How Not To Be A Domestic Goddess

Catherine Péchèr - 29 Oct 18

A few weeks ago I was mid-conversation with some lovely friends when suddenly it took an unexpected turn. Words such as ‘skirting boards’, ‘bleach’ and ‘instagram cleaning celebrity’ were being bandied about and it took me all of five minutes before I was completely out of my depth. These impressive ladies, you see, work hard to have beautiful and welcoming homes, throw restaurant style dinner parties and all without a hair out of place. My goals, however, are set at a much lower bar. I have put years of effort into perfecting a way of keeping my family alive and our home vaguely habitable with the smallest amount of effort possible. I have mastered the art of un-domesticity, and here are my top tips.

Clothes – In order to live in a constant state of near chaos it is imperative to have at least one pile of clothes in every room of the house. Feel free (if you wish) to wash and dry yours and your family’s garments to your heart’s content but, and this is the important part, be sure to never ever put them away, ever. This way you will all appear clean and smell fresh to the outside world but inside have empty drawers and clothes towers toppling. This gives the added bonus of making a fun game of frantically searching for clean underwear every morning while tossing aside garments that will forever be ‘too creased to be acceptable’ (because goodness knows ironing is out of the question).

Cars – While some may think that a car’s main purpose is to get from A to B, the un-domestic goddess knows differently. A car, you see, is not only a helpful mode of transport but must also be treated as an extension of the house’s storage space. Upon the most recent inspection, our car contained 7 coats, 5 odd socks, 3 bags for life, 6 pieces of pre-school ‘artwork’, 1 football, 4 books, 1 toy hedgehog, innumerable food and drinks wrappers and that’s only what I can see through the passenger window. Brilliantly this extra room of chaos can also add to the main house by simply transferring said items into your house whenever you have to give a real grown-up a lift anywhere.

Life Balance – If you want to make this a true life choice you must be sure to have the perfect mix of being permanently busy with an underlying characteristic of abject laziness.  If you make sure that you are out working, volunteering, or socialising for at least 70% of the time then the 30% you have in the house can be spent having a well-earned rest. The combination of a great Netflix series and a baby who wakes up hourly through the night helps too. As long as you can teach yourself to relax amongst the mess, you can spend your energy on things that you really care about – the house can wait.

Hobbies – This is the area where teamwork is imperative. Everyone in the family has to play their part with their chosen hobbies and projects. In our house we have it down to a tee. My husband runs a football team and enjoys ordering cables from Amazon. I run a baby group, help with a charity for new mums and spend my evenings writing. My three year old enjoys half-doing puzzles and bringing home crafts from pre-school, and my baby loves nothing more than knocking things over and then falling asleep on me before I get round to picking them up. In this way we have a house full of dirty football kits, tangled wires, moses baskets, baby toys, jigsaw pieces and paintings and have no time to sort through the rubble. As my mother always says, a family isn’t a cruise ship, it’s a rowing boat and everyone has an oar.

Confidence – While those whose lives are more together have a sheen of wonder, it takes a true confidence to continually live in a state of real disorganisation. Be safe in the knowledge that those around you (even those friends with matching socks and clean carpets) love you despite of, and even for, your messy house. This can sometimes be the only thing that keeps you going in your quest to be only just about hygienic. My ability to have people over on a whim and be hospitable when people need it most increased drastically when I realised they were here to see me, not judge my housekeeping. I looked forward to visits from my family much more when I stopped feeling the need to clean before they arrived. Have the confidence to know that you are so much more than your ability or desire to do household tasks. Those who want to see you will be willing to sit among the mess as long as there is tea and good company on offer.

My concluding tip is this; if doing household tasks or living a beautiful lifestyle in tranquil surroundings brings you joy then be the domestic goddess you long to be, I applaud you. If that idea doesn’t bother you, then just don’t bother – turn on Netflix and crack open the wine. I heard a rumour you and your family made it through the day in one piece – you deserve a rest. 

If you liked these tips look out for my next ‘How Not To’ guides. Including ‘How Not To Get Your Pre-Baby Body Back’, ‘How Not To Sleep Train Your Baby’ and ‘How Not To know where your keys are, ever’.

Catherine Péchèr

I’m a midwife, mum of two and recent expat. I love blogging and writing lists about life, parenthood and everything in between. Some are on here but loads more are at greatmindsmakelists.worspress.com or you can find me on Facebook or Instagram.

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