How Hitting Rock Bottom Forced Me to Face My Fears

L.Y. Marlow - 5 Apr 19

A few years ago, I awoke in excruciating pain. Every bone in my body ached.

Soon, I found myself on my doctor’s exam table in one of those ugly smocks with my butt exposed, describing the piercing pain that first started in the back of my head and my left knee.

What the heck the back of my head got to do with my knee, I had no idea.

Within months, every muscle in my body ached. At times, I was so fatigued that it was unbearable to get out of bed. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, my body had kicked into menopause to the tenth power bringing on an onslaught of issues. Most days, I’d have just enough energy to sit in my pajamas with my laptop and an iPhone pressed against my ear, trying desperately to hold onto some semblance of what used to be my reality.

I knew my life would never be the same.

Over the next six months, I lay on exam table after exam table, in ugly smock after ugly smock, with every type of doctor—neurologist, endocrinologist, cardiologist, rheumatologist, gynecologist—anybody with an ist behind their credentials that could heal me.

Soon, I’d come to learn that I was not just battling one health problem but three:

Prolactinoma (a disorder of the pituitary gland that leads to a brain tumor); Fibromyalgia (an incurable chronic disease that causes widespread pain); and Autoimmune Disease (a condition that triggers all kinds of illnesses).

I stood in front of the mirror one day and took a close look at myself—thinking about the nearly ten years of chronic stress that I had imposed on myself when I decided to walk away from a 20+ year corporate career to found Saving Promise—a national nonprofit inspired by five generations of mothers and daughters in my family that suffered and survived more than sixty years of domestic violence, including my granddaughter, a little girl named Promise.

While the work was purposeful, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was to blame for having to lay in those ugly smocks. Until then, I was so fixated on my work that I couldn’t begin to fathom the damage I was doing to my body. And I’d shouldered a deep sense of personal responsibility:

I could NOT fail.

Ever since I was eight years old—about the time I came to understand the difference between success and failure—I’d prided myself on working hard to prove that I was good enough, that I belonged.

Somehow, fear of failure and belonging were synonymous to me, something I’d learned when I first started measuring myself against my brother. Barely nine months apart, we shared the same age, size, height and schools. But he was always so much faster, smarter, more gifted than I.

I loved my brother. We were so close. But secretly, I was jealous of how learning came so easily for him but knocked me square on my ass. Although I wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, a bit awkward, lanky and lacking, I did have one thing going for me: grit.

Now, when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was my work. That singular project or task or email that sent me into a frenzy.

I didn’t think about the consequences. I didn’t think about the risks.

Before I knew it, Fear, Worry, Doubt showed up and hauled my hiney out of bed one night and made me beg for mercy. Monsters were what I would come to label them. My monsters were there to teach me something. I am reminded of a story that put it all into perspective for me.

The truth is we all have Fear—and so many other monsters—that are our Cholera. But first you must be willing to find that balance. Allow me to help you get there by offering a free copy of my book:

CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FREE COPY OF INSPIRING, LIFE-CHANGING STORIES NOW!

Today, my greatest lesson has been to find balance for the sake of my health and my sanity; and for the first time in my life, I know that I belong.

L.Y. Marlow

L.Y. Marlow is the author of Don't Look at the Monster, the host of The Monster Theory podcast and founder of StopLivingWithMonsters, an empowerment brand that helps women confront their fears and embrace their passion, purpose and power. She lives in Washington D.C., is a lover of chocolate, wine and cheese. Connect with her on stoplivingwithmonsters.com, facebook and Instagram.

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