How to get over being the second wife

Veronika Durham - 15 Mar 19

When things got serious with Mr K he was still in process of divorcing his ex-wife so the second wife stigma began hitting me hard and lasted for some time.

I never thought I’d marry a guy who was married before and who had a child.  I couldn’t stop thinking that our wedding won’t be his first, our child won’t be his first. Now I know it doesn’t matter because our relationship is COMPLETELY different, and it’s based on COMPLETELY different values and beliefs. We build our relationship on love, honesty and respect.

When I finally got this, I knew that in a way I’m his first and only wife. By the way he was telling me this for so long, but I couldn’t process it.

Here are 5 tips how I got rig of ‘second wife’ issues

1. Don’t let the stigma creep in

These days it’s not unusual to be a second wife or being divorced, but still I was sometimes ashamed when I told people Mr K was married before. I thought people would judge us, say he divorced once he will do it again and probably making jokes about it. I still face a few people with stupid jokes and opinions but I don’t let them ruin the love I have for Mr K.

2. Give it time

It may sound like a cliché but it’s true. I couldn’t stand the thought of being the second wife for a good six months after we started talking about our future. But it significantly changed after we got engaged and married. Give it some time, focus on your relationship and yourself instead of focusing on being his first wife. The more you think of his first marriage, the more you’ll overthink it and get upset about it. Let it be, it really gets better, I promise!

3. Stop comparing

You’ll drive yourself crazy if you trying to prove to everyone that his second marriage is and will be better than the first one. It’s all about looking good and hearing ‘you’re so much better than his ex-wife!’. Of course, it’s nice to hear it, but it’s not a competition even though you think different.

Your partner got divorced for a reason, maybe he’s calling his ex-wife the biggest mistake of his life. So why would you compere yourself to a ‘mistake’ or ‘wrong person’? Most likely you’re a completely different person than his ex, it would be like comparing apples and oranges.

4. It’s not bad to be the second one

My husband learnt so much from his first marriage, how low you can go and how you can give up on things that matters to you in order to avoid arguments. On our first date we talked about all the ‘NO,NO’ topics such as religion, politics an ex. I found it quite refreshing, but later I understood he just wanted to be sure that he is not investing time into another ‘wrong’ person. I got myself a strong man who wants to work on relationship, communicate and make me the happiest woman on the Earth. But mainly he respects himself and I love that about him!

5. Hire a life coach:

If you struggle with the same issues and that’s toxic for you and your relationship, do yourself a massive favour and hire a life coach. Look at it as an investment for your mental health. I’m not kidding! A coach will help you to do with all your biggest issues within a few sessions. Do you know how much tears, arguments, sleep-less nights and grey hair you will save yourself from? A lot!! Trust me I learn the hard way.

‘SECOND WIFE’ was source of all evil in my relationship. We had way too many arguments I took responsibility for all of them. I had to give up trying to prove myself and change my approach. I’m still technically his second wife but I know for him I’m THE ONE and that’s what matters.

Veronika Durham

Step(in)Mum Life & Relationship coach Wife & step mum Breaking Stigma of 2nd Wife, Stepmum & Single dad Dealing with his baggage

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