He’s My Son

Jo Adamson-Parker - 10 May 18

What’s a good thing to do with a child with Attachment Disorder, a child that can’t handle transitions and change in routines and has sensory issues? Oh, I don’t know, why not take him on a twenty-hour flight to the other side of the world, throw in a camera crew and some chaperones, a very busy city and watch him implode! Yay, go us!!

So, Bubba’s not really settled since we landed on whatever day that was, time doesn’t really mean anything at the moment still, I have no idea what day it is, but I know he’s been getting worse as the days go by.

Monday the boys were with chaperones. I wasn’t happy with this and it’s something I’d previously fought against. I don’t particularly like either of them being with someone I don’t know but particularly Bubba considering his AD.

Bubba appearing more than happy to be in the presence of strangers and attaching very quickly to them isn’t a good thing and yet people don’t seem to see it. Does it annoy you when people try to tell you what your child needs? It annoys the hell out of me! I often get, ‘But he’s so good, we’ve just met and he’s very chatty and seems really happy to go with me’. Yes, that’ll be his insecure attachments then, that’s not healthy.

So, I didn’t really have a leg to stand on when he wanted to go with these women that we’d met just ten minutes earlier. My options were to look like a neurotic, possessive mother and say ‘No’ to him or give him what he wants. This time I gave in. I hated watching him and Squeak walk off with these nice but nevertheless unknown women, but I had a job to do and he’d convinced everyone else that he should go with them. To me it didn’t feel right though.

So, the chaperones, ‘the ladies’, were a great big hit with Bubba and whenever we were back together, I was ignored by him. Their authority was greater than mine and when I had to get back to work he hardly noticed I’d left. It’s hard to deal with when this happens.

Bubba has people in his life who support him, and they do it very well. A Social Worker once asked me how I felt at the close relationship he had with his TA. Did it bother me? Was I jealous? And I could immediately, without question say ‘No, because she gets him and that’s what he needs’. But what does hurt me is when he attaches instantly to someone he’s just met and then he does his thing where I lose authority in his eyes and he defers to them instead of me. I go invisible, he excludes me over them. It’s not me being a jealous mother, I just want a secure and strong attachment with him. I want to count, I want to be more important to him than a stranger.

It’s frustrating, embarrassing and hurtful when you’re trying to get him to do something and you’re invisible to him and the person he’s just met is his entire universe and he’ll do anything they ask. That person can get him to put his jumper on, can get him to sit on a chair, can get him to hold their hand. I don’t exist.

The past couple of days his anxiety and stress has been building and it’s like having a different child. It’s not Bubba and I don’t remember him ever being this severe before. He’s not still, there’s more dancing, a lot of dancing, tap dancing and we’re staying in a house with wooden floors so it’s great first thing!

Outdoors he’s more unregulated than usual. The talking is constant, and it makes no sense. The whooping’s loud and now it’s joined by other noises like barking and clicking. He’s running ahead, swinging from lamp posts, running into people, picking up rubbish, refusing to be with us and definitely not holding our hands. He’s oblivious to those around him and not listening –well not to me and his Mum anyway. It’s exhausting and draining for us so I’ve no idea how he feels.

I don’t think some people ‘get’ that he can’t just sit down and read a book or watch the world go by. It’s not that he won’t do it, he physically can’t. And if he’s whooping or making noises well it’s because he needs to, he even told me that today – ‘Mummy I need to make these noises’.

He’s not being ‘naughty’ or acting out, he’s in ‘fight or flight’ and releasing the stress and anxiety he’s feeling. I hate him being with other people because if he’s anxious and whooping how will they deal with it? Will they help him or dismiss him? Will they encourage his shame or let him be himself? Will they even know what Attachment Disorder is?

Today, Thursday, I had to explain to the people who’ve been with Bubba since Sunday that ‘actually who you’re seeing isn’t the real Bubba’. They were surprised and shocked at this, they knew he had AD, but they hadn’t really got it. They hadn’t realised that back in the UK, when he’s feeling safe and secure and he’s regulated that he’s not bouncing off walls, he’s not using baby talk and he’s not making strange noises.

This morning, for the last time, I had to watch the boys go off with a chaperone and actually today I put my foot down and said no to Bubba. Today he was staying with his Mum and Mummy and everyone else had to respect that decision. He’s my son, I know what he needs, what’s good for him and if you want me, you get him too. That’s the deal.

Bubba had a meltdown, he was upset, he cried, it wasn’t nice to see but ultimately it was the best decision for him and I explained that to him. ‘The ladies’ appeared and he fought to be with them, but they didn’t ‘get’ his AD, they thought I was being paranoid, I could tell in their faces, but you know what? I didn’t care. What matters is what’s good for him, not their egos.

During tea tonight, we asked him if he’d missed Mum and Mummy when he was with the ladies and he’d said he hadn’t. He wasn’t trying to the hurtful, but it did hurt. To him we’re less more important as strangers and particularly for me when you put up with the aggression and conflict, the meltdowns and confrontation, it’s just another kick in the stomach in those moments when you don’t matter.

It’s not always easy doing what’s best for him because he doesn’t understand when he can’t do the things he wants to but daily we try to follow the techniques developed by Dan Hughes in his PACE Theory and they make a difference. It’s such a massive irony that he’s stressed and anxious and yet desperate to go off with strangers instead of doing what I would do which is stay with those I know I would keep me safe.  It’s hard when your child happily runs from you.

I hope that when he’s older he’ll see that the times we said No to him we meant the best for him.

Jo Adamson-Parker

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