Becoming

fi.m - 7 Aug 18

When I became pregnant with my daughter, a male co-worker (with no children) in my office told me that ‘I’d be sitting at home watching day time T.V. and and meeting other mums for coffee in Nero’. Another female co-worker (with children) leapt on this and so ensued a barrage of heated exchanges about how deluded he was and how he should grow up and pay attention next time he was out in a cafe. She told him how isolating it was and how you could rarely muster up the energy or motivation to leave the house, yet finish a hot drink without worrying you’d be pissing off punters with a screaming baby. 

To be honest, the interaction terrified me. I had nothing to give in the conversation because I simply had no idea and there was another part of me that didn’t want to say anything for fear of being dragged in and lectured about how hard it would be. I knew I had no idea, and I was quite happy to play the ignorant card until I absolutely had no other choice. Suffice to say, after the ‘conversation’, my male colleague shut up and things went back to normal with no other comments made other than ‘not long to go now, are you having a girl or boy, have you bought everything?’, but I felt slightly scarred. Would I go from being a social thirty something woman to one who stayed inside all day covered in poo and vomit glued to the television?

Okay, it didn’t happen. I had the baby (let’s gloss over this because birth is a separate entity and article in its own right) and I joined a couple of baby classes once I felt ready. I stayed in contact with NCT friends and friends with babies. I went out for walks with other mum friends. I drank coffee. I learned nursery rhymes with other newbies. I made sure that I didn’t become isolated. I even did the obligatory John Lewis cafe trip when I really didn’t feel able. You can tell there’s a but coming up right? It took a bit of time, but I slowly realised that just because I had joined classes and was seeing other mums, didn’t mean I wasn’t lonely sometimes. And sometimes lonely a lot. I was physically present but I wasn’t actually talking to anyone about the really hard stuff. We’d make conversation about sleeping or feeding or car trips or injections but I wasn’t talking about me and how hard it sometimes was. My husband and my marriage came under strain at times because we were both exhausted and I’d become fraught with anxiety about leaving the house with a baby who I couldn’t stop screaming with no one to reassure me. I had people forcing their strong opinions on what I should and shouldn’t be doing with my baby (sometimes people close to me, sometimes complete strangers) and I didn’t feel confident in telling them where to go. I was lost and I would cry a lot and become confused. Not because I had post natal depression but because I had no one telling me that what I was feeling was totally normal and that everything was a phase. 

Once I had the realisation that I needed to talk with others and share experiences, I became a bit bored of all the classes. I’d see other mums, exhausted and un-showered and teary and want so desperately to talk to them but it’s a little bit hard when you’re ‘waving hello to the sun’ (no offence to Baby Sensory there but that song seems to never end when you’re in new baby sleep deprivation haze). Where were the groups for mums to talk? In Reading, where I live, there were none. There were apps to encourage new mums to meet up with common interests but this felt a little forced and a bit like additional hard work. And also a massive gamble, what happens if you’re trapped by a lake with a woman who you have nothing in common with other than the fact that you both ‘read books’?!

I went to watch a play in London written and performed by two actors in London (one woman was the brilliant Michelle Terry, recently appointed artisitic director of The RSC and the other was the inspirational Rosalie Craig who I’d previously seen in Wonder.land – both entirely wonderful women and honest new mums) about their experiences of labour and birth. Other than an exceptionally written script – what really struck me was how desperately the audience wanted to participate in the feedback after the performance had finished. We discussed labour, birth stories, partners, returning to work, money, childcare amongst many topics and there just wasn’t enough time to cover everything. The mothers wanted and needed an out, someone to talk to and share their stories with. 

I mentioned this to a friend from a yoga class and she was immediately interested in taking this further, having had exactly the same thoughts. We chatted lots and decided to start something (a group, a community, a revolution!) for mums and mums alone. Little ones were of course welcome but the focus was on issues surrounding new mums.  Within 6 weeks, word had spread and we had nearly 100 Facebook members and our first meeting had nearly 20 people! That was in October 2017 so we are approaching our year anniversary. We tackle a different topic every month and the Facebook page is a central hub for anyone posting articles, videos, opinions on subjects that mean something to them. 

One member told us after our second meeting that ‘it was the only time she really felt she could totally be herself’. I cannot tell you the happiness I felt. No one should ever feel alone, especially at such an incredibly difficult time and I was so happy that she felt confident and safe enough to confide that in us. I love our women. We are all different, from different backgrounds with alternative views and bring our children up in unique ways but we chat, eat cake, laugh, cry and feel reassured that we are not alone. 

We’ve just received some funding in order to take our group further and I genuinely feel prouder of this than when I finished my degree. They say a problem shared is a problem halved, which I have hesitation about but I do think that a problem shared is a problem reassured. 

For more information please join us on our facebook page – Becoming Mums or by visiting www.becomingmums.com. We greatly look forward to meeting you!

fi.m

New mum that loves all things food related. Recently discovered that sleep deprivation goes nicely hand in hand with salt-based snacks and stale biscuits (mostly found fallen behind the cupboard at times of desperation).

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