View as: GRID
LIST 
Children’s Parties ~ The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly
The venue might change, but ultimately every kids birthday party I’ve ever thrown has been a fairly fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants venture. I am always in awe of Mums whose kid’s parties are pulled off with any degree of finesse or organisation.
My kids have been invited to all sorts of parties over the years. And, at least whilst they’re still relatively little, that means that muggins here has also had to forfeit many a lazy weekend afternoon eating crisps on the sofa in order
I am not a fan.
…Here is my take on the 6 types of party your child will encounter, ranked and scored from the perspective of the attending parent:-
1.) The Mahoosive Mega-Party
Usually held in some kind of sports hall or leisure centre, these are usually held in enormous cavernous spaces the size of Kent, with a volume of attendees to rival to it’s population. Upon arriving with your child, he takes off at speed, throwing his shoes off whilst charging hell-for-leather towards the ball bit.
You quietly wonder how the
Half a mile away, at the other end of the room, you spot the rest of the parents milling around in front of a heavily laden trestle table piled high with party food. This is where you will spend the next two hours having conversations in various degrees of awkwardness, and trying not to absentmindedly scoff all the hula hoops before the kids sit down to eat.
Pros:
Your child will be thoroughly engrossed in playing on the numerous facilities for
Cons:
The sheer scale of these parties may make your child less easy to spot, which means there is an increased likelihood of them causing a minor misdemeanour on the play matts, or getting trampled on the bouncy castle without you noticing.
Mum rating: 7/10
Watch out for:
Forgetting to check your child’s shoes, and accidentally taking them home wearing one of someone else’s trainers.
2.) The Themed Party
These are usually
Your kid will likely become fully immersed in the superhero / disney princess / pirates & mermaids experience and spend the next 6 weeks telling you about the fifteen different types of party theme they’re going to have for their birthday party in 8 months time.
Pros:
For at least the first
Cons:
You have to sort out their costume, which you will no doubt have forgotten about until the night before, and spend a slightly fraught morning rifling through your dressing up box trying to put together something that vaguely resembles an outfit that fits the theme of the day.
Mum rating: 6/10
Watch out for:
Boisterous, over excited and over-sugared boys competitively demonstrating their
3.) The Traditional Kids Party At Home:
When I was a kid all the parties we had or went to were at the homes of the birthday Boy or Girl in question. Everyone dressed up in their party dress, played a few games and had a birthday tea culminating in cake, the ceremonial dishing out of party bags (cake, balloon, one or two knick-knacks) and then a swift exit.
These days, I get the distinct impression that this option is somehow seen as low-key, and there’s a sort of pressure to make the
If anything it’s more of a mammoth task to entertain a hoard of running, jumping, screaming children in your own house for 2 hours without resorting to your shoutiest Mumasaurus Rex roar in order to tame them into submission.
Plus it requires order and control to manage a series of party games without being reduced to a gibbering wreck. In fact, because of these factors I’m going to divide the at-home party into two subsections as follows:-
Type A:
Pros:
You are astonished to find that all the children (including your own) are immaculately behaved, as they are being skilfully cajoled and directed from one party game to the next.
Cons:
You’re also likely to leave feeling slightly inferior / dumbfounded at the Mum-skill levels / embarrassed that the Mum hosting the party came to your chaotic shitshow of a party a couple of months back and will remember how rubbish you were by comparison.
Mum rating: 5/10
Watch out for:
Trying to compensate for your own social
Type B: Raucous Chaos
Pros:
The kids are allowed to run riot and the house is awash with fizzy drinks and trodden-on crisps. You feel right at home. Plus, raucous chaos Mum offers wine.
Cons:
Noise levels reach defcon 5. You will likely leave with a headache, and possibly a hangover.
Mum rating: 9/10
Watch out for:
Getting a bit tipsy and forgetting you’ve
4.) The Party That’s Also a Specific Activity / Treat:
Pretty impressive. These types of party are definitely orchestrated by a Mum who has got serious game (and possibly a platinum credit card) when it comes to party-sorting skills. These can take a wide range of forms, from Lazer Quest to Fairy Beauty Parties, and from Pony Parties to Exotic Animal Parties.
Pros:
Your children will be utterly awestruck at the fact
Cons:
There is also a possibility (especially if the party is taking place at a farm or public leisure space) which means that you not only have to go, but also hang around for hours whilst your child does whatever the thing is that the party is themed around, and you
Mum rating: 10/10 or 4/10
(Depending on whether you drop them off or not.)
Watch out for:
”But Mummy, WHY can’t I have a princess mermaid pamper party? Pleeeeease!!!…”
And Repeat, ad infinitum, until you’re ready to tear your own ears off in protest.
5.) The Soft Play Party
A low maintenance catch-all party solution. Just unleash the kids for 90 minutes, call them back for a birthday tea, blow out the candles and dole out the party bags.
Pros:
The kids entertain themselves – it’s basically like a rainy day outing but with a load of their mates. With a bit of luck they sell coffee there and you know one or two of the other Mums from school pick up so you can sit and natter until it’s time to scoop them up and take them home.
Cons:
Soft Play venues are like giant petrie dishes for colds and tummy bugs. By accepting this invite you have basically enrolled your child in a game of paediatric bacterial infection bingo.
There will be consequences.
Mum rating: 6.5/10
Watch
That enormous kid guarding the top of the curly slide slyly pushing other kids down head first when he thinks his Dad’s not looking.
6.) The Party For Really Little Kids (0-3’s)
When I first became a Mum, and knew a lot of other new Mums, there were a fair few parties held for very small children.
Now, I may be a horrible mother, but in each case I wondered… Why the hell they would want to hold these parties for their little floor-blob of a child, who had zero concept of what was going on, and would probably spend the
Nowadays I still think these parties were pointless, but the benefit of hindsight casts a fairly rosy glow over their attributes (See: Pros).
Pros:
These are basically parties for the parents under the guise of being kids parties aren’t they? Newly Mummed women organise them to pat themselves on the back for keeping their tiny human alive for a whole year or so.
They throw a party. Everyone can come because they can bring their own
Cons:
Sadly these happen less with subsequent children (let’s face it, it wouldn’t be such a doddle with a demanding 5 year old in tow, saying she was bored and moaning that the sandwiches were too bready) so there is a fairly narrow window for this particular party type.
Mum rating: 10/10
Watch Out For:
Getting a bit
Party on, Motherlovers,
Kate xx
~~~
How did I do?… Did you like this post? You might like some of my other blogs too then, this one might be right up your street.
While you’re at it, if you like funny stuff and enjoy a good meme, come and join my lovely Facebook group, and I’ve also got a lovely Facebook page full of funny and interesting stuff
Oh, and if you want something a bit more visual you could visit my Instagram, or come see me on Pinterest for loads of hints, tips and hacks on all things Mum Life.
