How Do I?

Jo Adamson-Parker - 11 Jul 18

I don’t have rose tinted glasses over my son, I really don’t. I will protect him to the ends of the Earth but I also know exactly who he is. I know his strengths, his weaknesses. I know some of his fears, he doesn’t like to open up, so we have to guess and tread very slowly and hope we land on the right thing. I know his vulnerability and his pride, his feelings of loss and anger and also of love and pure joy. I know his craziness and ‘I get him’.

He’s a seven-year-old boy who’s often scared and anxious. A board game can leave him devastated and a game of football or tig can have him fearing for his life. And no matter what me, his Mum or the rest of his support system do, he doesn’t get that he’s safe. That we ‘have his back’.

And why would he? Before he was six months old he’d already seen more violence than we as adults can imagine. That was his early life. Living in fear and not knowing when comfort would come, or his basic needs be met and that’s the legacy we have. Thanks to his birth parents that’s what we deal with every day. That’s why we have a social worker and a therapist, and I have a chiropractor. It’s why we have educational plans and nurture sessions, constant communication with school and really not much of a social life.

So how do I tell the Mum of a boy he tends to lash out against that he’s not a bully? How do I tell her that he doesn’t have an issue with her son, he’s not being malicious, he just see’s a casual jostle as a threat? How do I get her to see the frightened little boy my son is when her boy is being hurt? I understand her anger, I get that she wants to protect her son, of course she does. She’s his Mum.

How do I show her that inside Bubba there’s scared beautiful little boy who’s loving and caring, funny, charming and clever and scared? How do you tell a seven-year-old that it’s not personal? Bubba has amazing, understanding friends but that doesn’t mean they should be on the receiving end of his anxiety and aggression.

Everyday Bubba is in ‘Fight or flight’. Everyday he thinks someone wants to hurt him, so he’ll lash out. I learnt recently thanks to our new therapist that the reason Bubba is hardly ever ill could be due to the fact he’s constantly anxious. He’s constantly in ‘fight or flight’ mode and that affects the immune system.  Can you imagine being constantly anxious?

I’m ‘older than I tend to feel or want to admit’ and I’ve experienced stress. I’ve had times when I’ve been genuinely scared, I’ve lived through the early deaths of both my parents and gone to very dark places, BUT I was an adult. I wasn’t a child, I wasn’t a baby. How do I convince him that everything will be ok? Bubba has been with us for six years now and everyday we’ve told him that we love him to the moon and back, that we’re not going anywhere and that he’s safe. He doesn’t believe us. Two days ago he randomly said, ‘if you die, what happens to me?’ My answer didn’t convince him.

I have complete compassion for this other boys Mum. I would hurt if I thought someone was hurting Bubba. What he did wasn’t ok. I’d want answers, I’d want action, but I also would like to think that I’d be open to understanding. We never know what’s going on in someone else’s life. We never really know what they face

How do I say to her that we’re both mothers hurting over our sons and how do we bridge the gap? How do we make things better?

Jo Adamson-Parker

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