How to have “The Talk” with your kid

Tetyana Denford - 5 May 17

“Hey, I know how babies are made!” she announced proudly as I was serving up chicken and veg.

Oh, Jesus was my first thought. My second thought was let’s see what she’s going to say… might be something creative involving glitter and fairies…

“Oh, great! Amazing! Tell me!” I exclaimed as I sat down, watching as the other two kids were eating their dinners (the middle kid was vaguely interested. The littlest was more enthralled by how much broccoli she could fit in her mouth). My hand was clenched around my wine glass.

Now, I’m not a prude by any means. I’m the girl that grew up asking my mother anything and everything at a very young age, nothing was off limits (I once came home from school saying “what’s a BJ? my friend’s sister said she was doing it on her boyfriend…?” my father promptly left the room). I’m the girl that walks around naked (not in the Co-Op, don’t worry) and encourages the kids to see the body as a beautiful thing. Because it is. And if it means that they ask questions, that means they’ll grow up to be empowered people that know their bodies and understand how important it is to respect themselves.

However, I kept hearing about how parent-friends were dreading the ‘awkward sex-talk’ when their kids are a certain age, and how cringey it might be. I never had that talk with my own parents because after years of asking about details, I knew how it all worked. So, it wasn’t necessary. But I was a mother now, and I had know idea how I would navigate it.

She went into detail, describing things and using her fingers to point to parts. She was very scientific about it, she used the proper terms, and I remember there being the words “penis” and “stiff” and “making love” and oh God I think that’s where my mind went blank for a few seconds. Like, the dial tone on a rotary phone when someone would hang up. Beeeeeeeep. I asked how she knew about it all, and she went to the other room and brought out a book that she said she’d been reading, a science book about the reproductive system that I had bought from a jumble sale about 3 years ago.

Not gonna lie, I was slightly nervous, and blushing, and luckily all she needed me to do was to listen and encourage her… but apart from trying to hide my laughter, overall I was immensely proud of her. She was so thrilled at the fact that she could describe something so “grown up” in such detail: it was such an honest moment in my parenting experience, and it wasn’t the slightest thing that I had imagined it to be. She had all the information, so she had all the power. She then  said “Well, that’s how it all works! So…I’m definitely never going to have babies because that would hurt my vagina too much”, and proceeded to ask for a bowl of ice cream. It was *that* simple.

I realised that this kid is 7, and these kinds of conversations will naturally start happening. And that is a *good* thing. All kids ever want, about anything, is honesty and information. There’s no shame in talking about body parts and what they do, there’s nothing “weird” about talking about sex, and making love, if that’s what they want to know about. Give them the information they ask for… nothing more, nothing less, I was once told.

So, how do you have “the talk” with your kid? I think it basically comes down to three words: you just talk.

Tetyana Denford

Tetyana is a Ukrainian-American mum of three, married to an Englishman, living in NY. She's written for Elle and Vogue magazines, and her first novel 'Motherland' is available at Amazon. She hosts a YouTube show called The Craft and Business of Books, translates for Frontline PBS news, and writes freelance.

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