Dear Pregnant Mamas….Cut Out The Language.

Emma Culley-Morgan - 18 Jan 18

“They will only let me go ten days over” said a heavily pregnant, exhausted looking mama to me in Costa.

Oh…….she did………she said it….(sigh).

This is a phrase I hear time and time again and I bet you do too. Other Wonderful (can you sense my sarcasm?) varietals include “I’m not allowed”, “They won’t let me”, “I have to have..”, and the the powerless phrase that beats all powerless phrases…”what will be, will be” (double sigh).

It’s an insidious disease. It’s infectious, spreading fast and its results are catastrophic. As a feminist birth coach my toes curl when I hear any one of these for these statements are a symbol of the patriarchal strangle-hold on pregnant women. But the thing is, we can’t just blame dominating males in positions of power for this…we are playing the game. For the most part, we play along, we use this language of disempowerment about ourselves and other women because of habit………errrrrr…… or maybe because it actually suits us to do so.

Think about it. If you believe you don’t have a choice about how you birth your baby then it makes things, in some respect, a lot simpler for you….only one path to take and no responsibility to be taken if things don’t go to plan, because, after all, you didn’t choose it right? It was forced upon you?

Let me just clarify……YES, sometimes specific circumstances exist that might warrant a different, more medicalised approach. But whether induction, augmentation, c- section, continuous fetal monitoring, delivery ward setting etc. etc. is being advised…that’s exactly what it is…advice. (although unethically it may be presented to you as if you have no choice in the matter). Let’s be clear here, the person making the choice of whether to accept the advice or not and what EXACTLY to do with the advice is YOU. It’s always you. To buy in to the idea that it isn’t your choice to make, that you have no role to play in how you birth, that you are powerless, not only does a massive injustice to yourself as an autonomous, strong woman (hello! You are growing a frickin’ human for crying out loud…if that’s not power, what the heck is?) but an injustice to women everywhere…..yes…I said it.

This is not about accepting advice or not. This is about actively making your decision from a place of knowledge, whatever that decision is. Are you doing that? Or are you throwing your hands in the air and handing your responsibility over to others?

How many times have you heard: “I have to have a c-section”? How many times have you heard :”I’ve chosen that a c-section is the right path for me after listening to advice and reading the research”? Or something along the lines of: “I’ve decided a c-section is best but I am going to ask for my favourite music to be played and for the drape to be lowered so I can see my baby being born”? Or even “They have advised a C-section but I don’t believe it is best option so I’m looking into the research”. There is always choice and there is always choice within choice.

I get it. I do. Its fucking scary to truly take responsibility over something so important but it is necessary. Too many women, every single day, feel powerless in pregnancy and birth and this affects so much. Too many women are distraught after a birth where choice felt removed, leaving them feeling passive, invisible, ruined. TOO MANY WOMEN.

Let me ask you this: What kind of role model do you want to be for the child you are growing? Do you want your child as they grow and take on this epic world to believe they are powerless in any situation? (regardless of whether you are growing a boy or girl with your awesome super powers). That they simply don’t have a choice? Or they must follow a path they may feel uneasy with because others are steering them that way? Or do you want them to ASK QUESTIONS? To LISTEN TO THEIR INSTINCTS? To get the information and make strong, empowered decisions about their lives because that is what you do?

So you awesome maker of humans….

Lead by example.

Cut out the language.

Don’t buy into it.

OWN YOUR POWER.

Emma Culley-Morgan

Positive birth coach, founder of Awesome Mama Antenatal, feminist, rebel, believer in the sheer awesomeness of females.

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