But He Looks Normal

Jo Adamson-Parker - 14 Apr 18

There seems to have been a lot of talk on social media this week about Attachment Disorder and its made me realise that I mention it a lot talking about Bubba but unless your lives are touched by it, you might not know anything about the condition. It took me a while to get my head round it, and I don’t think anything in our adoption training actually fully prepared us for it. Looking back though we were so blaise and green.

We did the prep group and the talks and the workshops. We were introduced to FASD, ADHD, AD, trauma etc but I still sat there thinking ‘well we’ve not specified we want a child with additional needs, so we won’t get one. Ours will be fine, he’ll be ‘normal’’. And I’d like to stress that I love Bubba unconditionally and wouldn’t change him for the world. To me he’s amazing and has taught me so much in the six years since he arrived and I’m a completely different person because of him. He is my life but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

When Bubba came to us, his transition from his Foster Carers to us was incredibly smooth, hitch free. We spent two weeks getting to know him and his routine and then he was there. He was in his room asleep for his first night in his new home. That first night he slept through and has done pretty much every night since. He never cried, he didn’t seem to miss his foster carers, who are lovely people and will always be in our lives. They’re our family now. He just moved in seamlessly and got on with it. He wasn’t even two years old yet.

We thought we were lucky. His moving in had been so easy but looking back now especially after seeing how Squeak grieved for his foster carers we know something was off at the start with Bubba. It was all too easy, he came to us far too easily. I wish I’d known then half the stuff I now know on attachment and trauma.

So, what is AD? Well I’m not an expert on it and I’m not a healthcare professional so this is just coming from my own experiences and understanding. This is what I’ve learnt. This is what it means for our son ..

When people ask me what AD is I pull out the quick response – ‘it can sometimes present like Autism’. People ‘known’ Autism, they get it – the difficulty to connect, the aversion to looking you in the eyes, the emotional detachment, dislike of being touched – that’s a minefield the last one. Bubba is the most tactile creature ever, with me, and we’re constantly touching, hugging, he sits on me a lot but if he’s upset or in a meltdown – BACK OFF, no touching, no crowding. I’ve learnt that the hard way.

Bubba loves us, but the attachment isn’t a healthy one. You know how your little one might wander off ahead of you but constantly look over their shoulder to check you’re still there, you’re following? He’s never done that. Squeak does it, he doesn’t wait for you as he’s too excited at being free, but he looks to make sure you’re still there. Bubba doesn’t look back. In a room or playground he won’t seek me out like your child might. He doesn’t need that reassurance and actually if another family takes his fancy he’ll go with them over us. We constantly have to remind him that he’s ‘with us’. Soft play, playgrounds, beaches are all a nightmare as he’ll see a Mum/Dad having fun with their child and he’ll join in, he’ll start the rough and tumble with a strange adult. He doesn’t have appropriate boundaries.

He’ll talk to anyone. My authority usually disappears when another adult is present, even if it’s a stranger he will always defer to them rather than me. It’s a special feeling that that one gives you!
So, kids with AD have difficulty building meaningful relationships. With Bubba he was conditioned to be self-reliant, so he doesn’t need anyone which brings me to mention the control issues. I find these hard to live with sometimes. He’s always right, he can be defensive, controlling. Pain in the …. Because there’s no reasoning with him.

He has a need to control things, his environment, his peers, strangers, me and The Wife, Squeak, but then when you consider that he’s usually in a state of high anxiety and feeling unsafe, you can understand his need for control. He has to keep himself safe. He’s very literal so if he’s playing with other children and one says, ‘I’m going to chop your head off’, he totally believes it. Even a game of football can turn sinister as he’s been chased so he thinks they ‘want to get him’. It’s really sad but Bubba is lucky as he has some amazing friends and they ‘get him’ and know what he needs.

Being in the playground is a minefield in itself though as the noise, the running around, it’s all too much for him, sensory issues kick in and he can become unregulated very quickly. The anxiety will increase and he could lash out. Again, he has amazing friends and even more important is the incredibly understanding parents. He’s not a bully, he doesn’t do things maliciously, he reacts instantly because sometimes he feels he’s fighting for his life.

Changes in routine and transitions are massive and have to be handled carefully, he needs to be fully informed on changes as disruptions heightens his feelings of not being safe. If his teacher is off ill and he’s got a supply teacher in, we need to prepare him. Or if his favourite class that day is cancelled, we need to prep him. It’s not as simple as a kid being disappointed, one small change like his teacher being away can ruin the entire day, he might be anxious, unfocused, unregulated, and disruptive. He might lash out due to the increase in anxiety. We just know these are not good days.

Loss. Massive! Massive for any adopted child I think but with Bubba it’s a big one, even down to losing some Lego or a sudden cancelled event. Sometimes people will look at me and I know what they’re thinking – like the time we had to replace the washing machine and his favourite blanket was locked inside the broken washer being taken away. The delivery guy was great, he wrenched the door off when I wasn’t able to and we saved the blanket, but people think he’s spoilt when something like this happens. He was devastated when I bought a new car as he’d miss the old one – that took a lot of talking through! Playing games is massively tricky due to losing – And he’s not just being spoilt, he just feels any sort of loss acutely.

I think partner to the loss is ‘shame’. This makes disciplining interesting! Seeing your child enter shame is just heart breaking and he can get there instantly. If he’s done something he shouldn’t or feels he’s being judged or whilst disciplining him his face will shut down and I know he’s there. He’s feeling the unbearable weight of shame.

We’ve really had to explore parenting styles, therapeutic ones, try different things and find what works for us. And again, I sometimes think that when people see us reacting to Bubba’s actions and not disciplining him maybe how they would, they feel we have no control or he’s spoilt. He’s not and just because we have to do things differently doesn’t mean we don’t know what we’re doing. We know our son and at the moment what’s working for him and for us.

We’ve had people ask if ‘there’s a cure’. There’s not but we can help him learn to manage his emotions, learn he can rely on us, learn to feel safe. But it’s slow going and can take years of therapy and I’m currently three years into a battle to get him the support he needs.
So that’s a glimpse into our life and living with AD. You might be reading this and have a different experience of it, I’d be interested in hearing your take on it, how it is for you. I hope my writings and ramblings can help someone, give them what I was looking for when our lives changed, and AD came calling.

This week it’s been the second of the Easter break and we’ve had a really boring week and it’s been brilliant!! I feel slightly bad that Bubba’ll go back to school and his friends have been to the seaside, themes parks, the cinema etc and his highlights will have been ‘Watching Mummy drag herself out of a window display, ‘ ‘seeing his brother have his pre-school jabs’ or ‘going to the butchers’, to be fair, he does really enjoy going to the butchers, wasn’t too keen on the jabs though but he got a sticker too!

Normally I’ll fill a school break with nice things, I might even make a visual schedule with my best felt tips and stick it on the fridge, but this Easter break The Wife’s delighted as she thinks I’ve finally listened to her.

Last week I hadn’t gotten with the programme and I was still trying to be entertaining WonderMam, and it was all a bit horrible. Bubba was unregulated for a lot of it, the white noise chatter was slowly driving me insane and the punching was back. This week I’ve kept everything really small, no grand gestures and it’s been really nice. We’ve had quality time doing mundane, everyday stuff and its been nice. I feel calm this week, well when I’m not throwing myself into shop windows that is.

But it’s hard isn’t it? I love my boys, so I want to do nice things for them, I want to spoil them with treats and days out and fun but with Bubba that’s not necessarily the way to ‘treat him’. But if I can give him memories to look back on a childhood where I’m with him, of being solid and present that’ll do for me.

If you want to read more rantings you can find NinjaMam and her boys at  https://ninjamam.wordpress.com/

Jo Adamson-Parker

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