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“Have you been trying for long?”
One of the biggest changes for me was that people no longer spoke to me through a ‘socially acceptable’ filter. As soon as it became apparent I was pregnant/ had produced a human, normal polite conversation ceased and blunt, uncensored chat began.
I’m sure this happens to us all. At
During pregnancy, and those first few sleep-deprived months of having a baby, I think I experienced every emotion under the sun – all at light speed. A cluster fuck of happy, sad, scared, excited, nervous,
Despite feeling unprepared, I was aware that I was entering unchartered territory, and subsequently, I expected people to tread carefully when broaching sensitive issues. They must be able to see the bags under my eyes? They must have noticed my unwashed hair and vacant stare I wore like a mask, just trying to hold it all together until numbing, blissful sleep (that only came on occasion).
Some people
So to honour tired, anxious, struggling me from 2013, here are my responses. If you’re reading this and experiencing anything like I did – remember them, feel free to use them, and be assured – IT WILL PASS. Time flies. You won’t feel so bamboozled ALL the time. Just some of it. 😉
Stuff I wish
For the purposes of anonymity, let’s call the insensitive people in these scenarios a “Designated Individual Citing Knowledge”. Or DICK for short.
During Pregnancy
DICK: “Have you been trying for long?”
ME: “Bit weird discussing my sex life with you, isn’t it? When was the last time you went at it? How many times? See – WEIRD.”
DICK: “Are you looking forward to the birth?”
ME: “In the same way that one looks forward to wisdom teeth removal. Especially if the wisdom teeth are ten times too big for the place
DICK:”I’ve heard labour is horrendous!”
ME: “I can’t imagine it’s going to be a walk in the park. More of a marathon where the participant is repeatedly kicked in the vagina. Thanks for adding to my crushing apprehension though!”
Those difficult early weeks
DICK: “Did you labour naturally?”
ME: “I produced a human being from my body, so the method of his/ her exit is kind of irrelevant. Plus I’m not hugely confident talking about my vagina or major surgery with you so
DICK: “Oh what a cute baby. Can I steal him?”
ME: ” Good one. Why not joke about taking away from me this fragile little human who I spend every second of every waking hour caring for and worrying about? Try it sunshine. I’ll go all Liam Neeson on your arse before you’ve come within an inch of that bassinet.”
DICK: “Oh your combination feeding (breast and bottle). That’s interesting. I’m a big fan of EBF (Exclusive Breast Feeding). ”
ME: “I am genuinely glad you can exclusively breastfeed.
A few months in
DICK: “Oh he is already sleeping in his own room? That’s brave. I’m too scared of SIDS.”
ME: “We are all scared of SIDS you insensitive twat. The implication that I’m not makes me want to cry and scream all at once. He is in his own room because we all sleep
DICK: “Is he asleep?” (lifts muslin covering pushchair and sticks head a mere centimetre from baby’s nose)
ME: “Well he was… after an hour of walking around at a constant speed, avoiding noisy roads, navigating curbs and crossings with care and willing the universe to give me a bastarding break and ten minutes to drink a coffee in peace.
DICK: “I was back in my size 6 jeans in a month! Maybe you need to stay away from sugar.”
ME: I have never been nor will ever be a size 6. My baby is weeks old. The last thing I should be worrying about right now is the size of the jeans I’m wearing (or battered old see-through leggings…). I MADE LIFE IN THIS BODY. Please
Upon discovering second pregnancy after 6 months…
DICK: “You’re pregnant already? Don’t you have a TV?”
ME: “Yes, we have a TV. We also have a bed, are married and on occasion turn off Game of Thrones to do the no pants dance.”
DICK: “Haven’t you heard of contraception?”
ME: “Yes. Have you heard of tact? It goes hand in hand with “STOP ASKING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE YOU NOSEY BASTARD!”
And finally, “TESCO DICK”… so called as the
“You’re brave. They’re going to hate each other in a few years.”
ME: (I really wish I’d said this one)
“Fuck Off.”
These are a handful of examples, I have many more in my worry locker. Please, feel free to share yours – I’m sure I’m not the only one. 🙂
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