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Banish Working Mum Guilt

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Today my maternity leave ends. I am both elated and absolutely devastated. Motherhood has a nasty habit of creating this kind of dissonance. I am sitting on the district line with a huge lump in my throat. Hair blow-dried, lippy applied, and a handbag holding my laptop rather than an oversupply of wet wipes and sudacreme. I feel naked.

Over the past year I have experienced all the emotions when it comes to work. Whilst I was pregnant I counted down the days until maternity leave started, convinced that I would never want to return again. The

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thought of being a stay-at-home mum sounded like paradise. Then, once Maya was born, I spent the next 6 months mourning the loss of my former self and missing being able to leave the house every morning in clean clothes, marching to work with my coffee and bouncy hair. I was in a deep state of panic that my brain would literally turn to jelly and I would have no choice but to succumb to the all-consuming, exhausting boredom of motherhood forever. In hindsight I was probably being just a tad dramatic. Then, as the reality of returning to work started to
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loom large a few months ago I began to actively and mindfully ‘be thankful’ for the time I had left with Maya, finally listening to people who told me ‘it’ll be over before you know it’. And the past month? I have been in complete denial that it’s almost over. Maya has been her brightest, funniest, most amazing self, loving me and our time together. It’s almost as if she knows. Knows that she has one last chance to convince me to stay. Unaware that the decision is totally out of my hands now. How do they know? How do they know to push all
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the right buttons? To reach our deepest, darkest emotions, grab on tight and not let go?

Despite the large lump in my throat, I know deep down that me going back to work is the best thing for both of us. I need to get back to being ‘me’. I need time with some new and interesting people. Time to talk about something other than Maya (although I am sure I will bore colleagues senseless with inane Mum chat). Time to miss her and appreciate her amazingness. And she needs some time to grow away from me, to learn from other people, to spend time

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with other babies. Time to understand that she can’t always get exactly what she wants. And time to miss me and appreciate my amazingness.

This rational, logical thinking doesn’t make it any easier though. It didn’t make it easier when I left her this morning, crying and reaching for me. Pleading with me not to leave. Her little eyes frightened and anxious. It doesn’t help me with the heavy load of guilt I am now carrying around alongside my wet wipe-free handbag. I’ll feel this guilt all day. Mum guilt. Every Mum experiences it, and

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unless you are going to spend eighteen years with your child fixed to your hip, you can’t really avoid it. It’s designed to hit you when you attempt to have a life, however tiny, away from your tiny human. It’s painful. A physical ache. I guess it was nature’s way of ensuring that babies survived, that they weren’t left in caves to be eaten by sabre toothed tigers. The thing is, that Mum-guilt can be quite debilitating in today’s modern world. It can lead to all kinds of unhealthy behaviour – crying, obsessing, over-eating, under-eating,
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unhappiness, an inability to do anything for yourself, a lack of concentration, and an addiction to the photos on your phone akin to crack cocaine, to name just a few. So how do you cope with that?

Firstly, you look in the mirror and you repeat ‘I am a fantastic mum who loves my baby and always does the best by him/her’. Secondly, you reframe what it means to be going back to work. You’re not abandoning your baby, you’re not being selfish, and you’re not doing a bad thing. You are giving your baby the opportunity to explore and

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experience new people and things. You are teaching him/her the importance of being a successful, independent and strong woman. You are getting a little bit of ‘you’ back, which will make you a better Mum in the long run. Thirdly, you go and absolutely rock your job. Take it all in. Enjoy the feeling of being out on your own. Grab a coffee and drink it without having to make a silly voice and blow bubbles. Chat to your work colleagues about their fabulous shoes. Miss your baby so much that by the end of the day you are running home to have baby sludge
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thrown at you, and laughing rather than crying when it happens. You are doing a great thing.

Right, I’m off to the mirror to reapply my lippy and start repeating that affirmation.

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Banish Working Mum Guilt

- 6 Dec 18

Today my maternity leave ends. I am both elated and absolutely devastated. Motherhood has a nasty habit of creating this kind of dissonance. I am sitting on the district line with a huge lump in my throat. Hair blow-dried, lippy applied, and a handbag holding my laptop rather than an oversupply of wet wipes and sudacreme. I feel naked.
Over the past year I have experienced all the emotions when it comes to work. Whilst I was pregnant I counted down the days until maternity leave started, convinced that I would never want to return again. The thought of being a stay-at-home mum sounded like paradise. Then, once Maya was born, I spent the next 6 months mourning the loss of my former self and missing being able to leave the house every morning in clean clothes, marching to work with my coffee and bouncy hair. I was in a deep state of panic that my brain would literally turn to jelly and I would have no choice but to succumb to the all-consuming, exhausting boredom of motherhood forever. In hindsight I was probably being just a tad dramatic. Then, as the reality of returning to work started to loom large a few months ago I began to actively and mindfully ‘be thankful’ for the time I had left with Maya, finally listening to people who told me ‘it’ll be over before you know it’. And the past month? I have been in complete denial that it’s almost over. Maya has been her brightest, funniest, most amazing self, loving me and our time together. It’s almost as if she knows. Knows that she has one last chance to convince me to stay. Unaware that the decision is totally out of my hands now. How do they know? How do they know to push all the right buttons? To reach our deepest, darkest emotions, grab on tight and not let go?
Despite the large lump in my throat, I know deep down that me going back to work is the best thing for both of us. I need to get back to being ‘me’. I need time with some new and interesting people. Time to talk about something other than Maya (although I am sure I will bore colleagues senseless with inane Mum chat). Time to miss her and appreciate her amazingness. And she needs some time to grow away from me, to learn from other people, to spend time with other babies. Time to understand that she can’t always get exactly what she wants. And time to miss me and appreciate my amazingness.
This rational, logical thinking doesn’t make it any easier though. It didn’t make it easier when I left her this morning, crying and reaching for me. Pleading with me not to leave. Her little eyes frightened and anxious. It doesn’t help me with the heavy load of guilt I am now carrying around alongside my wet wipe-free handbag. I’ll feel this guilt all day. Mum guilt. Every Mum experiences it, and unless you are going to spend eighteen years with your child fixed to your hip, you can’t really avoid it. It’s designed to hit you when you attempt to have a life, however tiny, away from your tiny human. It’s painful. A physical ache. I guess it was nature’s way of ensuring that babies survived, that they weren’t left in caves to be eaten by sabre toothed tigers. The thing is, that Mum-guilt can be quite debilitating in today’s modern world. It can lead to all kinds of unhealthy behaviour – crying, obsessing, over-eating, under-eating, unhappiness, an inability to do anything for yourself, a lack of concentration, and an addiction to the photos on your phone akin to crack cocaine, to name just a few. So how do you cope with that?
Firstly, you look in the mirror and you repeat ‘I am a fantastic mum who loves my baby and always does the best by him/her’. Secondly, you reframe what it means to be going back to work. You’re not abandoning your baby, you’re not being selfish, and you’re not doing a bad thing. You are giving your baby the opportunity to explore and experience new people and things. You are teaching him/her the importance of being a successful, independent and strong woman. You are getting a little bit of ‘you’ back, which will make you a better Mum in the long run. Thirdly, you go and absolutely rock your job. Take it all in. Enjoy the feeling of being out on your own. Grab a coffee and drink it without having to make a silly voice and blow bubbles. Chat to your work colleagues about their fabulous shoes. Miss your baby so much that by the end of the day you are running home to have baby sludge thrown at you, and laughing rather than crying when it happens. You are doing a great thing.
Right, I’m off to the mirror to reapply my lippy and start repeating that affirmation.

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