Celebrating The Last Cupcake

Jo Adamson-Parker - 6 Aug 18

Well that went better than we thought it would. Yesterday Bubba was invited to a school friends party and parties are always a double-edged sword.

Yes, Bubba has his challenges, and yes he gets unregulated and can be unpredictable and those that don’t know his background probably still think he’s being ‘naughty’ and badly behaved. Some of his classmates will have been on the receiving end of his frustration, they’ll have had a punch or seen him meltdown, but The Wife and I want him to have as ‘normal’ a childhood as we can and that includes going to parties.

Like any parent, you feel it when your child’s excluded and no-more so than when they’re not invited to parties. I have to say we’ve been really lucky, and Bubba’s been invited to a fair number. I’m always grateful (and a bit excited myself) when I find an colourful invite in the bottom of his bag!  Each one’s important and shows the generosity of other parents, their open-mindedness and support for Bubba.  From them and their kids.

But each party holds the exciting unknown for Bubba. They’re about a change in routine, new places, noise, chaos, the unexpected and very often mountains of sugar!  To a child with Attachment Disorder that means fun and anxiety and quite often a meltdown as it’s all too much for them. He’ll be so excited to go but for the few hours beforehand he could be unregulated, he won’t be listening, there could be attitude. He’ll be horrible and he’ll be all over the place.

And we’ll feel our stress because we’ll deal with the awful build up which we know is always coming and it’s not his ‘fault’, not until he learns to manage his emotions. And we want him to go, to have fun with his friends, he deserves to and I love watching him with them.  But being out in public with all the elements that can unregulate him? To see him unregulated and sometimes get so past himself that he’s upset and exhausted? It’s stressful and we’ll need a couple of gins once we get home and decompress him!

We can never ‘drop and leave’ like the other Mums and Dads. We can’t go for a coffee or have the luxury of a look round the shops for a couple of hours enjoying child free time as there’s so much to consider – Bubba’s sensory issues, the environment, the noise, the food, would he get orange juice by mistake and run around like a whirling Catherine wheel? We first realised he had food intolerances after his first and last Calippo! Never seen anything like it, it was like he was high!

If we stay we can spot the early warning signs. Sometimes I think I must look like an overbearing, smothering mother, always hovering, always on alert but you know your child and you learn to spot the signs. We know how to prevent incidents, how to calm him down, how to ground him or worst case scenario, when to leave early. Usually we get to venues early so that the party can grow around him which helps his sensory issues, but you can’t always do that.

The last party he went to was at a trampoline park – when did all these themed parties appear? I remember being at primary school and you thought it was a posh one if you were offered the choice between two different kinds of jelly! Back then there were no bouncy castles, trampolines or glitter parties. No minibeasts, and I would never have had a clown anyways – all very creepy and sinister.

So he spent 90 minutes on various trampolines and bouncy type things and got very hot and sweaty, (he sweats A LOT, and VERY easily). He was one of only three boys there, amongst a dozen girls and he loved it, played beautifully, but he always does play lovely with girls. I know he’ll have had a good day at school if he’s spent his playtimes with girls. They play ‘families’ and he’ll be ‘the cat’ – he’s in his element. Actually I don’t think it would be a bad idea to send him to an all-girls school! I’ve also heard a lot of talk from professionals about the benefits of trampolines for kids with AD or ADHD, so bouncing is good!

So yesterday morning he had the attitude, he wasn’t listening, he was defensive. All the signs that he’s anxious so you fear the worse but actually once we got to there it could have been a lot worse.  He was alright actually! I think it helped a lot that it was a ‘cooking party’ so he had stuff to do and ultimately food to eat! He ended up making a great pizza to take home so bonus result for us – we didn’t need to feed him later!

But there were moments of over-excitement like when I had to stand with him to ensure a wooden spoon was used to spread sauce and not as a weapon or a drumstick! Who would have thought rolling out some pizza dough would be so unregulating? The act of beating the dough got him more and more excited and there was a bit of flapping and a few whoops and yells came out.

Luckily it was a noisy room, so we were covered, and I could ground him by pressing down on his shoulders and stroking his back, drawing shapes on it. This usually works to soothe him and bring him back down. As long as he’s not resisting that is because, oh yes, there are those times when he doesn’t want to be regulated, he wants to have fun.

He also thinks its funny at the moment too to try and sneak orange juice when he’s a party! You remember what happens with Orange colouring? The ‘Calippo Moment’? So I had a few instances of denying the squash and diverting him to the blackcurrant! Dialling back the amount of ketchup on his pizza base otherwise he’d be wired for the rest of the day, refereeing a case of nudging elbows and balloon fighting. I just feel like a killjoy sometimes but what’s the alternative? He eats and drinks what he wants, does what he likes and becomes so unregulated that he’s practically running up walls, spoiling everything? So I’ll keep on looking like ‘the spoiler of all joy’ because that’s what I have to do to ensure he does have a good time, him and his friends.

I think he’s come a long way in these past couple of years and hopefully we can keep the momentum going and he’ll learn to manage his regulation himself as he gets older. People say ‘So, this attachment thing, can it be  cured then?’ and I have to say ‘No, No it can’t be cured.’

It’ll always be there, it’s part of who he is and we have to support him and give him the skills to manage it so he can have a good life. So that he can build relationships, hold down a job, have a family and be happy.

So yesterday, actually, it was a really good day. Thank you to a particular good friend and her very special family. We did ok. It showed how far he’d come from the first party I took him to when he was in reception and the over excitement was all too much and the meltdown meant we had to leave early.

Yesterday we didn’t have to go until the last cupcake had been iced!

Jo Adamson-Parker

View profile for posts, events and more info