1
Power to the people
They are back…they are hungry for power and they are blind sodding drunk on Christmas control!!
That’s right people, the PTA have risen like phoenix nights from the fag ashes after a post Halloween snooze and lady they are baying for your participation, for your commitment and most importantly, for your participation.
-“What do you mean you work full time Sandra? What about the christingle?’ Huffs, Amanda Cartwright – Jones, Chairman & majority shareholder of the PTA.
Sandra, CEO at Goldman
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Sacs, throws a massive whitey, squeezes her pelvic floor nervously and begins to stutter and over promise through fear & retribution.
– “Err, well I guess I could come in at 4.30am before my international conference call with Asia… help you set up the folding tables if you think it’s essential?
-“Its vital Sandra, it’s all hands on deck. Shall I put you down for the tombola as well? Oh and make sure you sign the petition against Miss Valentine? Can you believe she gave the reception kids only one reading book this
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week, we need her out! See you later darling. Gorgeous coat by the way, matches your hair!”
-“Oh err thank you, its urmm dove… grey”
If you can’t beat them then do not, I repeat, do not join them…unless you have giant balls, the skin of a rhinoceros (encased tightly and sac like around said balls) and an up to date excel spread sheet. Otherwise, they will annihilate you with one single jab of the clipboard.
Beware Kim Jong disguised in a no nonsense fleece jacket and with her finger hovering dangerously over the
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command “C” button. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Exterminate!
I made the ghastly mistake of helping out at the school disco recently, which rather impressively was run like a full blown global operation. Smiling assassins under the guise of “parent helpers” at every docking station & looking like Theresa May on crack. The rules are then read out assertively from the itinery:
-“No swearing, no heavy petting, no fun” commands the PTA chairwoman
-“Is that us or the kids?” One innocent newbie
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enquires
Then it’s a panicked, collective ‘mum run” back over to the staff room for more expert delegation;
“More blackcurrant squash NOW you dumb fuck,” Commander 1 barks across enemy lines.
“NOOOOO Sandra, slice the grapes lengthways for fucks sake woman, GO, GO, GO!! Sheila… BACK TO BASE… ice pops NOW…Roger, over”
Thankfully it all came to an abrupt and unsatisfying climax when fun Bobby on bread rolls broke loose and pulled the plug on spotify after taking umbrage with Lil Wayne asking to be
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chained down.
To be fair, the tunes were a little less hard-core at my old school disco if memory serves. The raciest it ever got was Colin Cockburn, year 9 grinding somewhat enthusiastically to “I licky boom boom down”. It’s a cult classic now and with a rather sweet sentiment too. I mean who doesn’t like their…anyway, that is not the point. The point is in fact that us Mum’s need to step away from the parent helicopter, chopper’s down and breathe.
I breathed in particularly hard this morning in fact (right on the edge of
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7
my exhaust pipe) when the highly fragrant class rep stroked my arm sweetly before apologetically informing me that my name would not be included on Miss Valentine’s Christmas card and gift this year, due to my failure to get the £3.50 to her by last Friday, end of play.
– “Hey, let me give it to you now” I slur, exhaling premium diesel.
– “Sorry lovely, it’s far too late now, we had to seal the envelope angel ” she purrs sweetly
– “But…it’s only November” I bleat pathetically
–
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“Yes but deadlines are there for a reason Hun. Must dash, hope little Barney is more settled, did you get him tested in the end??…. Lovely, spirited little thing. Byeee”
– “Whaaaaa? Tested?”
So it is with humungous surprise when I receive my invite for the class mum’s Christmas drinks next week.
“Ladies, meeting 8 – 10pm for drinks and nibs. Trisha will bring the left over blackcurrant squash to divvy up as most people driving…it is a school night after all. Should be fun!!”
I
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breathe on the pipe and quickly type back…
– “Jeeze, I’d love to but I’ve got tickets to see Lil Wayne in Brixton Hun”
COMMAND “C”
Lou Finch
41 3/4
Xxx
• Please note that all characters are purely fictional 😉
• Remember, a Style Philosophy gift voucher is the perfect teacher gift – 30 children, £10 each and a wonderful personal shopping experience!
louise@stylephilosophy.co.uk – personal shopping & wardrobe editing
Instagram – stylephilosophybylou
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Louise Finch - 30 Nov 17
Power to the people
They are back…they are hungry for power and they are blind sodding drunk on Christmas control!!
That’s right people, the PTA have risen like phoenix nights from the fag ashes after a post Halloween snooze and lady they are baying for your participation, for your commitment and most importantly, for your participation.
-“What do you mean you work full time Sandra? What about the christingle?’ Huffs, Amanda Cartwright – Jones, Chairman & majority shareholder of the PTA.
Sandra, CEO at Goldman Sacs, throws a massive whitey, squeezes her pelvic floor nervously and begins to stutter and over promise through fear & retribution.
– “Err, well I guess I could come in at 4.30am before my international conference call with Asia… help you set up the folding tables if you think it’s essential?
-“Its vital Sandra, it’s all hands on deck. Shall I put you down for the tombola as well? Oh and make sure you sign the petition against Miss Valentine? Can you believe she gave the reception kids only one reading book this week, we need her out! See you later darling. Gorgeous coat by the way, matches your hair!”
-“Oh err thank you, its urmm dove… grey”
If you can’t beat them then do not, I repeat, do not join them…unless you have giant balls, the skin of a rhinoceros (encased tightly and sac like around said balls) and an up to date excel spread sheet. Otherwise, they will annihilate you with one single jab of the clipboard.
Beware Kim Jong disguised in a no nonsense fleece jacket and with her finger hovering dangerously over the command “C” button. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Exterminate!
I made the ghastly mistake of helping out at the school disco recently, which rather impressively was run like a full blown global operation. Smiling assassins under the guise of “parent helpers” at every docking station & looking like Theresa May on crack. The rules are then read out assertively from the itinery:
-“No swearing, no heavy petting, no fun” commands the PTA chairwoman
-“Is that us or the kids?” One innocent newbie enquires
Then it’s a panicked, collective ‘mum run” back over to the staff room for more expert delegation;
“More blackcurrant squash NOW you dumb fuck,” Commander 1 barks across enemy lines.
“NOOOOO Sandra, slice the grapes lengthways for fucks sake woman, GO, GO, GO!! Sheila… BACK TO BASE… ice pops NOW…Roger, over”
Thankfully it all came to an abrupt and unsatisfying climax when fun Bobby on bread rolls broke loose and pulled the plug on spotify after taking umbrage with Lil Wayne asking to be chained down.
To be fair, the tunes were a little less hard-core at my old school disco if memory serves. The raciest it ever got was Colin Cockburn, year 9 grinding somewhat enthusiastically to “I licky boom boom down”. It’s a cult classic now and with a rather sweet sentiment too. I mean who doesn’t like their…anyway, that is not the point. The point is in fact that us Mum’s need to step away from the parent helicopter, chopper’s down and breathe.
I breathed in particularly hard this morning in fact (right on the edge of my exhaust pipe) when the highly fragrant class rep stroked my arm sweetly before apologetically informing me that my name would not be included on Miss Valentine’s Christmas card and gift this year, due to my failure to get the £3.50 to her by last Friday, end of play.
– “Hey, let me give it to you now” I slur, exhaling premium diesel.
– “Sorry lovely, it’s far too late now, we had to seal the envelope angel ” she purrs sweetly
– “But…it’s only November” I bleat pathetically
– “Yes but deadlines are there for a reason Hun. Must dash, hope little Barney is more settled, did you get him tested in the end??…. Lovely, spirited little thing. Byeee”
– “Whaaaaa? Tested?”
So it is with humungous surprise when I receive my invite for the class mum’s Christmas drinks next week.
“Ladies, meeting 8 – 10pm for drinks and nibs. Trisha will bring the left over blackcurrant squash to divvy up as most people driving…it is a school night after all. Should be fun!!”
I breathe on the pipe and quickly type back…
– “Jeeze, I’d love to but I’ve got tickets to see Lil Wayne in Brixton Hun”
COMMAND “C”
Lou Finch
41 3/4
Xxx
• Please note that all characters are purely fictional 😉
• Remember, a Style Philosophy gift voucher is the perfect teacher gift – 30 children, £10 each and a wonderful personal shopping experience!
louise@stylephilosophy.co.uk – personal shopping & wardrobe editing
Instagram – stylephilosophybylou
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I am a 42 year old mummy of two boys ( 12 & 7)
I used to be a Booker with Elite Models but set up my own business 'style philosophy' - personal shopping & styling to fit around my youngest little boy who has cystic fibrosis.
I have started climbing mountains like a crazy woman to raise money to support CF to help my little man who climbs his own mountain daily.
Currently I am lecturing at The London College of Style and began writing a comedy blog about 9mths ago which I absolutely love doing and really just hope it gives you all a good old laugh. Lou xxxx
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