Boys and Dogs. An Owner’s Guide.

Laura Sands - 16 Sep 14

Slugs, snails, puppydog tails… yes we know how the rhyme ends. And as a young girl I would take great delight in my belief at the superiority of the sugar and spice version of things. Boys were yucky, messy, noisy things.

Fast forward three decades, and I’m a mother to two little boys. As their mother I don’t think that they’re particularly yucky, (no comment on noisy or messy), but I do increasingly recognise the truth in the little ditty that I enjoyed so much as a child. The truth is, that I can’t help but notice more than a passing similarity between dogs and small boys.

For the sake of creative hyperbole, I’m going stick to the similarities. Clearly, there are differences (number of legs, amount of fur…) but please indulge me for two short minutes.

Food

Number one rule; make sure there is lots of it. Their overwhelming preference is for biscuit based food, and they will quickly learn the location and sound of the biscuit tin. You can’t tuck into a sneaky custard cream without having a small soul looking up at you begging for one too.

And don’t think that you need to be conventional about using plates & bowls. Food from the floor is just fine. In fact it must taste better, my kids will willingly eat things from the floor in the middle of the morning that they spurned at breakfast. Please note, I do not live in a cesspit, and do normally sweep up after mealtimes.

Fresh air and Exercise

If you want to avoid general naughtiness you MUST take them outside. If you are still inside at 10am, you can expect all manner of bad behaviour. Fighting, whining, drawing on the walls. And don’t use bad weather as an excuse, as you will be the one that loses; you must take them out somewhere.

I remember one particular occasion in a local park, the January wind blowing us sideways and mud sticking to our boots. The boys running on ahead. We met only dog-walkers, and parents with boys varying in age from 2 to 12. Everyone else was snugly (or was that smugly?) at home, still lazing in pyjamas, drawing, playing with dolls, watching Sunday morning TV. Lucky sods.

Sticks

Why spend money on toys? Just give them a stick – the bigger the better. If you give a dog a stick and he will bound after it, chew it and hassle you with it. He’ll be so happy. If you give a lad a stick and he will hit things with it, and pretend he is a ninja/tractor/Luke Sky Walker. He’ll be so happy. Note that gravel, stones, and grass cuttings create a similar response.

Al Fresco Wees

You know the saying about trying to make a horse drink? Well, how about trying to get a boy or dog to wee in a toilet? Take them to an “official” toilet location, and you’ll more than likely get nothing. If you are lucky you will get a tiddle, but it’ll be so minute that you’ll debate the need to flush the toilet.

Then leave the house.

5 minutes after joining the motorway, or 15 minutes into your shopping trip and they will be desperate. And fresh air seems only to increases the urge further. A tree, a river, a carpark, a beach, and they will without doubt, be confronted with a desperate urge to wee. Which, they are more than happy to do outside, of course.

Bathtime

My boys loved the bath when they were babies. Now it is a battle of cunning and guile. Whether it is a dog or a boy, they sit / stand there patiently, with a look of resigned misery while you wash them, making multiple attempts to leave the tub of doom. Eventually the time to get out comes around, and they’re happier than Mo Farah winning the 5000m at 2012. The mundane inevitability of the situation has no impact on them – they are routinely overjoyed.

OK, there’s a terrible amount of stereotyping going on in those few hundred words. And for every boy that doesn’t play with sticks, there is a girl who will happily survive on chocolate bourbons and Cheerios from the kitchen floor.

Perhaps it’s just my boys. What do you think?

Laura Sands

Laura Sands is a freelance writer and blogger. She lives in Godalming, Surrey with a Yorkshireman (her husband), two sons - Hugo (4) and George (2) as well as a rather grumpy cat. She enjoys a spot of blogging, and is happiest surrounded by good food, good friends, family and fresh air.

View profile for posts, events and more info