ever seen them (a lesson for future years methinks).

So, this year, dropping them off at the school gates to spend the days without their unique perspective on the world is going to make me quite sad.

That hasn’t always been the case. I’ve had the summers from hell that never seem to end.  The ones where the children rampaged through the long days in a maelstrom of tantrums and trashing the joint.

Those days often ended with tears from me of how on earth I’d cope for six whole weeks, usually followed by furious Facebook rants and ultimately real gratitude (from both me and the neighbours) for the early September morning I could drop them off and put back together both my shattered home and mental equilibrium.

And you know what?  That’s ok.

It’s ok if you’ve had a golden summer, filled with joy and love*. If we’re lucky we get to experience at least one of those and they’re wonderful, creating the sort of memories we know we’ll carry when we’re older and they’ve left us far behind.

It’s also ok if you’ve had the summer from hell and your body and mind is broken by your little delights deciding to defecate all over your best attempts to be a perfect parent.  It’s completely fine to drop them off on the first day of term with a huge sigh of relief and a LARGE slice of cake.

Finally, it’s ok if you haven’t really spent much time with the kids this summer because you’ve either had or want to work.  Not everyone gets the luxury of spending the whole period off and they probably had a fab time at their holiday club/grandparents/activity of choice.

What’s not ok however is what I like to call ‘special time shaming’.

Those stupid posts on social media positioned as ‘supportive’ but which are deeply damaging judgements on mothers. Nothing more than an attempt to make you feel sad and guilty.

I’m talking about articles with titles like ‘remember Mamma (boke) you’ve only got 18 summers to enjoy your children’. Videos with tiny hands holding yours, and laughing mothers smooching their kids until they eventually grow up and leave.

I get what they might be trying to say – life is short, childhood goes quickly, enjoy every minute blah, blah, but honestly, it’s BS, dressed up as self-help and it makes no-one feel better.

Firstly, it’s inaccurate.  As anyone with a teen will testify, they’re not yours after about thirteen.  Secondly it puts such huge pressure on us, conflating mothers with everyday deity’s, removing all autonomy from our families for how they might want to feel, or what they could do.

It says ‘YOU, Mamma (again, boke) are entirely responsible for the joyousness or otherwise of your child’s existence and if anyone isn’t loving it, it’s because YOU are not doing it right.

I’ve done ‘parenting’ for nearly 14 years and as much as I love my children, I sometimes loathe their cheese grating demands on my time, money and mental resilience.  At other times I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather spend time with.  And that’s as much to do with who they are as who I am.

Our kids get bored, they don’t always relish the same things we do, and I can virtually guarantee that the more I promise myself we’re going to have a lovely day, the faster they wake up with the hump and decide we’re not.

They’re people too, not memes. Individuals, with their own needs and wants and its not realistic to suggest that we can enjoy them all the time, any more than they do us.

Remember that when you drop them off this week. Remember it if you dance home in joy or shed a few tears for the passing of time.  Remember it (with tact) when you’re sharing your stories of horror or joy at the school gates and always remember it before you deem yourself not good enough in the future.

After all, regardless of how many summers you get as a parent, you must live with yourself for an awful lot more.

*unless you posted #blessed on social media at any point during it. If you did that you need to get in the sea.

Kirsty Lemare

Kirsty is the editor of Beyond Fabulous and a digital brand strategist. She enjoys healthy living, regular meditation and knows she is #blessed. Only joking, she's a borderline drunk with a chocolate habit and a waistline growing faster than the national debt. She's quite fun though and she really likes shoes. Oh, and she is the harried owner of two children, two cats, one dog, and a husband.

View profile for posts, events and more info