Hang-xiety – the morning after the night before
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I have had a rough few days, after weeks of fantastic moods, I came crashing down.
It all started with me realising that my alcohol ban was ruining my social life; I know it’s sad to say but I don’t think I am the only one saying that alcohol is a big part of socialising.
I was also missing the fun buzz and energy that I get on a night out and was starting to get that itch that only my dancing shoes could fix. It wouldn’t be bad to have a little night out, would it? After all it had been months.
The burst of excited
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energy, something I had forgotten about as I got ready for my night ran through me faster than the strictly dancers. I had forgotten that this part was fun.
The night was fun, I danced, I drank and I managed to catch up with some greatly missed friends. It was a late one, in fact I could have stayed all night with them chatting as we had so much to tell each other in the months we had gone without getting together.
I crawled into bed at about 4.30am and feel into a drunken sleep.
I woke at 10pm and I knew the hangover was there
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but it was very mild. The thing that was hitting me hard was that old feeling you get after a night on the toon, hangxeity!
I tried to ignore it. I showered, dressed, had a cup of tea and yes I felt better physically my mental state was a mess. I tried to ignore all the thoughts I was having, like trying to tidy up but just stuffing it under the bed. It’s not in sight but very much still there.
As the door closed and I watched them leave at the window, making sure they were gone. I let it all out.
I cried, I shook.
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The emotion erupted and it over took my whole body. The release was amazing but at the same time so painful, I knew this was going to like this for a while; it had been a long time since I had allowed myself to be over taken with all the feelings, my body had a lot of work to do.
I was frozen in thought, unable to leave the sofa, my mind focused on all the racing, intrusive thoughts. I can tell you what the thoughts were, as they moved from one to the next without much time spent on one. Occasionally they brought tears to my eyes and I would
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wail loud deep sobs.
Time pasted and I was still stuck on the sofa, I played my meditation soundtrack and it took me longer than normal but I was able to drift off. Sleep that was much needed, my mind and body exhausted but the last couple of hours.
When I woke, it had eased. It was not as intense as before and I was still very aware of the feelings but they were manageable. I could function, I could get off the couch, and it was passing.
I had nothing to be worried about, I had drank and gotten drunk but I was not very
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drunk. I remembered the evening well yet I had the dread that I had done something awful. That I was the worst person in the whole world, for going out, for enjoying myself.
This was why I had stopped drinking, not because I had an addiction but because of how it affected me the day after. It made me have a day of heightened anxiety.
I was sad that even after my alcohol break, nothing changed. The anxiety was just the same, nothing was different.
I don’t want to say I will never drink again, I love beautiful glass of
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wine. I want to be able to drink and not care the next day but I don’t think I ever will.
Alcohol we have had some great times but you are a friend who always leaves a bad taste in my mouth and crippling anxiety the next day, I am going to avoid you again, for a while at least.
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Mumforce - 23 Mar 19
I have had a rough few days, after weeks of fantastic moods, I came crashing down.
It all started with me realising that my alcohol ban was ruining my social life; I know it’s sad to say but I don’t think I am the only one saying that alcohol is a big part of socialising.
I was also missing the fun buzz and energy that I get on a night out and was starting to get that itch that only my dancing shoes could fix. It wouldn’t be bad to have a little night out, would it? After all it had been months.
The burst of excited energy, something I had forgotten about as I got ready for my night ran through me faster than the strictly dancers. I had forgotten that this part was fun.
The night was fun, I danced, I drank and I managed to catch up with some greatly missed friends. It was a late one, in fact I could have stayed all night with them chatting as we had so much to tell each other in the months we had gone without getting together.
I crawled into bed at about 4.30am and feel into a drunken sleep.
I woke at 10pm and I knew the hangover was there but it was very mild. The thing that was hitting me hard was that old feeling you get after a night on the toon, hangxeity!
I tried to ignore it. I showered, dressed, had a cup of tea and yes I felt better physically my mental state was a mess. I tried to ignore all the thoughts I was having, like trying to tidy up but just stuffing it under the bed. It’s not in sight but very much still there.
As the door closed and I watched them leave at the window, making sure they were gone. I let it all out.
I cried, I shook. The emotion erupted and it over took my whole body. The release was amazing but at the same time so painful, I knew this was going to like this for a while; it had been a long time since I had allowed myself to be over taken with all the feelings, my body had a lot of work to do.
I was frozen in thought, unable to leave the sofa, my mind focused on all the racing, intrusive thoughts. I can tell you what the thoughts were, as they moved from one to the next without much time spent on one. Occasionally they brought tears to my eyes and I would wail loud deep sobs.
Time pasted and I was still stuck on the sofa, I played my meditation soundtrack and it took me longer than normal but I was able to drift off. Sleep that was much needed, my mind and body exhausted but the last couple of hours.
When I woke, it had eased. It was not as intense as before and I was still very aware of the feelings but they were manageable. I could function, I could get off the couch, and it was passing.
I had nothing to be worried about, I had drank and gotten drunk but I was not very drunk. I remembered the evening well yet I had the dread that I had done something awful. That I was the worst person in the whole world, for going out, for enjoying myself.
This was why I had stopped drinking, not because I had an addiction but because of how it affected me the day after. It made me have a day of heightened anxiety.
I was sad that even after my alcohol break, nothing changed. The anxiety was just the same, nothing was different.
I don’t want to say I will never drink again, I love beautiful glass of wine. I want to be able to drink and not care the next day but I don’t think I ever will.
Alcohol we have had some great times but you are a friend who always leaves a bad taste in my mouth and crippling anxiety the next day, I am going to avoid you again, for a while at least.
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Gail aka Mumforce, is a Scottish lifestyle / parenting blogger and a mum of two, based in Edinburgh.
After giving birth to 2 little darlings Gail focussed some attention towards rediscovering/discovering herself. Being a daughter, sister, friend, wife and mother can take a lot out of the best of us. Whilst in amongst/ dealing with all the unpredictability’s in life it’s an easy thing to go into pilot mode/ forget to catch your breath and although bringing up another human being is arguably one of the most difficult challenges a human can be blessed with – “it can often be the case the we want more in respect to purpose, something that is just me”.
Gail is open about her mental health and hopes that through writing, honestly about her experiences she can allow others to open up and no longer feel alone. As well as talking/writing about her struggles with mental health, Gail blogs about daily life, women’s rights and issues that some are afraid to address. Throw in a few family outing reviews, product reviews and mum fashion and we have a very mixed bag which truly represents the addictive randomness that is Mumforce.
To begin with Gail found writing as a form of therapy and a hobby however through her literacy journey Gail’s lifelong pursuit of seeking acceptance has been redefined – “ I finally understood that it was self acceptance that was being sought and have since embraced every ounce of human emotion and solidified its presence through my words”. A unique character who we can all relate to who gives a fantastic reflection of the main battle we have in life, “the person staring back at me in the mirror”.
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