View as: GRID LIST
Letting go of the Mum guilt
Me: ‘Mum guilt….and, I guess, how I’m trying to let go of it’.
Him, in a completely non-ironic way: ‘What’s Mum guilt?’
Thinking back on our conversation now, what struck me the most was how amazed I was that he had no clue, whatsoever, what I was talking about. He wasn’t trying to make a point or be funny; he just had no inkling that I carry around this, oftentimes crushing, Mum guilt with me, day in, day out. Guilt over things I’ve done and not done, said and not said, decisions I’ve
It’s not to say that my partner loves the kids any less than me, or worries less about them, just that he has an inner confidence and belief that everything he does and the decisions he makes (well, most things – I’m not including long bike rides and all day bank holiday drinking sessions in this), are done with me and the kids in mind and to make things better for all of us.
Regular readers of my blog will know that I’m far from the perfect parent – I make mistakes ALL the
Today, for example, I’ve felt guilty about the following (I’ve been making a list on my phone as things occur to me):
1) Being snappy with the older 2 when they got up because I’d
2) Scrolling through Instagram and Facebook at 5am whilst feeding the baby, instead of giving him my undivided attention
3) Saying ‘shush’ a lot to the 4 year old who was trying to get me into a long conversation about Star Wars when I just wanted to drink my cup of tea in peace
4) Hurrying the boys along with everything they were doing, even though we had no real place to be, just because I wanted to get everyone dressed and through the bathroom before
5) Shouting quite a bit
6) And shouting a bit more (I blame tiredness)
7) Having to get housework jobs done; sorting washing, cleaning the bathroom, making dinner, when the boys wanted me to join in their games
8) Making the older two watch the baby for 10 minutes whilst I pegged the washing out and then stood in silence for a few minutes in a quiet room
9) Not having a paid job, meaning that we can’t always do/buy/go everywhere and everything that the kids
10) Taking 30 minutes every morning to do a workout in my front room, despite the fact that I’ve made everybody’s breakfast before I start
11) Trying to persuade the 4 year old to have a 30 min nap on the settee in the afternoon just so I could have some peace, even though I knew this would mean he’d play up at bedtime
12) Letting the kids watch TV for an hour so I could try to write some sentences that actually make sense
13) Getting cross at them for moaning when I made them turn the TV off
14) Putting
15) Using my kid free time to look at pointless stuff on my phone instead of doing anything constructive
And so, it goes on…
I showed the list above to my partner and he found it hilarious. ‘Don’t be so ridiculous’ was his initial comment, ‘why would you feel guilty about doing all that stuff?’. I guess he has a point. Reading it back now it’s not like I’m doing anything to cause them harm or upset, and I’m sure parents up and down the country do exactly the same
So why have I been feeling guilty about all of this stuff for so long? It’s partly because I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to separate myself from the boys and carve out my own time and identity which doesn’t involve me being Mum/maid/chef/tutor/taxi etc. As I’m not working out of the house (see point 10 above), the huge majority of housework drudgery comes under my remit, along with the all the kids’ and life admin stuff. Its suffocating, and there’s
I love to cook and prepare healthy and nutritious meals for the family, for example, but it loses its appeal at times when the kids are being hard work and I know they’ll likely moan and groan when presented with a lovingly created lentil and vegetable bake. But I feel guilty if I don’t cook from scratch every night, because it’s not like I’m
I think that’s one of the main problems with being a stay at home Mum – there’s no job description, no defined roles and responsibilities, no boundaries as to where your role stops and another role starts (and no pay or holidays). It’s endless; encompassing tasks such as providing continuous snacks,
Mum guilt isn’t just a stay at home mum thing for me though. I’ve worked in full time and part time positions since having the boys, and both came with their own share of Mum guilt too. When I first went back to work on a
Mums who work full time when their kids are really young are often frowned upon, and harshly judged – ‘Well, they must not want to spend time with their own children, how very un-Mum like’. I know that I felt I was missing out on a
Maybe we need to stop using the phrase ‘working Mum’. We don’t refer to Dads as ‘working Dads’ do we? It’s just a given that Dads work. Yet for some reason, Mums who work get given a special title, which all too often is seen as having a negative impact on their children and family life. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t springs to mind!
So, how am I working on trying to let go of this guilt that’s been dragging me down
1) I’m stopping comparing myself to other Mums who seem to have their shit way more together than I do. I’m never going to have sleek hair, perfect make up and well behaved kids on the school run. Isn’t gonna happen, so I’m letting it go.
2) I’m focussing on the good parenting stuff that I do. I’m here every day, every morning and every night. I’m the kids’ rock, the thing that keeps this family running when their Dad is away with work more often than we’d all like. Not working means that I can be
3) I talk to my friends, sisters and Mum who understand where I’m coming from, pour me a glass of wine, give me a hug, a talking to, or a virtual kick up the bum (whichever is needed more). Surrounding myself with strong women who are muddling through this Mum thing too, who support and ‘get’ me is helping me to get more of a
4) I’ve accepted that I’m not actually Superwoman. I’m human, and relatively sleep deprived at that. Mistakes will be made, and I can’t be in two places at once. There are also more kids than adults in our house, and that ratio skews stuff towards chaos rather than order. Quite frankly, the fact that we are functioning relatively well, and everyone is where they need to be, dressed and with a full tummy is enough for me most days!
5)
I’m a definite work in progress though. I had to stop myself
And the world didn’t end because I put myself first for a change. Baby steps you see. Mum-guilt, be gone!
Follow
www.dippyeggplease.wordpress.com
dippyeggplease on Instagram
@dippyeggplease on Facebook and Twitter