Do-one with your affirmation cards!

Miranda Webb - 16 Jun 17

Self-help bullsh*t or actually useful?

Meditation, gratitude journaling, affirmations – The holy grail of the self-help world. Man, if we just nail those things, after we get up at *WHAT TIME?* everything will be E-A-S-Y, yes?! We’ll be riding out our troubles whilst whistling ‘Always look on the bright-side of life’, fan-bloody-tastic!

I imagine if you’re the mother of a baby/young child you often look on askance at those of us who might suggest any of the above. I think I may have used violence if someone had told me to get up at 4:30am when I had a six month baby. Are you kidding? They’ve just started sleeping through! I have a lot of sleep to catch up on! *place expletives here*

No, this stuff – meditation, gratitude journaling, affirmations, all feels a bit bull-shitty when you’re the bleary-eyed new-owner of a small human. Still, you’ll give it a go eh? I mean if it works for *fill in name of latest celebrity* then surely it’ll work for you?

So you buy the ‘How to meditate’ app, you order the affirmation cards which pluckily tell you ‘Its ok not to be perfect’ and ‘Today is an amazing day’ and you read the blog on how to write 50 lines that start ‘I am grateful….’ – heck, you treat yourself to a gorgeous blank book to write them in (it’s beautiful, really beautiful, cost loads more than a pad of paper and it has ‘Things I am thankful for’ on the front cover so it’s got to work!).

It’s not working

Then you have a go. When the f**k do you get to meditate with a small child? Seriously, when? Why does that affirmation card make you think ‘Yeah, right love – not sure that’s me today’ and when you go to write in the journal it’s a shopping list that comes out and now you’re really annoyed that you’ve written a shopping list in your gorgeous book… glibly writes ‘I am grateful for having a gorgeous book to write my shopping list in’

What’s going wrong? Why isn’t it working? Why does Katy Perry get to meditate and I don’t?

Making it work for you

The commodification of these self-help tools is partly to blame. It’s not about buying the cards, ordering the app or buying the gorgeous journal. There’s a quick-fix feel to all of those, whereas all of these practices take, well, practise. This is really fundamental to them being in any way effective, there needs to be consistency. Be practical, look at how you can fit them in to life as it is. Maybe you could do a walking meditation as you stroll through the park with your baby?

The next issue is how in-congruent they feel to your current situation – simply reading an affirmation card which says ‘Everything is great today’ is not going to cut it if in your heart this is so far from how you feel – your brain is going to call it out and dismiss it as rubbish rendering it useless, sabotage-central. Before even thinking of using affirmations take some time to acknowledge where you are up to and what is going on for you. Otherwise this just feels like sticking an elasta-plast on a gaping wound. Take time to talk to your partner, friends or family – go and have a rant! Let out your frustrations. Otherwise papering over them with affirmations will make you feel worse. Affirmations are meant to work in a way that they are retraining your brain to focus on the fact that you can control the way you feel, the way you react to things. Choose affirmations that give you a physiological response when you say them, that’s when you know they are working. When it feels right.

Writing out lines in a gratitude journal doesn’t make you immediately engage with them and there’s some research to say that if we write out lots and lots of lines then the power of this self-help tool can be diminished – we’re just going through the motions. If you want to use gratitude journaling in an effective way you can simply start by adding a ‘why’? to the thing you are grateful for – for example ‘I am grateful for the tree outside my window because I love how it moves in the breeze’. You don’t have to write lots, just make them meaningful and take some time to think on each one. Keep going until you feel you have enough. Again, this is brain-training – we are bringing to our attention the good things, noticing how there are always positives if we just look. Don’t write your shopping list!

I hope that give you an idea of how to use these tools effectively, rather than a smash and grab of self-help strategies which don’t feel right and you can’t get to grips with.

On our Thriving Mothers retreat day we will look at realistic ways of integrating habitual self-help tools in to life with young children, so that you can feel better and have more energy to deal with the highs and lows of mothering. There’ll be plenty of chance to acknowledge and rant – and of course celebrate all of the amazing things you do. Join us on the 10th July at Coed Hills in St Hilary, nr Cardiff. http://www.mirandawebb.co.uk/thriving-mothers-one-day-retreats/

Miranda Webb

Miranda Webb is an Antenatal and Postnatal Specialist. Provider of calm, clarity and confidence to new parents. Mother of two. Passionate about ensuring new families get off to a good start. www.mirandawebb.co.uk

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