MMR = Massive Milkyway Required

Jo Adamson-Parker - 26 Apr 18

Squeak had his MMR jab this week, slightly less traumatic than the last time he had vaccinations. That time he screamed the health centre down and sobbed into my shoulder for a full ten minutes, very loudly and Squeak has a very loud scream! He hadn’t been placed with us all that long either, so he must have wondered what he’d moved into! So, I had wondered what decibel level we’d get to this time, but he was fine, didn’t even flinch and there were two needles. Result!

Bubba on the other hand, watching from the side, went very pale and was not impressed at all. I had to be consoling and reassuring with him whilst Squeak was all ‘where’s me brave boy chocolate reward?’ I took this as a good sign, not the chocolate demand, that’s standard with Squeak. It’s one of his favourite words, he uses it a lot, sometimes with an open-handed gesture, sometimes combined with the word ‘more’ so him demanding ‘choc’ is not a surprise.

No, the surprise was Bubba’s reaction and very evident concern for his brother. It was nice to see. Bubba does love Squeak, but he keeps it hidden. I’d like to say ‘daily it’s on a tolerates him basis’ but it’s not. He doesn’t tolerate him. If he could ignore him he would. Squeak’s not allowed in the same airspace as Bubba, certainly not allowed to touch his toys and definitely NOT allowed to put a toe into his room. I keep telling myself it’s just a ‘sibling thing’ as he is so gentle and caring with any other small child – just not his brother.

The first time they met, was on Squeaks first birthday and right then they had a bond, they connected. Squeak was besotted with this identical, if not slightly older, image of himself. Our social worker at the time hadn’t intentionally done this but they are virtually identical, they look the same, they look like brothers. They are brothers.

Which leads me onto my point, I get there eventually. Too many times I seem to be asked by health care professionals, in front of Bubba ‘are they brothers?’ I know what they mean, of course I do. Biologically, no, they’re not linked by blood but if this information is relevant in that instance then the question needs to be phrased with much more sensitivity. I was talking to a friend about this today and she hit the nail on the head, it’s not a case of having to be trained, of going on a course to learn to say the right words. It’s about common sense.

Bubba’s now seven and like any child he picks up on things very quickly. Little ears and all that.  When Squeaks having his jabs and Bubba’s there, and he’s looking a bit upset, there’s actually no medical need to know if they are linked by blood. There’s no need to ask it and there’s certainly no need to ask it in front of them. It’s just personal interest from a nurse who chances are won’t see them again for a long time. I gave the answer I always give when there’s no medical relevance – ‘yes they’re brothers’. Am I being facetious? Damn right I am.

First time I was asked it was in A&E when Squeak had a bad seizure. Bubba was crying, I was stressed and worried, Squeak was obviously fine and running around in his nappy by then oblivious to the drama he’d caused, and the nurse asked, ‘are they brothers?’ Again, no actual medical need to know this and certainly no reason that it should be raised in front of the boys. The boys seem to have the same super power I have, involuntary and unpredictable invisibility. Well not totally unpredictable as when an in appropriate question is about to be asked, they’re there.

Same time at A&E we mentioned that Squeak was adopted, for family history relevance. Bubba happened to be out of the room, later when he was back, irrelevant questions about him were asked and the word ‘adoption’ thrown about. Now we’ve always been very open and both boys know they’re adopted, well Squeak knows we’re ‘the bringers of food’ and that’s all he cares about right now, but Bubba knows what it means. Good job isn’t it? Good job he does know he’s adopted otherwise an A&E nurse has just outed it to him. Common sense and a bit of thought please!

Just because they’re young doesn’t mean they’re not listening, doesn’t mean they don’t understand or worse, misunderstand. What would Bubba have thought if I’d responded ‘No they’re not brothers’? Same when people say within earshot of the boys ‘have you never thought about having children of your own?’ That answer is always the same now, now that I have a voice for my boys, the answers ‘yes, yes I did and I have two boys’.

Jo Adamson-Parker

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