Coping with school age tantrums and the ‘Spirited Child’

Penny Bull - 21 May 18

Dylan turns 5 next month, but sometimes it feels as though we are still in the ‘terrible two’s’ phase. The other day he had a total meltdown just as we were about to leave for school because I had cut his lunchbox sandwiches into triangles instead of squares (the same triangles he had been given every day since he started eating sandwiches). I’ve lost count of the times we have had a 30 minute stand-off over something silly like a refusal to say ‘please’ for something, or whether or not he can leave the house without his trousers on. He cried for 20 minutes the other day because he insisted that he couldn’t see his drink. It was right in front of him (and this was pointed out to him several times).

So, in googling the term ‘school age tantrums’, I begin to wonder whether I have one of these beings they describe as a spirited child. My other son has his moments, but is generally a pretty chilled out and easy-going type of kid, so this makes Dylan’s little episodes seem unusual. Or did we just strike it lucky with Jackson, and Dylan is the more ‘normal’ one?

But what is a spirited child?

Spirited, or strong-willed children are defined as having some or all of the following attributes:

• Being very goal-oriented. They know what they want and, once they have set their mind on something, will be very determined and persistent until they get it.
• They experience emotion very intensely, which often leads to tantrums.
• They are very sensitive and can easily be overwhelmed in highly stimulating environments or crowded places.
• They find transition periods hard and suffer from separation anxiety. They are often labelled as ‘clingy’.
• They have irregular feeding or sleeping patterns, making it hard to establish a routine.
• They are incredibly active, leaving parents struggling to keep up.
• They are perceptive, often noticing tiny details that most adults would miss.

Do any of the above sound familiar to you? I can tick at least 5 out of 7.

As frustrating as his behaviour can be at times, it’s important to remember the upsides of your child’s personality too. Intense emotions mean that there are many highs as well as lows; Dylan is incredibly loving and happy most of the time and a natural comedian, making him a real pleasure to be around. The next time I find myself cursing his bossy, defiant behaviour, I must remember to bear in mind that independence, determination and perseverance are all positive qualities in an adult. I could well be raising a future world leader, or at the least a self-motivated teen who doesn’t bow to peer pressure easily!

Coping with tantrums and difficult behaviour

Let’s be clear. Dealing with daily meltdowns and meeting resistance at every turn is the definition of frustration. Some days you will lose your rag, some days you will calmly weather the storm with teeth gritted, some days you will just laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. It’s hard to know what you’re supposed to do. Punish? Cuddle? Ignore? I usually go through all three of these, in varying orders, and have never found a magic formula that works.

If I’m honest, punishment seems to be futile in these situations. Making threats or sending him to his room just seems to escalate the situation and I invariably end up in a wrestling match with a completely hysterical child. Ignoring him isn’t an option as the minute I try to walk away he clings to me, yanking my clothes and wiping snot all over me in the process. It’s worth noting too that all the advice online suggests that becoming locked in a power struggle with them will actually do more harm than good.  Control is what they crave, and your attempt to ‘break their will’ could have lasting, damaging effects.

So what are the ways I can diffuse or avoid a meltdown? I asked the internet, which yielded the following tips:

• It’s way easier said than done, but keep calm and refuse to be drawn into an argument with them. Tactics for keeping calm include speaking softly, deep breathing, distraction “(look, a cat!”), thinking out what you are going to say before you speak, or locking yourself in the bathroom with biscuits. If you do lose the plot (and you inevitably will at some point), apologise and admit that you made a mistake.
• Plan ahead. Be aware of potential triggers and try to avoid them/distract from them to help nip things in the bud before they escalate. Or if they can’t be avoided, explain what is about to happen and give warnings, e.g. “we’re going to turn off the iPad in 5 minutes”.
• Offer them a choice to make them feel as though they have a degree of control. Do they want to brush their own teeth, or should you do it? Do they want X, Y or Z or should you choose for them? Providing them with options to choose from not only teaches them negotiating skills and that there is more than one way to solve a problem. It also builds their self-esteem and gets them to do what you want without compromising their integrity.
• Could the problem be that they are hungry or thirsty? To avoid waiting until it’s too late, try to make sure they are getting some protein at mealtimes and have snacks on hand for car journeys, when they get home from school, etc.
• Give them an explanation of why you need them to do the thing you are asking, the more detailed the better usually! Explain rules and boundaries are there to keep them safe and well looked after.
• Find ways to give them some control – do they want to push the button on the car remote/turn taps on and off, etc?
• Teach your kids to respect you rather than be scared of you. Listen to them, connect with them and focus on creating a positive environment rather than being ‘in charge’.
• Definitely don’t worry about what other people think – everyone parents differently and everyone’s children have different needs
• If your child is especially active, make sure you give them a chance to burn off some of that energy in the garden or at the park.
• Take time to chat and reconnect when they are in the right mood. If anything specific does happen to be bothering them they will be more inclined to tell you.
• Let them make mistakes and learn the hard way sometimes.
• It’s probably the last thing you feel like doing after enduring a 20 minute battle to leave the house, but make sure you praise them and let them know you are proud when they finally do the right thing. This last one I will really have to work on as I don’t think I ever do this!

I have spent the last week trying to implement as many of these things as possible. Keeping calm in the face of whingey, whiney-ness is so hard but definitely worth the effort. I now realise my attempts to shout Dylan into submission were the most pointless tactics I could have used, doing nothing but adding fuel to the fire.

What are your views on raising a strong-willed little human? Do you have any advice on dealing with tantrums in older children? And do you think their stubborn personalities will be helpful to them in the future? Let me know in the comments!

Penny Bull

Mum to 2 boys and a husky. Spends days writing and worrying about health, the world in general and skills as a parent. Started blogging to regain sanity(hasn't happened yet).

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