Baby Loss: what may help family and friends supporting bereaved parents

Caro Greenwood - 9 Oct 17

This week is baby loss awareness week.

My least favourite day of the entire year was three weeks ago. Frederick George Arthur Greenwood would have been 15 this year. Freddie was born 16 weeks early. He lived and died in my arms in a devastatingly short 45 minutes.

It was the most painful period of my entire life, what may have helped, would have been if those supporting me, had an insight from someone who had suffered baby loss, to explain what may help them provide that support.  I hope this article gives you, what you need to be there for your friends or family.

Firstly what not to say to person grieving baby loss…

1)Life goes on/chin up
What the bereaved parent is thinking – I’d rather it didn’t actually. I mean ‘Life goes on’?? Can no-one please ever use that phrase again ever. The latter is what you say when someone loses their credit card, not a human being.

2) There’ll be other babies
BP (bereaved parent) I don’t want other babies , I want that baby, that one, he was perfect and I only want him.

3) It may have been a blessing if there was something wrong with it
BP- I don’t care if he was the most imperfect specimen of a human, I still want him, only him.

4) I hope you’re feeling better, weather’s been a bit ropey… (avoiding subject entirely talk about anything but the baby)
BP- I don’t want to be here either, if you don’t know what to say, just say, ‘ I don’t know what to say’.

5) My Granny lost a baby/I know someone that….
BP – I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.
Don’t try and bring it back to someone else. It’s about their baby. How they feel. Comparison to another situation is really unhelpful.

Tips that may help Support Your Grieving friend.

When you are grieving a tiny life, you don’t need or want good meaning folk rocking up with all the answers, you can’t make it better, you just can’t.

Don’t try and be the oracle, be the person who is there when they are ready. Even if you don’t know that person well, be the honest one who says,
‘I don’t know what to say’.
No one does, so rather than fill the air with well meaning sentiment, just be honest. You’re sorry and you don’t know what to say. Because you are, right?

Initially, everyday will be dark for your friend. A commonality for parents grieving baby loss, is that ALL of their mates are having full term, perfectly healthy babies. Everyone is talking about the breast pads least likely to leak, the most efficient baby bag, teething issues… it’s heartbreaking.

Find someone to have your baby, even a new baby can be left for an hour.

Be practical. When you are grieving, all practicality is lost. Be useful, cook something, bring ready meals, take their dog on a walk, feed their cat, wash some clothes.
Call the NCT group and explain. Let John Lewis know the cot isn’t needed. Call their work place for them.

Be mindful of suggesting ‘things to do’. Countless people were all, ‘let’s get some fresh air’.
What is it about fresh air?!
Gauge the feeling of the day, it will obviously be a somber one, but if you know that person well, you will know when they are ready to leave the house.
Remember their mind is not rational. It is consumed entirely and utterly by the baby they created but can never have.

Rather than go in with ‘how are you feeling today?’. Perhaps try ‘I know its another day without him, I’m here when you’re ready to talk’.
Voice messages are good. I couldn’t pick up the phone for a while but listening to vm’s made me feel less alone. So if they don’t pick up the phone, leave a message, write it down if you have to. So you’re not all ‘ummmm, uhhhhh, you ok?’ Just be yourself, be calm. Don’t be emotional on a message, there’s enough of that.
On the emotional front, my feeling is that’s its ok to cry with them, remember its all about them and their baby. Which is why in the above ‘what not to say’ part, I have pointed out it’s important you don’t try and relate what they are feeling to another person who may have suffered similarly. They will tell you when they are ready to speak to someone who may have been through the same.

Another weird bit of advice. Don’t wear perfume when you visit, strong scents of any kind takes you right back to that that time.

My sister in law gave me the bracelet pictured. I have all my children’s initials on it, his is right next to mine, exactly where it should be. I treasure this above all things. If you were wishing to get something, consider this. Perhaps a group of you could get together, it would mean so much.

So in short-
1) Acceptance of how they are feeling is the key.
2) Don’t try and make things better, just be there.
3) It may happen all over the world to a gazillion people or to your Granny three times but it’s not about any of them.
4) Time, time, time – give them this. It takes time.

In Freddie’s very short little life, the money that has been raised in his name, has helped countless tiny humans survive. I am incredibly proud of him and doubly so to be his Mother.

Someone told me once, that one day we will be together again. They were wrong.  He is the babies that survived. He is the research that goes on in his name, to this day.  He is everywhere. But most importantly, he is the watcher of his siblings, my greatest listener, my comfort, my Birdy, my boy. He is with my every single day, because you you see, he never left.

Caro x

Link to full article

Caro Greenwood

I am a 42 year old mother to three children. Two boys 13 and 8 and a girl who is 11 and has additional needs, a spikey profile. A womenswear buyer before I was a parent, I lived in London for twelve years before moving out to Buckinghamshire. I'm married to Will, I've run one marathon, climbed one mountain and am currently co chair for @bornecharity. I started spikeymama.com to share my parenting journey and my other passions, Mental health and fitness amongst others, but mainly parent empowerment, because they never said it we would be like this and we're all in it together. Caro x caro@spikeymama.com

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