Maternal mental health

Diva Mum - 4 Dec 18

Maternal Mental Health. 

Sounds like an advert or a slogan doesn’t it?

I talk about my mental health openly and often, but it took me to become an expectant Mum experiencing suicidal thoughts to realise, it was time to talk. 

I spent everyday of my pregnancy completely miserable to the point that I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep living. 

I spent every second of every day for 9 months feeling like the worst person in the world to not be completely and utterly thrilled at the prospect of becoming a Mum. After all I’d had unprotected sex and found myself in this position I should be grateful not full of self loathing. 

I should be excited, I should be nesting, I should be feeling some kind of unspoken bond with this little kicking life inside of me. Instead I felt scared, misunderstood and resentful that I had to make all these lifestyle changes. 

Selfish right? That’s how I felt at the time. Until I realised that actually I was unwell and I needed help. 

My friends and family didn’t get it, they hadn’t felt the same way I did when they were pregnant. 

Ciara came along and blew my world wide open and I can honestly say I’ve never experienced love at first sight until the minute she was first placed in my arms. 

‘It was all worth it wasn’t it Steph?’ Was what people said to me. 

Of course the answer is yes, she was worth the pain but that didn’t make the pain suddenly disappear. 

I took antidepressants when I was pregnant, Ciara was then born with severe withdrawal symptoms and a tremor that left her tachycardic for 6 months. So the cycle of feeling guilty, useless and out of my depth continued. 

I still don’t know what I’m doing. I still have days where I completely despair and can’t function. Days where my anxiety is crippling. The only difference between now & then is now I feel brave enough to talk about it. I feel like I can speak openly about my depression. I still worry I’m being judged or misunderstood  & I still feel guilty, but I don’t feel alone anymore. 

Writing a blog has at times left me open to much criticism, but it’s also given me so much peace. It’s helped me explain my feelings and given me the courage to seek out help when I’ve needed it, and I continue to need it. 

Whether you’re the expectant Mum who is loathing being pregnant, the Mum who’s wondering when you’ll bond with your baby, the Mum who feels like she has no fucking idea how to do this ‘job’ other people call parenting…. I hear you. 

I don’t have all the answers, I’m not a doctor nor am I in any way an expert but what I do know is this…. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

However dark your thoughts are, there’s another expectant or existing Mum out there feeling equally petrified. 

Talk to someone today. Whether it be your GP, your co worker, your friend, a family member, a Mum on a Facebook group that you’ve never met, please talk to someone. 

People will judge you, it’s human nature, as is the need for us to compare ourselves with others, but that doesn’t mean the world will judge you. 

You have two jobs as a Mum.

To look after your baby and your mental health, both equally as important as the other. 

Don’t delay getting help because you’re scared, or because you feel ashamed. 

As mums we have a duty to speak openly about taboos such as AN & PND and I truly believe that, together, we can abolish the stigma that surrounds them. 

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS

#MMHA

Diva Mum

31 year old, over thinker, tea drinker, over sharer & over swearer. Loves: my child (obviously) moaning, beach walks, tea and writing!

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