Memoirs of a biker widow (11)

Julia Day-Stewart - 22 Oct 19

Memoirs of a biker widow (11)

Here we are.. 905 days later.

You’ve nearly been dead 1000 days.

That’s nuts.

It actually feels like forever since I saw you, spoke to you, touched you.

Rob I’m angry.

I don’t want to be angry with you, apparently this is a grief stage, I get that but it feels shit. You didn’t mean to die, I know that.. you just didn’t bloody prevent it from happening and that’s why I’m angry.

I’m angry with people who have bikes, I’m angry with people who talk about bikes.

Being angry is ugly, I hate feeling angry.

I’m angry with rubbish dads, I’m angry that you aren’t being a dad to our daughter. I’m angry for people taking their baby fathers for granted and I’m angry for baby fathers who don’t embrace their children.

Luna doesn’t know what a daddy is, she doesn’t called anyone daddy, she sometimes shouts daddy at her sibling’s father when he picks them up. It kills me she doesn’t have a daddy. She doesn’t even know yet that she doesn’t have a daddy. These are shit conversations I’m going to have to have with our daughter when she’s older and that makes me angry.

Rob are you watching? Is there anything thing else out there when we die. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I’ve sat begging for you to appear and show me. Just a glimmer. Anything. And yet nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Are you protecting her? Talking to her in her dreams? I hope so. If that’s all you can do now, it’s something.

905 days on.

Luna has a father. Not her daddy but the next best thing. He’s amazing, you’d like him for sure and you never liked anyone.

He’s taking care of your baby. He loves her like his own.

We are so damn Lucky.

This is when this life takes a twisted turn because we are happy.

I never thought 905 days ago I’d say it but life is good again. In fact it’s great.

I think of you everyday. Not always positively.

I swear at you. I’m angry.

I miss you and I’m angry with you.

You are dead. Deceased. Finished. Extinct.

Never coming back.

It’s all so final.

No second chances, no reincarnation. No light just darkness.

We are living our lives, we have moved on Rob. We have a future, plans, dreams and love.

I’m watching our daughter grow and with the love of her father she will flourish.  We will tell her about her daddy and put you on that throne of kings, you will always be her worlds greatest.

You see why I’m angry now?

You didn’t stop.

Reckless. Fast and selfish. But you remain a king of kings. Quite rightly so because you have nothing else.

I want to stop feeling angry. I’m trying I promise.

Just time will help I guess.

It’s already helping. Time stops for no man, the world keeps spinning and the years roll on.

I still have moments when I don’t quite believe that day 905 days ago.

But it happened and I have to deal and live with it.

No amount of feeling angry is going to change that.

I’m trying Rob. I promise

Julia Day-Stewart

Mum of three. Widow at 35years of age. Mother, Nurse, Realist. Broken but surviving. Lost and drowning but floating in the light of the moon. Amazed by the power of love and the strength of human compassion. I am no writer, I barely scraped past my gcses. So excuse the appalling grammar. I lost my soul mate in 2017 whilst pregnant with his first child (now aged 7 Months). One moment, one poor decision and so many lives destroyed. I decided to start a blog. Firstly to empty my head and help with my own PTSD and secondly to try and help others. Grief can be very lonely and physically destructive.

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