Being More than a Mum

Jo Adamson-Parker - 11 Jul 18

NinjaMam has had to do ‘proper work’ and stuff the past couple of weeks. I know! Actual growd up work with expectations and deadlines. Doing thinking and talking to people and getting to use ‘big words’.

It’s been good. I’ve had discussions and conversations and actually been listened to and I didn’t need to raise my voice or repeat myself once!! I’ve debated options and there’s been no tantrums or paddys  but to be fair, as long as I get my way I’m usually alright! I’ve delegated and asked people to do things, and I’ve only had to ask once! There’s been no need to use ‘The Power of Three’ and definitely no ‘Show me hands’!

I’ve been able to wear clothes that I like, knowing that ten minutes later they won’t be covered in drool or smeared with food or worse and if they are then I only had myself to blame.  I got to drink coffee whilst it was still hot and eat without Squeak doing his ‘open mouthed baby bird’ impression at the sight of food.

My bag didn’t contain any nappies, wipes or juice cups though there might have been the odd car and LEGO brick lurking in a dark corner of it and the only toilet issues I’ve had to worry about have been my own.

I’ve been able to walk at a reasonable speed and think about just one thing at a time – well as much as you can do when you’ve got deadlines and things to do. You know what I mean though, to not have to worry about being a referee and negotiator, an entertainer and a caregiver. To not have to consider tiny fragile emotions and grazed knees. To not have to think about therapeutic parenting and Attachment Disorder every second of the day. To just be responsible for myself and only have my needs to think about for a large amount of the day. It was refreshing and freeing and as much as I love my boys, I think I need to do it more often. I think they need me to. I get to be a ‘different Me’ for a while.

I work for myself and when we first adopted I scaled things back so that I could be at home for Bubba. I wanted to be there for him every day like my Mam had been for me. She took me to school, picked me up again and worked her hours around when I needed her. My childhoods filled with memories of her always being there and I wanted to be that for my boys. We’re really lucky that I can, but it still doesn’t mean that some days I need more.

Someone asked me the other day ‘Do you work or are you just a Mum?’ I know what she meant but it grates when people use that phrase – ‘just a Mum’. Being a stay at home Mum or Dad is a massive ‘job’. It’s much harder than the career I had before the boys and I have to say a couple of weeks into having Bubba I got what I later found out was ‘Post Adoption Depression’.

I’d never heard of it, didn’t know it existed and felt really ridiculous. I’d now had what we’d worked hard for years to have, I should have been skipping through meadows with my newly placed little cherub but instead I felt really down and deflated. Hardly surprising really though when you think I’d suddenly gone from a twenty-year career working every day in a pressurised industry to watching Peppa Pig and spending all my day with a lively 18-month-old.

At that time I didn’t have any ‘Mum friends’, I didn’t know anyone with children and whilst The Wife was out at work it was just me and Bubba. It was very different to what I was used to and it was hard adjusting. By the time Squeak turned up, we’d replaced that rude pig with an equally spoilt Bing Bunny but now I had ‘Mum friends’ and a really nice support system. I knew the soft plays centres to avoid and where to find the best baby change. I knew to always carry wipes and that capol was a life saver! I wouldn’t say I’m a pro at it, but I know more than I did back then. These days I like my adventures out with Squeak, less now he’s out of the buggy but even so, we get by and I tend not to lose my mind.

What am I talking about? Of course I still lose my mind but now I know how to find it again and most importantly I don’t beat myself up if I’ve had a challenging day and feel like the worst mother in the world. I’m not and tomorrow is a new day.

This morning I felt like the worst Mum. We had a challenging school run with Bubba, it was filled with no listening, defiance, and attitude and a tinge of worry from him, all the while on the other side of me I had Squeak yelling ‘MummyMummyMummyMummy’ at the top of his voice as I’d not given him attention for over five seconds. So those moments of vulnerability with Bubba get lost in my juggling act. In those moments I feel I’ve failed him but I’m doing the best I can for them both.

As soon as we get into the school yard Squeak falls over and grazes both knees, he’s crying, Bubba has run off because he knows he was supposed to stay with me, he gets more unregulated ends up pushing a friend over, accidentally but he’s knows he’s ‘done wrong’ so he strops off again with his face full of attitude, not listening and running away from me and all the time I’m thinking ‘he is loving, he is caring, he is thoughtful, we will get passed this, we will help him’.

He’s not happy and I got a lot of attitude, resentment. I’m hot, bothered and aching as of course I’d twisted my knee at the weekend and I’m limping better than Long John Silver. I’m also losing my voice, so I can’t really raise my voice, so he’s been doubly ignoring me until I muster, with every inch of Mamness I have, a bellow that even he can’t ignore, neither can the rest of the yard. I hate doing that, I hate having to do that. I look frazzled and out of control in the playground again and that’s not me. I think as parents we need to learn to forgive ourselves when we feel bad, it’s ok, it will be ok.

So I’ve needed my little work interlude. It’s allowed me to remember who I am. I’m a Mam and that’s huge but I’m also so much more.

Jo Adamson-Parker

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