(Hypothetical) Top 10 Slapping List

Rachel Hawkins - 12 Apr 16

Also, my mum decided yesterday that Victoria Beckham is no longer on her slapping list as she has ‘ingratiated herself’ as mum put it.  So well done Vic, Mother now likes you!

10. John Barrowman

This entry is going to make me slightly unpopular with someone I know but I have to stick with it, I’m afraid.  I literally cringe when he comes on the TV, to the point I think my toes may fall off where I’m curling them so much.  John, my love, you cannot sing, whoever told you that you can, needs to be on this list to be honest! He is just SO OTT and if he was chocolate, he would eat himself morning, noon and night. 
There was a point a while ago where he seemed to be on every damn show the BBC aired (I seriously considered cancelling my TV licence as a result, it would infuriate me that I had to pay for him to be on TV all the sodding time).  He’s just painful viewing.

9. Mark Wright

What a bloody turnaround for this one eh?  Went from being Jack Tweed’s best man to selling his wedding photos to Hello magazine for a reported £1 million and everyone forgets what an arsehole he was on TOWIE.  He must have such a great manager who is worth his money but I’m like an elephant and I never forget.  He was such an absolute vile pig to his ex Lauren Goodger, who yes, lets be honest, has never done herself much in the way of favours but selling a story to OK magazine some 3 years ago calling his aborted baby “his little David Beckham” is pretty damn low.  It never ceases to amaze me the levels these Z Listers will stoop to  just to make a quick buck.  But course, he’s with Michelle Keegan now, so they’ve rebranded and are now marketed as the UK’s National Sweethearts (enjoy it while it lasts guys, look what happened to our last one – Cheryl Versini Cole Tweedy whatever her name is these days). 
To be fair, he probably wouldn’t have been on my slapping list until recently when he goes on a Twitter rant (again at his ex Lauren – on his honeymoon mind!), slating her because she chose to defend herself against lies in the press.  Mark, you egotistical bellend, just because part of Essex revolves around you, that does not mean the rest of the planet does, so bog off and stick to playing those cheesy tunes on Heart FM of a Friday night.  Cus I listen to Radio 2.

8. Bruce Forsyth

Nice to see you, to see you not and I’ll pass on the Brucie Bonus an’ all thanks.  Is it just me or did anyone else hear a pin drop when he used to make a “joke” on Strictly? He’s about as funny as an infected wisdom tooth and about as likeable as one too!  You can just tell that when he used to interact with the celebs on Strictly once they’d finished their dance that they’ve been told to laugh along and nod politely but inside they’re thinking “oh just shut the hell up already”  The “you’re my favourite” joke he told to every single contestant wasn’t funny the first time he told it back in 2004 so it had certainly died a death come 2013.  There’s obviously a good reason why he took himself across the pond all them decades ago to become the next Fred Astaire and was back on English soil not long after. 

7.  Jeremy Kyle

Is there anyone who loves the sound of his own voice more than JK?  The voice of reason?  More like the voice of an arrogant prick.  I know the majority of his guests are hideous but the way he speaks to some people is nothing short of embarrassing.  I laugh when he shouts in some massive blokes face, the only reason he’s doing that is because he’s got 2 brick shithouses stood either side of him, ready to pounce should he so much as flinch.  He also berates the violent individuals who literally are the scum of the earth, but when they show a bit of (probable fake) emotion, he soon becomes pally with them and totally changes his tune! He’s not “brave” Jezza, he’s a waste of skin who has just admitted to being the violent thug you said he was some 15 minutes ago. How this show still runs and how they still find endless reprobates to feature both worries me and fascinates me.  I know my taste in TV is pretty bad but I don’t think it comes much worse than Jeremy bloody Kyle!

6. Sinitta

If you looked up the definition of a fame hunter in a Thesauraus a picture of Sinitta (probably dressed as a tree) would be staring straight back at you.  She dated Simon Cowell for what was probably about 5 months back in 1872 and is still clinging on to his fame ever since.  She’s as discreet as she is talented and I can only imagine Simon cringes hard every time she opens her mouth, she must have serious dirt on him for the fact he has never given her the old heave ho.  I dread the Judges Houses stage on X Factor because you just know Sinitta will come into the spotlight wearing some ridiculously attention seeking bit of thread and suddenly it becomes The Sinitta Factor.  Don’t get me wrong, she’s got an absolutely incredible body for her age but I don’t need to see it when I’m tucking into my Domino’s of a Saturday night.  I’ll never be able to get over the fact she’s apparently had a bit of Brad Pitt either, I bet Angelina reminds him of that every time they have a bit of banter at home, well I hope she does anyway. 

What the FUCK have you come as love?

5. Kay Burley

What an absolute moron this woman is.  From making both Royal baby births all about her while covering the stories on Sky News through to being so ridiculously rude and quite bullish to the CEO of Alton Towers recently.  Impartial?   No, more like a playground bully.  When I was younger my ambition was to be a journalist and she makes an absolute mockery of the industry, why she still has a job I’ll never know as I have never heard one person say a single positive thing about her.  For someone who is supposed to be an interviewer and insists to guests that it is an interview they are taking part in and not a statement, she sure likes the sound of HER own voice.    Cold, smug and totally unlikeable,  if she was on I’m A Celeb I would spend a fortune voting for her to chew on a Kangaroo penis or have a bucket load of cockroaches poured over her smug head. 

4. Dan Wootton

Another poor excuse of a journalist who Sky News insist on re-using again and again, usually when a celebrity (who he has slagged off) dies and he is asked to give some sort of eulogy.  This man is THE definition of two faced.  I’ve lost track of the amount of celebrities he has slagged off, only to be up their arse the following week.  Take, for example, the late Peaches Geldof, he made it explicitly clear that he wasn’t a fan of her and was absolutely vile about her on Twitter a while ago.  Fast forward a couple of years and he finds himself delivering some sort of speech about her on Sky News a mere 3 hours after her body was found at home.  Inappropriate?  I think so.  Does he have a heart or any sort of self-awareness? Probably not.
Same goes for Amy Winehouse, did nothing but slag her off but then acts as some sort of spokesperson when she died.  It really, really annoys me, so much so I decided to let him know but hey, he couldn’t take the truth so hit that block button.  It’s so easy to do isn’t it, give it but not take it.  Whenever he’s appeared on Lorraine Kelly’s show in the morning, it has taken all my might to not throw something at the TV or to throw the TV out my living room window (I don’t fancy having to explain that to Wes when he gets home from work).  Dan thinks he’s a friend to the stars when I suspect they’re all slagging him off behind his back, just like he does to them.  Smug twat.

3. Peter Andre. 

My website photo states “I’m not as fake as my fake tan” but it should actually read “I’m not as fake as Peter Andre” or Peter Blandre as I like to call him, because he is just that fucking fake.  Can we all take a second to remember how his career was unfortunately resurrected.  It was down to Katie Price.  They’ve now been divorced for about 6 years so why oh why is he still on my TV screen with his camembert grin and his David Dickinson tan?  We know you love your kids Pete, we’re told about it 365 times a year but do we need it rammed down our throats with constant OK mag front covers and the like? And don’t even get me started on those Iceland adverts.

2. Gemma Collins

I’ll never forget when I first saw a picture of Gemma Collins stood outside of her newly opened plus sized clothes shop with a sign that read “If you’re thin, you’re not coming in”.  Actual hatred poured through my veins from that very moment.  How dare she?  I thought. Imagine if the aforementioned Victoria Beckham stuck a sign outside her shop that read “If you’re fat, step off my mat”.  There’d be a bloody outcry!  I get that she sees herself as a spokesperson for the larger lady – and fair play to her for that, but why the need to be so discriminatory towards slimmer women? Perhaps a size 8 woman was about to step into Gemma’s shop to buy a dress for her size 18 Auntie and was put off by her ridiculous sign.  Is her money not good enough for you Gem?  I tweeted Gemma my thoughts shortly after this to be given the metaphorical middle finger – the block button.  Truth hurts eh love? She’s also a massive twat on TOWIE an’ all.

 

1. Amanda Holden

A few years ago, the now defunct News Of The World hired (how, I’ll never know) Amanda Holden to ‘write’ a column in their Fabulous magazine supplement.  The whole column focussed around her amazing showbiz life and just how fabulous everything was Chez Holden.  My housemates & I used to go through the magazine without reading it and count how many names she dropped in said column and the names would always reach double figures.  It was totally embarrassing.  Now she’s a judge on Britain’s Got Talent which is probably the most ironic thing I’ve ever heard.  How can she judge talent on the basis she got famous for being Les Dennis’ wife?  OK, she’s done a bit of questionable acting but does that constitute being able to judge someone on whether they’re talented or not?  
Her presenting style on This Morning leaves a lot to be desired, her laugh is like nails down a chalkboard and posting pictures of her bare bottom on Twitter is attention seeking of the highest order.  No matter how nice it is.   

So, there you have it, my hypothetical slapping list.  As previously mentioned, I am not a violent person and this is just a bit of fun. What is true is that I really, really do find them SO incredibly irritating and wish they would never grace my TV screens/magazines ever again. 

Rachel Hawkins

Almost 30 year old (eeeek) Mother to one from Bristol. Writing about whatever takes my fancy, mainly due to the fact 140 characters on Twitter and a Facebook status just isn't enough! Passionate about mental health awareness.

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