Difficult Decisions – How To Know When Your Relationship Is Over

Sarah Williams - 28 Jul 17

Relationships can be difficult.

They can be some of the most simple and wonderful things in your life, and some of the most complex and terrible too. A whole other person gets to know you very closely, sometimes as well as you know yourself, and sometimes all of that effort and time together has to come to an end. The hardest part of a breakup, especially after a long-term relationship, is figuring out whether breaking up is the right thing to do or not.

Hundreds of books have been written on the topic, and there are many therapists and Melbourne based family lawyers who specialise in the endings of relationships and marriages. Answering that tough question may feel near-impossible, but there are ways of figuring it out. Through this article, we’ll explore how to know when your relationship is over.

How You Feel Together

This is the first major indicator of the status of a relationship.

When you spend time with your partner, how do you feel? Do they listen to you, put you at ease, have fun with you and are generally enjoyable to be around? Do they make you doubt yourself, do they insult you or belittle your opinion, play mean jokes on you or leave you alone when you need company?

The way a person treats their partner outside of a stressful environment is indicative of how they feel most of the time, and a person that makes you feel bad or unwanted is most likely one that isn’t good for you or your mental state. It’s important to note the ways they act in non-stressful environments because once the “breakup talk” starts, they might become distressed and start acting nicely toward you to convince you to stay, only to go back to their original ways once the danger is averted.

How You Feel Apart

The next thing to consider is when you’re away from the person, how do you feel?

If you’re less stressed, happier, more optimistic and energetic, there could be a correlation between them and your emotional levels. Most people in healthy relationships don’t feel depressed or anxious when they aren’t spending time with their partner, but people in unhealthy relationships can often feel relief or a feeling of freedom when spending time away from their significant other.

This generally indicates that on some level you feel pressured or stressed when spending time with the other person, which isn’t a good thing. Try to take note of these things when spending time with them and apart from them, but take into account outside factors too, i.e if you are both experiencing high-stress levels at work and you work with one another, the work is likely the stress factor and not your partner.

What You Think Of Them

A person you are with is always someone who has some attractive qualities to you.

You become attracted to them initially, so you must have had an appreciation for them at some point in your relationship. What you think of your partner can say a lot about what you feel for them too. Contemptuous thoughts, such as how stupid or useless they are can be signs of a strained or fractured relationship. A partner should be someone you admire and respect, but not hold in higher esteem than yourself. Think about how they think of you as well, and how they treat you based on these thoughts.

What Your Future Looks Like

When you think about your future, does it line up with theirs? A couple who both want careers, a nice house and a family are generally a couple that can align their futures and work towards them together. With that in mind, a person who wants to travel the world and never stay in one place is less likely to align their future with a person who wants to get a nine-to-five job and start a family. It’s not impossible to combine these dreams into a shared future, but the life you want should be the most important thing to you.

Talk to Them (If Possible)

It’s not always possible, depending on the relationship, but talking to your significant other really is the only other step you can take. If you have a healthy relationship that is floundering, and you’re both mature adults, a frank conversation about your relationship can be the best thing for it. You might end up breaking up then and there, but at least you both understand why it’s happening, and you can both see that the relationship was failing. If your partnership isn’t healthy or is abusive, this likely will not be possible, and there are organisations available to help people leave abusive or unsafe relationships safely.

Your relationship should be an extension of your life and should enhance your experience of each other in a positive way. Recognising the end of a relationship can be the best thing for it, but making sure the end is the end is just as important for both you and your partner’s mental health as ending it in the first place.   

Sarah Williams

Sarah is a writer, musician and luthier hailing from Australia. After spending the last decade writing for a wealth of magazines, journals, blogs and newspapers, Sarah is currently writing alongside a team of Melbourne based family lawyers to assist families and individuals in their time of need.

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