My traumatic first pregnancy and the reason I blog

Louise ODonnell - 8 Feb 20

My first pregnancy was over two years ago now and is the reason I started blogging. I’m a talker, and the more I talked, the more I found positivity and hope at the end of the darkness that is losing a baby. For us, this was in more unusual circumstances in losing one baby in a twin pregnancy. In this post, I talk about the pregnancy, and you can read about the birth and how our surviving daughter, Eva, made it through a stay in hospital to eventually come home and be our rainbow at the end of the storm.

Of all our problems, getting pregnant was not an issue for me and my husband. Once we did however it was pretty much a horror show from start to finish…and then some. I had an early scan at 7 weeks and this is where they found it was a twin pregnancy. I remember bursting into tears in panic, I’m not sure many people have ever said ‘lets try for twins’. But you let it sink in and realise there are many out there who struggle to conceive and appreciate it as a genuine miracle.

At the 12 week scan, we were told one baby was smaller than the other and had much less fluid around it….this apparently was an early sign of something called Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) in which one baby takes all the resources in the womb and the other suffers from this. At around 17 weeks however, they couldn’t find the bladder in one baby. I came back the next day for them to try and find it….on my own…thinking that it would be fine and it was just a box to tick. Tip – NEVER GO TO A SCAN ON YOUR OWN! It still couldn’t be found and now the fluid around looked ‘shrink wrapped’ – both big red flags for TTTS. We were sent to a specialist hospital, but after a few more scans things seemed to be slowly evening out and had rectifying themselves. Life went by unbearably slow and in all the scans I was unable to look at the screen, because it was just too awful and I wanted to protect myself from getting attached to the babies. I couldn’t talk to anyone properly or give eye contact. I didn’t eat properly, didn’t wear makeup or take care of myself, and hid my bump under huge jumpers. Somehow though, we eventually got to our 24 week mark with all finally looking well. We thought we were on the home stretch

We were discharged and sent back to our normal hospital. The next scan, just short of 28 weeks, we were told one heartbeat couldn’t be found. Its hard to explain how that felt. First it was pure rage, like I was going to smash up the room, then total numbness, then legitimately wanting to jump in front of a train. We have since had repots back on what happened and it was found that Eva had the ‘lion’s share’ of my nutrients and resources, whereas the other baby was tucked into the side of the womb with a tiny umbilical chord….this is what caused the many ups and downs of the pregnancy as it went along…however there was no indication that the small chord was impacting on the baby anymore after 24 weeks. If noticed earlier, this would have meant both babies would have had to come out as early as 25/26 weeks, where its unlikely either would have made it. In as much comfort as you can take from a situation like this, that’s where I take it from the most. In all its cruelty, this pregnancy was never really going to result in two babies, it was always going to be Eva. That doesn’t make it hurt less, but it gives you some peace.

My blog here and my Insta account are for anyone who wonders whether they will be ok after the fairytale bubble of motherhood is burst. I’m here to tell you : you most certainly will be. With lots of love, Lou xxx

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Louise ODonnell

Hi I'm Louise! Check out my blog posts and my Insta @loss_motherhood_etc for more musings on life after baby loss, maternal mental health and prematurity. I love to post about honest motherhood having gone through the toughest intro to it imaginable in the hope I can help others realise it wasnt just them when the fairytale went tits up! Thank you for joining me and for reading!

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