I am starting to just be able to see myself rather than JUDGE myself.

Lucy Tollerfield - 4 Jan 18

So… Who else feels that heavy feeling of self doubt on a regular basis? I certainly do/did. Self acceptance is really hard to achieve – well I think so anyway! I didn’t actually start my journey of self acceptance or self discovery on purpose, it was a series of events that happily coincided that lead me to realise that I NEEDED to make a change, for the sake of my sanity, my mental health and for my family. I don’t believe in God, but, I do believe in something. I’m not sure what that something is but I know that whatever it is already had my journey planned out and I am MEANT TO BE where I am today, I just needed to work hard to find my path. I totally get that it sounds a bit airy fairy but do you ever get that feeling that something is just meant to be? I feel like that often.

If I hadn’t had met my ex boyfriend then I wouldn’t have changed my degree path meaning that I would have graduated on time and therefore not met David. If I hadn’t started a business in Network Marketing then I wouldn’t have decided to blog, meaning that I would never have launched Mamarooandboy. You see what I’m getting at here – each decision we make leads us onto the next and a step closer to our purpose or place.

I recently wrote about feeling the need for approval and working hard to show that I am worthy. This way of thinking stems from my upbringing and it is literally sewn into me, that doesn’t mean I’m going to allow it to control me, fuck that. For years I have been self depreciating to the MAX, self acceptance is not a concept that I am familiar with at all. For a really long time I haven’t liked what I see when I look in the mirror, I’ve felt uncomfortable in clothes and have disliked how I look in pictures with family or friends. All the while I would look around and wonder why other people didn’t seem to feel like this, so why did I? Well. I’m not sure if I have found the answer to this or if I’m just being a little kinder to myself but either way I am starting to make the conscious decision to let these feelings wash over me. This sounds ridiculous but  Insta stories have been a huge game changer for me! Seeing and hearing myself everyday used to make me recoil, the sound of my voice, how much I move my face when I talk, I HATED it. But, as time has gone on this feels much easier for me, my voice doesn’t bother me as much and I’m starting to just be able to see myself rather than JUDGE myself. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that I’m some sort of healed/reformed character, but, what I am saying is that that I can now catch myself mid thought and I remind myself that we all have the same doubts. It’s okay to self doubt, but it shouldn’t rule your life. I refuse to let it rule my life. Some days are easier than others – currently I’m a few pounds heavier post Christmas and I’m feeling a bit gross to be honest (fuck you after eights) usually I would constantly talk about how I look awful and chubby, blah blah blah. But honestly through working on my mindset and deciding to embrace myself I can see past it, a few pounds are easily lost and in somebody else’s eyes I am still thin, beautiful or funny.

The BIGGEST lesson that I have learned by FAR is that nobody views you or judges you like you do yourself. If I’m having a bad hair day, someone will compliment my colour and remind me to be kinder to myself. On the days where I think my jeans look tight a friend will comment that I’m looking trim and remind me to be kinder to myself. If I’m feeling drab my husband will tell me that I’m beautiful and I remind myself to be Kinder to MYSELF. I’m 31, my body has grown and birthed two humans, worked god knows how many hours, been through trials and tribulations, been loved and had a lot of fun. Its not perfect, I don’t always like it. But. It’s the only one that I have got and I am FINALLY allowing myself to embrace my body, to be comfortable in my own skin and allow myself to just be enough. Be true to yourself, be real, be happy.

Lucy Tollerfield

Hi, I'm Lucy, Mama of boys. Mama blogger. The Mama behind Roo and Boy. Usually caught winging life and navigating motherhood with anxiety and social pressures. Ex-teacher, makeup lover, living for COFFEE. Number one fan of Roo and Boy.

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